I Got Twilighted!
by Claire Violet Thorpe
Summary: Here's a series of random comedy centering on your favorite vampires and wolves, as written by the author of the bad Harry Potter fan fiction stories! Now completed!
1. How to End Breaking Dawn the Monty Pytho

Hello, folks! Now that I've finished the Twilight Saga, I figured I need to do some fanfiction! Just like my bad Harry Potter fanfiction and fanfiction that mocks Charlie Bone, I'm doing a story that will mock Twilight to death and beyond. So there you have it!

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mautre crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

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Part one: **How to End _Breaking Dawn_**** the Monty Python Way...**

_Ok, imagine the scene: The Cullens and their allies on one side of the field and the Volturi on the other side. Both sides bristle, anticipating a giant battle. That was, until..._

**Aro**: All right, let's end this crap!

**Stephan**: Oh shut your traps, you Sacred bastard children of a festering serpent-abusing wombat! I laugh at your funny looking despicable brown robes, which are not more fit for a peasant with a abnormally large nose! I rip into all your Sarah Palin-like grandmothers, you sons of a pimply anaconda-brained worm! (_Cullens start laughing_) Now back off, or I will insult you again! (_The witnesses all laugh at the Volturi, who are clearly insulted_)

**Volturi**: Hey! Remember who you work for! (_the laughter dies immediately_)

**Vladimir**: Do you have a death wish, you Exalted sons of a crazy orc-faced trogg? We shall tear you into scraps and scatter your unworthy remains all over the world, and every vampire who ever walked the face of God's green earth will know what horrible Immortal sons of a screaming wombat-eating anaconda that you are! (_someone tosses a three-headed frog at his head_) Right! That settles it!

**Stephen**: Let's prepare for battle! (_Bella sobs as she hold Renesmee and Edward looks worried. Everyone else is freaking out_. _Just then, a rather enormous army is seen dressed in rather crappy clothes designed by the Volturi. Caius addresses the Cullens and their allies_)

**Caius**: Listen up, you pathetic traitors: Today you will all pay a huge price for your rather twisted lifestyle. In the name of the Vampire God, we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead and we have Edward Cullen and Bella Cullen and Alice Cullen in our clutches! (_to the troops_) CHARGE!!!! (_troops rushed towards the Cullens. Everyone is very very frightened. Just then, sirens ring and scores of police cars pull into the field right in front of the Volturi. Many curious people are there and cameras and news reporters are everywhere_.)

**Bella**: (_shocked to see her father in the thick of it all_) Dad, what are you doing here?

**Charlie**: I figured it's about time I got involved! (_to the Volturi_) You are all under arrest for disturbing the peace of our town!

**Marcus**: You stupid cop, you can't arrest us! We're the Volturi, You son of a swollen marsupial-loving kangaroo! We're the greatest!

**Bella**: Yeah, great at being a jerk to many poor innocent vampires!

**Vladimir**: Not to mention that you overthrew the main vampire government in Transylvania! We haven't forgotten about that at all!

**Charlie**: Now come quietly, don't make me use force! (_the police round up all the Volturi and take them away_.)

**Aro**: You'll never get away with this! We have lawyers, and they'll tear you all apart! (_He, Caius, and Marcus are put into a police car. Police cars drive away with all the Volturi in them. Just then Jasper, Alice, Hiulen and Nahuel all show up_)

**Jasper**: What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant happened here?

**Emmett**: You're never gonna believe this, Jazz! Bella's old man showed up and arrested the Volturi!

**Alice**: No way! I did _NOT_ see that one coming!

**Stephan**: Not to mention that the vampire government is in the hands of its rightful owners, us!

**Vladimir**: So there you have it!

**Jacob**: (_to onlookers_) All right people, show's over! Go back to your lives! (_cameras are put away and people leave the area. to cameraman filming this whole scene_) Put that camera away, the show's done now. (_Screen cuts to black. credits roll with Edward playing the piano and singing John Lennon's_ **Imagine**)

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Well, so there you have it. I decided that Twilight should have ended this way, but the book had a near-clean ending at that as well. But more will come soon!

So now that Breaking Dawn has ended, what's next for our beloved Cullen family? Well, whatever pops into my head, of course!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never knnow when I may write another chapter!


	2. How to appropriately end a story

Wow! Since writing this I've had 23 hits and 2 reviews. So now I give you more fanfiction!

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My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mautre crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

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Part two: **How to appropriately end a story****...**

**WARNING: This chapter may contain some Harry Potter bashing!! So no likey, no ready! And NO FLAMES!!! Plus J. K. Rowling makes an appearance and gets what for!**

_Bella reads the end of Breaking Dawn..._

**Bella**: (_reading the book_) _And so we went into our small but happy piece of forever. The end. _(_Cullens cheer_)

**Emmett**: Yes! Now that's what I call a good clean ending!

**Jasper**: That sounded kind of lame.

**Rosalie**: Well, at least it's better than that stupid epilogue that Scottish woman tried to write.

**Bella**: More like the _crapilogue_, if you know what I mean!

**Carlisle**: What is this crapilogue that you speak of?

**Emmett**: Well, J. K. Rowling thought she could write a story WITH an epilogue, but the story is nothing more than crap and the crapilogue was written by some stupid fangirl who wanted to see Harry and Ginny together.

**Jasper**: I thought _Deathly Hallows_ was good, but now it's all crap!

**Rosalie**: Harry honestly wanted us to think he's all powerful and stuff like that. When last I checked, vampires were 10 times more powerful than wizards!

**Bella**: I agree! So, let's rewrite the whole damn book!

**All**: Yeah!

_---several hours later..._---

**Carlisle**: (_reading the revised book_) Wow! This is great! I never thought of that? How'd you think of that?

**Bella**: Well, I thought Ginny should have died so I wrote her death in the book instead of Fred. Harry ditches the Weasleys and Hermione right after the battle and go to America, where Harry is rich and he does nothing but enjoy the rest of his life.

**Jasper**: And then Mr. Weasley proclaims that all wizards must be equal and stuff like that. Ron later marries some random girl who likes him for him and stuff.

**Emmett**: And here's how I ended the book: _And Harry decided to never again return to England, so he stayed in America and married some random girl and they had lots of kids and Harry lived happily ever after until he died at the ripe old age of 747. The end._

**Jacob**: LAME! I would have preferred this: _After the epilogue, Harry and Ginny later divorce and he takes up with some other girl who always fancied him. The end._

**Alice**: Oh please, Jake! I'd try this: _Harry__ dies in the final battle and rejoins his parents in Heaven, but he stupidly left a baby behind and his relatives all died of a heart attack because they were forced to raise yet another wizard. The end._

**Edward**: What is everyone doing?

**Carlisle**: They're rewriting _Harry Potter_. Don't ask why.

**Edward**: Wouldn't it have made more sense to start all over again, like in the beginning?

**All**: WHAT???

**Jacquel** (_played by me_): (_pops__ in_) I think I'm already doing the rewrite. It's called _Harry Potter Redux_ and it's on fanfiction(.)net.

**All**: WHAT???

**Esme**: Well, like it or not, they've all destroyed Harry Potter.

**Jacquel**: Not before they realized that I'm rewriting the story.

**Carlisle**: And epilogues?

**Jacquel**: No way! I don't believe in epilogues! Not since that crappy epilogue that Joanne just HAD to write. (_shakes her head_)

**J. K. Rowling**: (_shows up_) I believe some muggles don't like my final Harry Potter book and I don't know why.

**Jacquel**: Holy crap! You're J. K. Rowling! What are _you_ doing in a _Twilight_ fanfiction story?

**J. K. Rowling**: Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?

**Jacquel**: No, I'm not supposed to be dead! In fact, I don't belong to you, I belong to some fanfiction writer and even then the life of a storybook character is not the sole decision of a few pages of some author who is NOT God...(_J. K. Rowling does not notice the vampires behind her_) And besides, I think you should rewrite the last three books because they're all crap...

**Emmett**: GET HER!!! (_He, Jasper, Jacob, Alice, and Rosalie pounce on her)_

**J. K. Rowling**: (_screams her head off_)

* * *

Oh no! J. K. Rowling gets attacked by Meyerpires! Look out J.K.---oh, not good!

Well, anyway, we'll never know how Harry Potter should have ended, but yes, you can read Harry Potter Redux. And you can expect more silliness with vampires in the next chapter.

And yes, I'll be hanging out with the Cullens during the course of the story.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	3. Why Twislash is so much Fun

People are starting to love this story! So now I do more!

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My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mautre crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

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Part three: **Why** **Twislash is so much Fun**

**WARNING: This chapter may contain some SLASH!! I mean lots and lots of slash! So no likey, no ready! And NO FLAMES!!! **

_everyone is gathered at the computer room, all reading stories on fanfiction(.)net. Just then..._

**Jasper**: (_reading_) Hey everyone! Come check thls out! (_everyone stops what they're doing and rushes to Jasper's computer_)

**Rosalie**: What do you want to show us?

**Jasper**: THIS! (_he shows them a slash story_)

**Alice**: Well, this is kind of weird.

**Bella**: Anything is better than the _crapilogue_, if you know what I mean!

**Jacquel**: Jasper, do you know that this is a slash story?

**Emmett**: What? A slash story? Lemme see! (_he looks at the story_) Hey, it's about me and Jasper!

**Jasper**: What the hell? Why does every fangirl want to rape me?

**Rosalie**: It's not them, Jazz. They want Emmett to rape you.

**Bella**: I can't believe this!

**Alice**: I seem to find that kind of disturbing!

**Rosalie**: I'd like to tear that fanbitch to shreds!

**Emmett**: So what if I do have these "_feelings_" for Jasper?

**Jacquel**: Oh my God!

**Emmett**: Well, I do kind of think Jasper needs sex...

**All**: Eeeeewwwwww!!!

**Carlisle**: And what are you kids talking about?

**Jasper**: People have been writing slash stories about us!

**Carlisle**: Let me see...(_he reads a very smutty story about himself and Edward_) This is outrageous! Who in their right mind would write something like that?

**Edward**: What is going on here?

**Carlisle**: They're reading slash stories about all of us. Don't ask.

**Edward**: I see. Yes, I've seen way too many slash stories about me and Jacob, that disgusting mutt!

**Bella**: What the flip???

**Jacquel**: Yeah. It's just like the Harry/Draco thing. Hate is just unachieved love.

**All**: WHAT???

**Rosalie**: Well, like it or not, lots of fangirls want to see Edward and Jacob shagging.

**Bella**: But I _don't_!

**Carlisle**: I wonder why people like slash so much. Being the son of a preacher, that tends to disgust me.

**Jacquel**: Well, I like slash, so there you have it! But not to the point of obsession.

**Jacob**: All right! now what the hell is this about me and Edward shagging?

**Jacquel**: We found this story about you and Edward hooking up and stuff.

**Jacob**: Uh, no way am I ever hooking up with that bloodsucking leech!

**Edward**: I'll never hook up with a flea-infested mongrel like you!

**Jacob**: You're an idiot!

**Edward**: So are you!

**Jacquel**: Uh, watch it you two I else I'll write a fic about how you two made out at Bella's birthday party.

**Bella**: You wouldn't!

**Jacquel**: I would.

**Emmett**: Well, guess the secret is out then! Hah!

**Seth**: Hey, look what I found!

**All**: WHAT???

**Seth**: there's a fic saying that Jacob is someone's crack fic baby!!!

**Jacob**: WHAT THE HELL???

**Jacquel**: Oh well. Guess no one will ever know why slash is so much fun then.

* * *

Ok, I've yet to read some Twilight slash or any Twilight fanfic for that matter; please tell me of some good fics to read.

And as for Jacob, well, you can guess who his parents are.

Carlisle is a bit old-fashioned in his thinking.

Bella hates the idea of Edward and Jacob hooking up.

Every fangirl wants to mess with poor Jasper.

And I should try to find a Twilight guy to hook up with.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	4. Edward vs Jacob vs Jace Wayland

Ok, please have another chapter in this story. You all want one.

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My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mautre crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

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Part four: **Edward vs. Jacob vs. Jace Wayland**

**WARNING: This chapter may contain some characters fighting over an author!! And some annoying screaming fangirls. So no likey, no ready! And NO FLAMES!!! **

** Also, I don't own the Mortal Instruments trilogy, Cassandra Clare does. **

_Edward and Jacob are (once again) fighting. Just then, Jacquel decides to intervene..._

**Jacquel**: (_reading a book_) Hey, will you two clam up? (_throws an apple at the offending boys_)

**Rosalie**: Yeah, what are you two fighting over this time?

**Jacob**: This! Stephenie Meyer is nothing more than a traitor! (_he shows them a review for a book_)

**Jacquel**: Hey, hand over my book!

**Edward**: I can't believe you, Jacquelyn! Do you know what book you're reading?

**Alice**: So what? She's reading that new book I got for her. She's obviously a bookworm.

**Emmett**: It's only _City of Bones_, which is part of the _Mortal instruments_ Trilogy.

**Edward**: What the hell? Stephenie Meyer says she wants to hang out with Jace Wayland?

**Jacob**: We got replaced!

**Edward**: I can't believe this!

**Jacquel**: Well, if you're ***THAT*** upset, then why don't you goo up to her and tell her you're upset?

**Alice**: I can foresee that this isn't going to end well...

**Edward**: Why don't we go and see about this?

**Jacquel**: Oh dear!

**Jacob**: Well, I agree. Let's go! (_they drive to Utah, or wherever Stephenie Meyer lives. There, they see her being entertained by Jace Wayland_)

**Stephenie**: Edward Jacob? What a pleasant surprise! Why are you here?

**Jacob**: (_to Jace_) Hey, punk! Step away from her!

**Edward**: Or else we'll rip you into pieces!

**Stephenie**: Ok, now what is going on here?

**Jacquel**: The boys got made because they think you've abandoned them and are now chasing after Jace Wayland.

**Jace**: Awww, are you two jealous because I happen to be good-looking and you're just poofballs?

**Edward**: Watch it! I have someone here who can write blackmail fics! She'll write fics about you that are very bad!

**Stephenie**: Ok, boys, let's all try to get along here...

**Jacob**: And what about you, weakling? You're a poor excuse for a Sacred bastard child of a steaming spider-molesting giraffe! How dare you please our writer!

**Jace**: Oh please! You're just a stupid shapeshifter, you Immortal bastard child of a salivating trogg-raping marsupial!

**Edward**: Oh no you didn't! No one calls him that except me!

**Stephenie**: Would you guys stop with those nasty insults? There's a child in this room!

**Jacquel**: I'm not a child, I'm a werewitch.

**Edward**: So back off now, You bastard child of a crazy lobster-faced scorpian, or else I'll have her destroy your life in a fanfic!

**Jacob**: And stop calling me a bastard! My father's name is Billy Black and don't you forget it, you Almighty bastard child of a volatile trogg-breeding platypus!

**Jace**: Hey, my parents were married when they had me! So don't you dare drag them into this, you pathetic son of a shapeshifting dog!

**Jacob**: I am so gonna rip you into pieces! Leave my parents alone, lest I have Jacquel destroy you!

**Edward**: And if you insult Carlisle and Esme, I'll rip your throat with my teeth and beg Carlisle's forgiveness later! (they all hurl insults at each other)

**Stephenie**: My God! Those boys are so immature!

**Jacquel**: Well, I can always write about them doing naughty things...(to Edward, Jacob, and Jace) Stop that right now or I'll write a fic about you three having a threesome!!

**Jacob**: (_gasping_) Oh hell no you wouldn't dare!

**Edward**: You can't do that, you'll upset Bella!

**Jacquel**: Get along with him or I _will_. (_Jace walks up to her_)

**Jace**: Why do you waste your time with these immature Unholy bastard childred of a bulbous lobster-breeding squid? You should be with me instead. They can use someone like you at the Council. (_Jacob and Edward glare with jealousy as they watch Jace interact quite seductively with Jacquel_)

**Stephenie**: Well, boys, I still am going to read the _Mortal Instruments_ Trilogy whether you like it or not. (_boys gasp. doorbell rings; fangirls from every book, game, and movie that was ever written are at the door_)

**Fangirls**: Look! It's Edward Cullen! And Jacob Black! And Jace Wayland!

**Jace**: Oh shit! Fangirls!

**Fangirls**: GET THEM!!!

**Jace**: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! (_he, Edward, and Jacob run as the fangirls chase them)_

**Jacquel**: (_sees everything_) Well, I better go rescue them!

**Stephenie**: I'll be off then! (_goes back to her house_)

**Jacquel**: (_drives off and rescues Edward and Jacob from being glomp-raped by fangirls_) Ok boys, we better get home or Bella will flip out when she finds out you took off without her knowledge nor her consent. (_Jace comes up to her_)

**Jace**: When you get done with those two Sacred sons of a giant trogg-pleasing wombat, give a real man a holla! (_he gives Jacquel his cell phone number. Jacob and Edward glare at him again_)

**Jacquel**: And why do I put up with MEN???

* * *

Same as last chapter: get me a good Twilight fic to read and tell me what the title of the story, the writer, and what the story is about.

Well, the fight between Jacob, Edward, and Jace for Jacquel's heart isn't over; in fact, it has just begun. More will come in future chapters.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	5. What if Bella beat the crap out of Jacob

Well, since I'm bored, I'll toss out another chapter!

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My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mautre crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

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Part five: **What if Bella beat the crap out of Jacob in "Breaking Dawn"?**

**WARNING: This chapter may contain some characters fighting and violence and stuff. So no likey, no ready! And NO FLAMES!!! Also, this part was based on a moment in "Breaking Dawn", which I don't own, Stephenie Meyer does.**

_Bella gets very mad at Jacob and pounces on him._

**Bella**: YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE NOCH LESS MONSTER???? (_pounces on Jacob_)

**Rosalie**: Oh shit, this is gonna hurt...

**Jacob**: (_cowers in fear_) Have mercy on me, Bella!!!

**Seth**: Oh, this isn't good...(_Bella slaps Jacob across his face_)

**Bella**: Take that, You son of a screaming badger-breeding shrew! I will NOT have you messing with my daughter!

**Jacob**: But Bella, I can't help it if I imprinted on Nessie? You broke my heart by refusing to date me!

**Bella**: (_smacks Jacob again_) Don't you dare blame me for your stupidity, you Great son of a giant lobster-loving orc! I loved Edward, and you had to be an asshole about it!

**Edward**: Ok, Bella, calm down, there's no need for you to get all worked up and...

**Jacob**: Nobody asked for your help, you Exalted son of a bulbous squid-minded orc!

**Carlisle**: I cannot believe you, Jacob Black! We take you in, we feed you and clothe you, and this is how you repay us?

**Bella**: And you insulted Carlisle as well? I'm going to kill you, you Flaming son of a festering giraffe-raping squid!

**Jacob**: No Bella, no!

**Bella**: Too late, Jacob Black!! (_she then proceeds to beat the crap out of Jacob. He screams and begs for mercy. Everyone else watches with interest_)

**Emmett**: Ok, remind me to tell Jacquel to write a fic about Bella and Jacob.

**Carlisle**: Ok then. (_At this point, Bella has really beaten up Jacob, and he has bruises and some broken bones. Jacob is crying._)

**Jacob**: I'm sorry, Bella!!

**Bella**: (_still beating him up_) Shut up, Jacob! You ruined my life!!!

**Jacob**: I'm sorry, Bella!!!

**Bella**: Well, it's too late now, Jacob Black, and to think we were once friends!!

**Jacob**: We are still friends Bella, but somehow along the way, I fell in love with you!

**Bella**: And you tried to lure me away from Edward! I could handle all the other shit that you have pulled, but imprinting on Renesmee was the final straw! Prepare to die, Jacob Black!! (_at this point, Emmett can't watch anymore. He goes over to Bella and intervenes_)

**Emmett**: Ok, Bella, that's enough. I'm sure Jacob didn't mean to imprint on Renesmee. You know how he is; he's an idiot, just like his crack fic parents.

**Bella**: I see!

**Leah**: Well, I hate to break some very bad news...

**All**: Like WHAT?!

**Leah**: Jacob didn't imprint on Renesmee after all! (_Bella breathes a sigh of relief_)

**Edward**: Oh thank you God!

**Rosalie**: And if Jacob didn't imprint on Renesmee, then who did he imprint on? (_Jacquel shows up_)

**All**: JACQUEL?!

**Jacob**: Oh shit!

**Carlisle**: You mean to tell me that you imprinted on Jacquelyn?

**Jacob**: Well, I saw her coming downstairs with the baby; I looked at HER and it hit me...

**Jacquel**: What the flip? Jacob imprinted on..._me_???

**Emmett**: Well, yeah...

**Jacquel**: I don't believe it! It's like...I'm practically your stepsister!!!

**Jacob**: (_gasping_) What???

**Edward**: Since when was she your stepsister?

**Jacquel**: Since, well, my father is Remus Lupin and he had an affair with Sirius Black, which resulted in Jacob being conceived...(_Jacob looks at everyone nervously; Jacquel gets angry_)

**Seth**: Wouldn't it mean that you and Jacob are...siblings? (_Jacob growls at Seth to shut up and stares at Jacquel_)

**Jacquel**: My own stepbrother imprinted on me??? (_Cullens gasp. Jacob cowers in fear_) JACOB BLACK, I'M GONNA MESS YOU UP!!! (_she pounces on Jacob and proceeds to finish what Bella began, which is beating the crap out of Jacob_)

**Jacob**: I'm sorry, Jacquel!!! (_screams as Jacquel beats him up_)

* * *

Same as last chapter: get me a good Twilight fic to read and tell me what the title of the story, the writer, and what the story is about.

Ouch! Jacob should have found out who Jacquel really was BEFORE he imprinted on her! But not to worry; Jace Wayland and several other guys have a claim on her as well.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	6. Reads Like Twilight

Let's do another chapter! And this time, everyone sings!

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My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mautre crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part six: **Reads Like Twilight**

**WARNING: This chapter is a spoof of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and I don't own that song either. but take the spoof and use it without my permission and you'll be beaten up by the La Push Wolves!**

The following is a spoof of that song by Nirvana called _Smells Like Teen Spirit_, which will be performed by Jacquel and the Cullens, plus Jacob.

(_When another (boring) HSM and Jonas Brothers-like group gets chased off the stage, Jacquel and the Cullens, plus Jacob, run to the stage._ _playing the guitar is Carlisle and Jacquel, playing the piano (le gasp!) is Edward, playing the bass guitar is Jasper, and playing the drums is Emmett_)

**Emmett**: All right, let's do this shit!

(_music plays_)

**Carlisle**: _What is this book all about that's getting people all worked up / they say that vampires are popular today, but where were they when Interview With a Vampire came out?_

**Jacquel, Bella, Rosalie, & Jacob**: _Not there, not there, they were watching stupid Disney movies / they mocked it and they mocked Anne Rice / what were they thinking, her books are the best / much better than that filthy crap about those stupid teen rebels..._

**All**: _Well we're out there, and it's extreme / yes we're vampires, please don't fear us / because we don't drink the blood of humans / because to us, that's revolting / And we don't care about what the Volturi says / they can all go jump into a volcano, hah!_

**Carlisle**: _Most vampires have covens, but somehow I got a family / we play baseball during thunderstorms and hang out with the wolves of La Push..._

**Jacquel, Bella, Rosalie, & Jacob**: _Mock us, mock us, mock us and you'll die / we sparkle in the sun, so don't call us pansies / our best friends are those guys from True Blood / and Van Hellsing, Buffy, and Blade once travelled with us to Russia!_

**All**: _We're so much better than High School Musical / yes we're vampires, please don't fear us / because we only drink the blood of animals / and like that band Nirvana, we hail from Seattle / it rains there constantly, and we throw wild parties / and it sure beats wearing crappy Volturi robes, yeah!_

(_prolonged musical interlude_)

**Jacob**: _I was supposed to sing about the Wolves of La Push / well, instead of fighting with those disgusting leeches, I should have rehearsed / now Dr. Fang's gotta I'm-gonna-kick-your-butt look on his face, I hope he remembers that treaty he signed with my great-grandfather..._

**Bella**: _Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, what have you done? / I only asked you to get along with Edward / at least he has the common courtesy of being nice to you / and he always thinks of others and not himself_

**Jacquel** _What have I gotten myself into? / Guess I should have stayed with Harry Potter / but then again, he married that Mary-Sue Ginny Weasley / yup that stupid jerk broke my all-too-fragile heart! / So I'm going back to the vampires / and it looks like I'm with them for good / so see you later, see you later, see you later, see you later, see you later, see you later, see you later, see you later!_

(_music fades. curtains fall on stage. Cullens, Jacob, and Jacquel exit the stage. applause from audience_)

* * *

Well, I hope you enjoyed the singing; the Cullens, Jacob, and I might be doing more of that in the future.

About the instruments: I play the guitar in real life, and plus Carlisle and I would be most likely to sing. Edward plays the piano since he does that in Twilight, Jasper would play the bass guitar since he's the quiet Cullen, and Emmett would most likely play the drums, since he's the most boisterous of the Cullens.

And I'm not sure if the Cullens would actually befriend Van Helsing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Blade, or the guys from _True Blood_, but you'll never know!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	7. Always a Bridesmaid, Never a BrideYet

Here's another one for you!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part seven: **Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride...Yet!!!**

**What if Leah Clearwater gets her "**_happily ever after_**" after all? And can imprints get broken?**

_Leah is angry and she wants her moment in the spotlight. The Cullens help her make her dreams come true._

********

**Leah**: (_very angry_) I can't believe that stupid Sam Uley! He wants to marry Emily on MY BIRTHDAY!!! (_she kicks everyone's clothes around_)

**Seth**: Hey, don't feel too bad, Leah. At least it's not on the anniversary of when he imprinted on Emily.

**Leah**: Yeah, and that too! Sometimes, I wish _I_ could have someone to love! Then it wouldn't be so hard now.

**Seth**: Yeah. I agree. (_he runs off, leaving Leah to clean up the mess_)

**Leah**: (_thinking to herself as she picks up the clothes_) Stupid Sam Uley is gonna be sorry he ever broke my heart! I'll show him!

---_at the Cullen house_---

(_Emmett, Jasper, and Tanya are playing Rock Band as everyone else watches. Just then, Seth shows up._)

**Seth**: I need your help guys!

**All**: What is it?

**Seth**: It's Leah! She's having a hissy fit just because of Sam's decision to marry Emily on her birthday!

**Esme**: Who's birthday?

**Seth**: Leah's!

**Jacquel**: Ok, that's like the ultimate bitch-slap right there. This is worse that when they didn't give David Letterman that gig at NBC! Or when John McCain skipped out on appearing on his show! Or...

**Edward**: Maybe we can, you know, have Leah marry someone else on Sam's birthday just to spite him!

**Rosalie**: Yeah! Make Leah get married on Sam's wedding day! That'll irk him to no end!

**Alice**: Perfect! Now I go shopping for wedding day supplies! (_she jumps into her car and drives off._)

**Jasper**: And now, we must find a willing victim for Leah to marry.

**Bella**: I know just the guy...

-------

(_Jacob is being yelled at by an adult Renesmee_)

**Renesmee**: I can't believe you, Jacob Black! You imprinted on me when I was a baby???

**Jacob**: but I didn't even know you back then, Nessie!

**Renesmee**: Oh, shut up, Jacob! I heard from Jacquel that you tried to have sex with my mother!

**Jacob**: But I liked her...

**Renesmee**: And you wanted to **IMPRINT** on her as well even though she had dad!

**Jacob**: Nessie, please!

**Renesmee**: I can't believe the guy I'm stuck with for always and eternity was acting like such a stuck-up no good brat just because his best frind was dating a vampire! The imprint has been broken! I'm going to find Nahuel! Perhaps _HE_ can show me what a real man is like!

**Jacob**: Hey, what about me?

**Renesmee**: I'm finished with you, Jacob Black! Go run around in the woods with Leah! (_she storms off._)

**Jacob**: Nessie!!!

**Renesmee**: (_far away_) And I'm not Nessie! I'm Renesmee! Not a stupid sea monster myth! And I hated that stupid nickname anyway!

**Jacob**: Nooooooo!!!! (_burst into tears over the broken imprint_)

**Bella**: (_watching the whole thing_) See? This is why you shouldn't have imprinted on my daughter!

**Jacob**: Yeah, yours and that leech Edward!

**Bella**: C'mon, Jake, I'll have Esme make you some tea. (_she leads him out of Renesmee's room and downstairs_)

-------

**Seth**: Ah, Jacob! There you are! We needed to see you.

**Jacob**: Whatever for?

**Seth**: Leah's pissed at Sam becase he wants his wedding day on her birthday.

**Jacob**: Yeah, sure, ok, whatever. (_he slumps on the couch_)

**Carlisle**: Tell me what happened.

**Jacob**: Your granddaughter broke my heart! That's what happened!

**Edward**: You shouldn't have kissed Bella in the first place, you Flaming son of a putrid wombat-headed badger!

**Jacob**: Oh shut up, You son of a filthy kangaroo-abusing scallywag! (_to Carlisle_) No offense, Dr. Acula, but he's an idiot!

**Edward**: Jacob!

**Jacob**: Edward!

**Bella**: That's enough, you two! Edward, go find Renesmee and talk to her; the rest of us need to deal with Jacob. (_Edward leaves_)

**Carlisle**: (_picks up bell and rings it_) FAMILY MEETING!

--------

(_family meeting_)

**Carlisle**: Ok, guys, we have a problem here.

**Emmett**: Like what?

**Carlisle**: Renesmee dumped Jacob and broke his heart.

**Rosalie**: But it's not like she can just get rid of him, or can she?

**Jasper**: Imprints rarely get broken, but then again, Renesmee is a rare person.

**Jacob**: Renesmee!!! (_bursts into tears again_)

**Jacquel**: We need to get him a girl and fast! (_everyone looks at her_) _Not_ me!

**Seth**: Then who?

-------

(_Renesmee is at Leah's house_)

**Leah**: You were wise to come to me, Renesmee. I too have had a brush with love that turned out to be not-so-true.

**Renesmee**: But why does it have to be me?

**Leah**: Men are jerks.

**Renesmee**: What?

**Leah**: Welcome to the real world, Renesmee! Here, men act like jerks and women are no better! I would advise you to find someone who cares about you and not just an idiot who imprinted on you...(_Edward shows up_) What do _YOU_ want?

**Edward**: Well, first off, I need to talk to Renesmee about Jacob...

**Renesmee**: Dad, is it true what Jacob did to mom?

**Leah**: Like what?

**Renesmee**: I heard he kissed her and she slapped him.

**Edward**: And broke her hand. I threatened him that if he did it again, I would smack him for her.

**Renesmee**: Dad, I broke the imprint.

**Edward**: You WHAT???

**Leah**: Interesting. Go on.

**Renesmee**: No, I mean it. I can't spend the rest of my life with an idiot who pined away for my mother and acted like an asshole about it! That's why I'm going to find Nahuel! Perhaps he's better than Jacob!

**Edward**: Perhaps. At least I don't have to put up with him as a son-in-law now.

**Leah**: Well, let's go down there and rub it in his face, shall we? (they leave the house adn go back to the Cullen's house)

-----

(_Alice returns with every wedding day supply in the universe_)

**Alice**: I'm back! Anything good happen?

**Emmett**: Renesmee broke the imprint and Jacob's throwing a fit!

**Alice**: I see. Well, where's Leah? I brought this gigantic wedding dress for her and I want her to try it on...(_Leah, Edward, and Renesmee return_) There you are, Leah! Now, let's get you dressed! (_She takes the dress and Leah and walks off._)

**Jasper**: Alice got a boatload of supplies here! She must have been seriously shopping!

**Jacquel**: She's always seriously shopping! Now it's off to work!

**Bella**: On what?

**Seth**: On what will become the greatest day in my life!

------

(_many hours later, when everyone has organized the supplies and stuff. They're vampires, remember?_)

**Alice**: Ok, everyone! I got all your wedding day clothes here! (_she fishes out another bag filled with clothes and everyone reaches for the clothes_)

**Jacob**: Me too?

**Jacquel**: Of course you too, Jacob! You're going to be in on it too! Now remember guys, Sam gets married this Friday so we gotta get everything in line by then!

**Kate**: That'll be a nice prank! _I'm marrying my bride and she turns out to be my ex-girlfriend_! Hah!

**Alice**: Speaking of which, Here she comes now! (_Leah steps out in a dress that is several sizes too big for her. everyone stares at her._)

**Esme**: (_frowns_) We're going to need a lot of work on that dress.

-------

(_a few days later, everyone is crowding the church in La Push. The minister is at the pupilt. Everyone is excited. But no one notices that the Cullens and the others are among them_)

**Xandy**: But mom, why do _I_ have to be the dumb old ring bearer?

**Jacquel**: Because, Xandy, your older brothers are going to be the groomsmen and we needed a little person to be the ringbear. And that's you, Xandy!

**Xandy**: This sucks! (_he takes the ring pillow and storms off_)

**Jacquel**: Ok, is everything ready?

**Alice**: Yes. Emily and her wedding party haven't arrived yet.

**Seth**: Good! Now I gotta have a word with Jake...(_he and Jacob whisper their plans while everyone else gets themselves ready. Edward is at the organ_)

**Bella**: Now, Edward! (_Edward play's Bach's Ave Maria while the Sam's wedding party escorts Jacquel, Bella, Rosalie, and Alice down the aisle. Chutney, Pammy, Henry, Shara, Seth, Heath, Renesmee, and Delicia follow. Xandy follows them carrying the ring with a scowl on his face. Claire laughs as she tosses flowers around the church. The guests don't even know something is amiss._)

**Carlisle**: (_sees Seth and Leah_) She's here!

**Edward**: Perfect! (_plays "Bridal March". Seth and Leah walk down the aisle. the guests stand and acknowledge Leah. The minister approaches the pupilt and begins his sermon_)

**Emmett**: (_he and Jasper are the lookout team, sitting in the back of the church. They see Emily and her party arriving._) Oh crap! Jig's up!

**Jacob**: What do we do now?

**Jasper**: You're supposed to run in and shout, "_I object_!" right when the minister says, "_Speak now or forever hold your peace..._"

**Emmett**: Dammit, Jazz! He aleady said the words!

**Jacob**: Well, time for me to put this into action! (_Rushes to the door_)

**Minister**: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride...(_Sam pulls back the veil and reveals Leah_)

**Sam**: Leah?

**Seth**: Haha!

**Leah**: So, how does it feel, knowng that this could have been us all along, but you imprinted on Emily and broke my heart! But no matter, you're now stuck with me for always and eternity!

**Sam**: _You_??? And those blasted Cullens were in on it as well???

**Jacob**: (_rushes into the church_) I OBJECT!!! (_everyone stares at him_)

**Sam**: Jacob!

**Jacob**: Yeah. We did that to remind you of what you could have had! But you had to play the idiot, or did you?

**Renesmee**: Shut up, Jacob! You're no better!

**Jacob**: At least _I_ didn't imprint on Bella's cousin!

**Bella**: You should have!

**Emily**: (_walking into the church_) Uh, is this a bad time? (_everyone nods_) Ok, I'll wait out here until this ends.

**Leah**: Ah, your bride awaits! Go find her and stuff like that...unless you want her to find out about...

**Sam**: EMILY!!! (_He, Paul, Jared, Brady, and Colin rush outside_)

**Minister**: Am I going to get to marry somone today???

**Jacob**: Yeah.

**Leah**: Ok, now where were we?

**Seth**: Back to the vows, I guess. (_Minister has Jacob and Leah recite their vows and Sam watches in anger. Emily comforts him_)

**Emily**: Sam, why can't you be happy for Leah?

**Sam**: She stole our wedding! Uggghhhh!!!! I can't believe she did that to us! What was she thinking??

**Brady**: And to even get the Cullens involved...

**Emily**: I'm shocked that this would happen like that. Oh, well. We can get married tomorrow then.

**Sam**: What's wrong with Vegas? Lots of people get married there.

**Emily**: Too far. Let't get married someplace closer.

**Sam**: What did you have in mind? (_cheers erupt from the church_) What the hell's going on in there?

**Paul**: It happened. (_they look inside the church_)

**Minister**: I now present to you...Mr. and Mrs. Jacob and Leah Black! (_guests cheer_)

**Sam**: My wedding day! And I got upstaged by Jacob!

**Emily**: You still have me.

**Sam**: Right. Now let's catch that minister before he tries to take off...(_guests spill outside to the courtyard, where Alice has decorated the entire place_) And the little pixie has the nerve to use WAY too much color in the courtyard!

**Emily**: I enjoy it. (_sees minister_)

**Minister**: I take it you two wish to marry as well?

**Emily**: Yes.

**Minister**: Very well then. Shall we? (_Sam and Emily's wedding party gather as the minister reads the vows. in the courtyard, a huge party is held_)

**Emmett**: Ready? (_he has his drums, Jasper has the bass guitar, and Carlisle has the lead guitar_) All right, let's do this shit! (_crowd cheers_)

**Jacquel**: Can't believe this turned out to be better than we planned.

**Seth**: Yeah.

**Rosalie**: Hah! Now poor Sam will have the indignity of having his wedding day on the same day as Leah's.

**Bella**: And her birthday.

**Seth**: Yeah, and that too. (_a song plays_)

**Jacquel**: Hey, isn't that Billy Idol's _White Wedding_?

**Alice**: I made them practice for hours. Let's dance! (_everyone starts dancing as the song plays. Sam is upset_)

**Sam**: My wedding day has been ruined!

**Emily**: Not all of it, Sam. We're married now.

**Jared**: Too bad they can't let us into the reception though.

**Paul**: That's not stopping _HIM_! (_they spot Jace Wayland sneaking into the party. He makes a beeline for Jacquel_)

**Jace**: Hey, how's life with those Exalted bastard children of a steaming orc-headed giraffe?

**Edward**: (_notices Jace_) You again?

**Jace**: Why not? I love weddings! Drinks all around! But where's your little friend?

**Edward**: He got married today.

**Jace**: Oh, to a woman who is uglier than _Ugly Betty_? Shame. He really is an Unholy son of a swollen lobster-brained rat!

**Bella**: Would you kindly not insult Jacob? And besides, why are you here?

**Jace**: I'm going to steal this lovely little lady here. (_he takes Jacquel onto the dance floor_)

**Edward**: Great! My happy moment and _HE_ shows up!

**Bella**: Don't be jealous, Edward. Jacquel knows an idiot when she sees one.

**Edward**: I hope so. (_everyone is dancing long into the night_)

------

(_At a restaurant_)

**Waiter**: So what's the occasion?

**Sam**: Emily and I got married today.

**Waiter**: We only serve gay couples. You two will have to leave.

**Sam**: Oh hell no we won't! How dare you say that! Our wedding day has been ruined and then YOU show up! I'll show you what for! (_he is about to punch the waiter when another waiter intervenes_)

**Waiter #2**: Don't listen to him; he's an idiot. Now, what shall I serve you?

**Stephenie Meyer**: So what have I told you? Leah _does_ get her "_happily ever __after_" after all! And as for Sam...well, you're just going to have to wait and see!

* * *

Here's my opinion: Renesmee is going to find out that Jacob tried to have sex with Bella and she dumps him, leaving Leah free to claim him. Because she deserves love as well.

And as for Sam, people are going to be mocking him for not marrying Leah in the first place.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	8. The Return of Royce King, part 1

Let's get going with some more Twi-fun!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part eight: **The Return of Royce King, part 1**

_So what if Rosalie's ex-fiance managed to survive her attack on him and become a vampire? This is what would happen next_:

(_everyone is playing the new and improved Rock Band during a thunderstorm when suddenly the house goes dark_)

**Emmett**: Awwww dammit!!! Just as I was getting ready for my solo!

**Carlisle**: Guess what time it is, kids! Baseball time! (_Everyone drops what they're doing and grabs baseball bats, balls, and gloves_)

**Rosalie**: I'm not going!

**Carlisle**: Why not? (_looks at her_) Oh, I know what you mean: today must be that anniversary, right?

**Rosalie**: Yes.

**Carlisle**: I remember it so well...(_thinks back to the time he saved Rosalie from almost certain death_)

**Esme**: Carlisle? Everyone's ready to go! Carlisle?

**Carlisle**: Esme, it's happening.

**Esme**: What? The game?

**Carlisle**: No. It's Rosalie.

**Esme**: What?

**Carlisle**: Remember that night I saved her life?

**Esme**: Of course, Carlisle. Now let's go. We're all waiting for you.

**Carlisle**: Very well. (_he drives his car and several other cars follow him. They all go to a huge field. Several wolves are watching them_)

**Wolf #1**: Dude, these guys play baseball?

**Jared**: Yup.

**Wolf #2**: What kind of vampires play baseball?

**Brady**: They do. (_At this point, the Cullens have set up the bases and all are staring at Alice_)

**Alice**: Ok, let's get this game started! (_the game begins and the wolves watch as no one is able to get past Jacquel, who is playing 3rd base_)

**Wolf #1**: This is unnatural! These bloodthirsty killers play baseball?

**Brady**: You haven't heard the song?

**Wolf #2**: What song?

**Brady**: (_singing a messed up version of "Reads Like Twilight"_) _We play baseball during thunderstorms, we only drink blood from animals, we hang out with the wolves of La Push..._that song.

**Wolf #1**: No.

**Jared**: Perhaps you haven't listened to their music. I'll pilfer on of their CD's later and show you...(_just then, another vampire is spotted_) Uh, what are you doing here?

**Vampire**: I'm looking for someone.

**Brady**: Not right now, you're not. Right now, everyone's playing baseball.

**Vampire**: Baseball?

**Jared**: Yeah. They're strange.

**Wolf #1:** So, who are you?

**Vampire**: My name is Royce King II. I'm looking for a Rosalie Hale. Have you seen her?

**Jared**: Nope. Never heard of her.

**Brady**: You're in the wrong area, Royce King. This is our lands, and don't even think about visiting that house over there; the doctor there gave his word not to have any strange company there unless he knew who they were.

**Royce**: Well, that doctor should know that my Rosalie is out there.

**Jared**: I know! But I've got news for you: Rosalie doesn't know you, nor do we. In fact, she's probably old and dead by now.

**Royce**: I saw her once as a vampire! I know she's here!

**Brady**: Nah. She's dead. But we do know a Rosalie Cullen, shall we take you to her?

**Royce**: You will if you know what's good for you!

**Jared**: (_to Brady and wolves_) I don't know about this, guys. He looks dangerous.

**Brady**: Let's rip him into pieces and be done with it!

**Wolf #2**: Wait. Let's see what he does first. (_Royce is seen walking towards the field_) Let's stop him! (_they chase after Royce_)

**Jacquel**: Wolves approaching at 8:00! (_everyone assumes formation_) What's going on here? Any rouge vampires trying to break into our house?

**Brady**: Well, we have a bit of a problem...

**Esme**: Like what?

**Jared**: There's a guy who claims to know a Rosalie Hale wandering around here.

**Jasper**: Is he a vampire?

**Brady**: He ain't playing with you guys, so yes, he's a vampire!

**Jacquel**: (_to the kids_) Head back to my car and stay there now! (_kids rush to Jacquel's car_)

**Wolf #1**: We're just gonna steer him away from you guys so you can get back to your playing.

**Edward**: Have you been spying on us?

**Wolf #2**: Perhaps. We're new here. I'm Donnie and this is Jeff. We just moved here a few nights ago.

**Bella**: So that explains all the howling I heard earlier.

**Jeff**: Howling? Oh, sorry! That was us. Sam Uley dragged us into his little group. He's such a jerk.

**Donnie**: He cares not for whose feelings he's hurt.

**Emmett**: That was our fault; we wrecked his wedding a few weeks ago.

**Brady**: Yeah, I know. But anyway, this vampire won't be bothering you guys...(_Royce forces his way in_)

**Royce**: Now you better tell me where Rosalie is NOW!

**Jacquel**: You sound like a guy with a death wish.

**Jared**: Meaning...

**Rosalie**: You don't mess with the Cullens and live!

**Brady**: And the Volturi?

**Edward**: They got lucky we didn't mess them up, but we should have.

**Emmett**: All right, punk! Now who are you and why are you here?

**Rosalie**: Royce? What are you doing here?

**Royce**: I knew I'd find you here, Rosalie! (_Cullens surround Rosalie_)

**Carlisle**: Royce King, isn't it? I believe I've heard of you!

**Royce**: What?

**Carlisle**: I knew you were bad news the moment I first heard your name.

**Royce**: What's that supposed to mean?

**Jacquel**: Watch it, punk! You're on thin ice here! (_she makes it look like Royce is on thin ice_)

**Rosalie**: Oh, so you decided to come crawling back to me? Well, sorry, Royce, but I moved on! I got married to a man who's better that you in every way! (_She and Emmett smile at each other_)

**Edward**: So please, back off, or you will be insulted very badly!

**Royce**: You chose HIM over me????

**Edward**: Yeah, those two blasted hornbags! Uuuuuugggggghhhhh!

**Royce**: He's a country bumpkin! I'm rich!

**Rosalie**: And I thought you loved me! But then I found out that you like to kill women just for kicks! KICKS! You thought it was funny, killing me? Then I had to get turned by the doctor here just to have him save my life! I had to read the news about how my parents reacted when they found out I died. I even attended my own funeral!! I was so ready to live a happy life and next I die! I hope you're happy with yourself, Royce King, because I'm over you!

**Royce**: Ouch! That is so mean! Why did you have to hurt me in that way?

**Jacquel**: Plain and simple: you're nothing more than a Great bastard child of a bulbous worm-breeding marsupial and Emmett is super cool and stuff like that.

**Emmett**: So, you hurt my Rose? I'm gonna mess you up! (_he prepares to beat the crap out of Royce when Carlisle intervenes_)

**Carlisle**: Remember who you are, Emmett. (_to Royce_) I should allow either Jacquelyn to immolate you or hand you to the wolves and have them tear you to pieces, but since I'm feeling generous, I'm letting you go with a warning: if you ever come near my family again, I won't be so nice. I'll even tear you to pieces myself. Do I make myself clear?

**Royce**: Crystal. (_he bolts_)

**Carlisle**: (_to wolves_) You know what to do the next time you see him.

**Jared**: Of course. We'll let all the wolves know that a potentially dangerous vampire has been spotted and he intimidated the Cullen family. Sam won't let him get too far.

**Carlisle**: Very well then. Come, everyone, we head home.

**Bella**: Why?

**Carlisle**: As long as that Royce King is out there, I don't want any of us taking any chances. If you see him, you are all to kill him on sight. Understand? (_everyone nods_) Good. Let's go home. (_everyone jumps into their cars and heads home; the thunderstorm is still brewing outside. The wolves return to Sam and report their findings_)

**Sam**: Well, this is serious. Any vampire with a vendetta like that is not welcome here. And Rosalie Hale is especially at risk. I'll have to set up guards around the house to make sure everyone's safe.

**Brady**: And if we chance upon this Royce King again...

**Sam**: Do what must be done. Kill without restraint. Show no mercy. (_meanwhile, Jacob has heard what happened_)

**Jacob**: Ok Seth, here's what we do: we find him and follow him around. And if he says what I think he'll say, we'll tear him to pieces and save Dr. Fang the trouble of doing it himself. Now let's go.

**Seth**: Jake? What about the other pack?

**Jacob**: I'm sure they're planning the same thing.

-----

(_at the Cullen house_)

**Rosalie**: I thought I killed him. I never thought he would...(_bursts into tears_) And what if the others come back as well?

**Jasper**: They won't, because we'll tear them up.

**Emmett**: Don't worry, Rose. I'll make sure that Royce King jerk pays for what he did to you. No woman ever deserves that kind of treatment. Your other family shouldn't have had to suffer like that. But no more. Royce King is as good as dead.

** Stephenie Meyer**: But will they ever catch Royce? Will Royce run off to the Volturi? Wait, there's no Volturi for him to run to; they all got arrested in the beginning of the story, remember? So anyway, tune in, because this isn't ending anytime soon!

* * *

Well, we haven't seen the last of Royce yet! He'll be coming back in a few chapters and he and Emmett are going to fight for Rosalie. But who's going to win?

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	9. The La Push Show

Here's more fun with the Twilight Gang!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part nine: **The La Push Show**

_Here's what happens when the wolves of La Push get their own TV show..._

(_everyone is at Jacob's house watching TV)_

**Jacob**: Well, I'm bored!

**Seth**: Me too!

**Embry**: There's nothing on TV except dumb old reality shows and I hate dumb old reality shows!

**Quil**: Hey, I've got an idea!

**All**: What?

**Quil**: Let's do our own TV show!

**Embry**: Quil, anyone can make their own TV show on YouTube.

**Quil**: So what? We can do a reality show about us!

**Jacob**: Yeah right! Like there's anyone in this blasted country who would be interested in a bunch of shapeshifters like us!

**Sam**: You'll never know.

-------

(_a few weeks later, cameras are set up all over the place. a set of bleachers is set up in front of a stage. the audience is whooping and cheering. Jacob comes out and announces_)

**Jacob**: Live from Washington State, it's the La Push Show! (_audience cheers as he takes his place at a desk that was placed on the stage. Jacob pulls out a notebook and says to the audience_) Today, we're going to be dealing with a little problem; namely the matter of the Leah/Sam/Emily triangle. It all started out when Leah Clearwater was supposed to marry Sam Uley but the idiot imprints on her cousin, Emily Young, isn't that sad, people? So anyway, I end up marrying her because, face it, people, Leah needed to be happy and I wasn't as sure as heck about to get my imprinted back anytime soon. So let's have them, Leah, Sam, and Emily! (_applause from audience. Leah, Sam, and Emily take their seats_.)

**Leah**: Jacob, what are you doing?

**Jacob**: We'll see. (_to Sam_) So Sammy, how's married life treating you?

**Sam**: Ok, if people didn't remind me constantly that I should have married Leah.

**Jacob**: Oh, the whole wedding thing, eh?

**Sam**: Yeah. Why'd you have to wreck it?

**Jacob**: Because you deserved it. You knocked Leah up and left her for her cousin!

**Emily**: Sam?

**Audience**: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!

**Leah**: It's true, that selfish asshole!

**Sam**: Leah?

**Leah**: Shut up, Sam! You're a fool who left me for Emily!

**Sam**: But I couldn't help it, Leah! It was that stupid imprint! Blame that! Not me!

**Emily**: Sam, watch it; you're going to make yourself sick.

**Sam**: Of course, Emily.

**Jacob**: So, how did you feel then, Leah?

**Leah**: Pissed off! I mean, what kind of guy imprints on his fiancee's cousin, then knocks her up?

**Seth**: (_in audience_) I know, I know! It's Sam!

**Jacob**: That means we get to play "**Your Cheating Heart**!" (_song plays_)

**Sam**: I'm not my father!

**Leah**: No, you're not. You're an idiot! So deal with it, you stupid son of a walrus-eating spider!

**Sam**: You're so mean, Leah! (_he starts crying_)

**Leah**: Do you want some cheese with that wine, Sammy?

**Emily**: Leave him alone, Leah! You have Jacob now, so don't go bothering us!

**Jacob**: Too bad, Em; you'll have to deal with Sam's love child for the next 18 years! Hah! (_audience laughs as Emily and Sam storm off the stage_)

**Leah**: Hah! Too bad for her! Anyway, let's have our next guest, Embry Call! (_Embry walks on to the stage_)

**Embry**: And why am I here?

**Jacob**: One of these 3 curtains reveals who your father is. Shall we reveal him?

**Audience**: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

**Jacob**: Very well then. And Embry's father is...(_Just then, Billy Black shows up_) Dad?! (_everyone gasps_) But why?

**Billy**: I knew it was time for for me to come clean. So yes, Embry, I am your father.

**Embry**: WHAT THE FLIP, FANFICTION WRITERS!!!!

**Leah**: Yeah. Most of them think you're Billy Black's love child. What the flip, fanfiction writers? What the flip? (_Paul shows up_)

**Paul**: And I have a surprise for you too, Jake!

**Jacob**: And why is HE here?

**Paul**: I want to be on your show.

**Jacob**: Not in this life, buddy! SECURITY!!! (_Two bouncers wearing cut-off jeans escort Paul from the stage_) So, let's see what Paul left us, eh? (_pulls back curtain and finds a Smart Car_) Awww that's so cool! Look everyone, we're having a Smart Car giveaway! (_audience cheers_) So all you have to do is answer this question...who are the Cullens?

**Leah**: You're bringing THEM into the show???

**Jacob**: Why not! And the winner is...

**Jacquel**: (_jumps out of the Smart Car_) ME!!! Now gimme my prize!

**Jacob**: Not on your life!

**Jacquel**: Ok, I'm going to reveal your OTHER parents then! Come on out, you two! (_Sirius Black and Remus Lupin come out_)

**Leah**: THEM???

**Embry**: But how?

**Jacquel**: Easy. Jacob's last name is Black, he's a werewolf, so that must mean he's the love child of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin!

**Leah**: And your stepbrother.

**Jacquel**: Yeah, and that too.

**Sirius**: And why are we here again?

**Jacquel**: To reunite you two with your son. Oh Jacob?

**Jacob**: Oh flip no! (_he runs off the stage and Sirius and Remus chase him_)

**Seth**: And that's all the time we have for the La Push Show! Tune in next week to when Jacob got caught in the bed with Rosalie and Emmett gets pissed! See you all later!

------

(_after the show goes off_)

**Seth**: We're gonna pay for this, aren't we?

**Embry**: Yeah.

* * *

So there you have it, folks! Sam's a whiny bitch, Embry's father has been revealed, and Jacob's secret is OUT!! I mean, after years of pairing Sirius and Remus together, we all came to believe that Jacob is their son. Who doesn't?

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	10. The Volturi Get Revenge

Just in time for Halloween, here's a scary moment with the Cullens!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 10: T**he Volturi Get Revenge**

_The Volturi don't let their humiliation at the beginning of the story slide so quietly. They are determined to get revenge._

_Here's how they got humiliated...again!_

************

_Here's what happened when they got humiliated the first time:_

_**Charlie**: (to the Volturi) Right, you scoundrels! Stop it! You are all under arrest for disturbing the peace of our town!_

_**Marcus**: You stupid cop, you can't arrest us! We're the Volturi, You son of a swollen marsupial-loving kangaroo! We're the greatest!_

_**Bella**: Yeah, great at being a jerk to many poor innocent vampires!_

_**Vladimir**: Not to mention that you overthrew the main vampire government in Transylvania! We haven't forgotten about that at all!_

_**Charlie**: Now come quietly, don't make me use force! (the police round up all the Volturi and take them away.)_

_**Aro**: You'll never get away with this! We have lawyers, and they'll tear you all apart! (He, Caius, and Marcus are put into a police car. Police cars drive away with all the Volturi in them.)_

---------

Here's what happened next:

**Aro**: I can't believe it! We've been made into a laughingstock in the vampire world thanks to those stupid cops!

**Caius**: Even Dracula himself had the nerve to mock us at that conference last week!

**Marcus**: Let's humiliate those Cullens! (_They sneak away and head for the Cullen house. Inside, everyone is watching a scary movie_)

**Carlisle**: No! NO! Don't go into that closet! (_a few seconds later, everyone is screaming their heads off_)

**Aro**: Perfect! WE give them the scare of a lifetime! (_The Volturi sneak into the house as everyone else is still watching the movie_)

**Jacquel**: I thought I heard someone come in. Oh well. (_They watch the movie. Aro steps on a squeaky nail. squeaky nail laughs_)

**Aro**: EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

**Esme**: What was that? (_Carlisle pauses the movie and everyone goes exploring_)

**Caius**: Aro, they're onto us!

**Marcus**: Now we can scare them all! (_just then, a tiny cat is seen_)

**Kitten**: (_meows_)

**Caius**: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! (_They knock each other over trying to escape from the kitten. Just then, Marcus finds his hand in red dye_)

**Marcus**: Is this blood?

**Jacquel**: (_in a scary voice_) Sneaking into my house? You are going to PAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!! (_the Volturi scream their heads off_)

**Aro**: No, please don't hurt us!

**Caius**: We're the Volturi!

**Marcus**: We're the greatest!

**Jacquel**: Is that so? Get them! (_The Cullens pounce on the Volturi and the Volturi scream their heads off. The lights flicker on_)

**Jacob**: (_holding video camera_) You're on **Prank-Up**, _La Push's Hidden Camera Prank Show_!

**Aro**: A prank show?

**Caius**: We've been pranked?

**Marcus**: But we're the Volturi!

**Jacob**: But now you guys got PRANKED!!! (_he and his friends leave_)

**Carlisle**: Well, guys, looks like we outsmarted you a second time, eh?

**Aro**: AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! We've been humiliated again, brothers!

**Caius**: This time, humans will see it and laugh at us!

**Marcus**: Let's go before they humiliate us a third time! (_they leave. Jacquel picks up the kitten_)

**Carlisle**: I knew it was a good idea to get a cat. Who knew such a tiny little animal would scare off the Volturi? And they thought half-breed children were bad!

**Jacquel**: Knowing them, They'll be back for more!

-------

(_in Volterra_)

(_everyone laughs at the scene of Aro, Caius, and Marcus being pranked on Prank-up. The three brothers were too humiliated to come out of their rooms for several weeks and their wives and the guards were no better; they too laughed whenever they saw the men_)

**Aro**: Carlisle, though we are friends, you are going to pay for this!

* * *

That's the Halloween episode of _**I Got Twilighted**_! Who knew the Volturi coupkd be a bunch of wimpy scaredy-cats, or even be scared of tiny little kittens? They will get revenge n the Cullens in the next chapter.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	11. Edward & Bella Have a Second Child

Here comes another Twi-fic from me!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 11: **Edward & Bella Have a Second Child**

_If you thought Renesmee was hard enough, wait until you meet the next Cullen baby_!

(_Carlisle comes home with a pill bottle and everyone is dying just to see what's inside_)

**Carlisle**: Ok, everyone, look what the Volturi sent us...candied blood!

**Jacquel**: How odd. This is what they could come up with?

**Carlisle**: It's a peace treaty. You know, after we humiliated them and everything. Let's eat up! (_everyone takes a pill of candied blood and they all eat_)

**Jasper**: Something's happening to me.

**Emmett**: Yeah. Me too. (_Just then, Jacquel makes a discovery_)

**Jacquel**: Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! We're all turning back into humans!!! (_pandemonium breaks out_) What's going on here? (_just then, their large-screen TV comes on. The Volturi show up on the screen_)

**Aro**: Hahahahahahahaha! How does it feel to be humiliated?

**Rosalie**: We don't like it!

**Caius**: Of course you don't like it! This is payback for the times you humiliated us!

**Alice**: Like how?

**Marcus**: You don't remember? First, you sent those cops after us, and then your shapeshifting friends humiliated us on an international scale, meaning that our dinner is mocking us, even as we eat them!

**Bella**: So? That's what you deserve!

**Caius**: We have another surprise for you...just you wait! (_screen cuts off_)

**Esme**: Now what?

**All**: What? (_they all stare at Carlisle_)

**Carlisle**: These pills have been coded to turn us into humans for the next few months. It may be two months or even a whole year. We don't know exactly yet.

**Rosalie**: I say let's be humans forever.

**Charlie**: (_showing up_) Don't tempt fate, Rosalie. It ill becomes you.

**Rosalie**: This is all your fault!

**Bella**: Rosalie, don't yell at my dad!

**Rosalie**: If it weren't for him, we wouldn't be in this situation, now would we?

**Billy**: (_shows up with Jacob_) What's this? The Volturi have humiliated you?

**Jacob**: How's about we send them an exploding cake.

**Charlie**: We will do no such thing, Jacob.

**Rosalie**: Now what do you say we do about this?

**Carlisle**: Like I said, this is only temporary. We'll go back to normal...soon.

(_a few weeks later. Jacuel has her head in the toilet and Bella is tugging back her hair_)

**Jacquel**: This is so unfair! Nobody told me I could have a baby! I thought I was done after having Delicia!

**Alice**: Apparently, you're not, since it is believed that you are expecting another child. And Bella. And Esme. And Rosalie.

**Bella**: And if you ask me, they're being such goofballs. Esme more than Rosalie.

**Jasper**: I don't blame her. After all, she did lose her first baby.

**Bella**: Even so, Rosalie doesn't have to flaunt it in my face.

**Alice**: I know! She's being so wrapped up in herself it makes me sick! (_just then, she starts throwing up_)

**Jacquel**: I guess either Alice is sick of Rosalie, or she's expecting as well. I can't tell which.

(_weeks later..._)

**Carlisle**: Everyone seems to be doing just fine...

**Esme**: Thank God!

**Carlisle**: Except for Jacquelyn. She appears to be 3 months pregnant.

**Jacquel**: I WHAT???

**Carlisle**: Apparently your pregnancy is accelerating at three times the length of a normal human pregnancy. That is quite odd.

**Jacquel**: Well, after all, I was born premature.

**Rosalie**: What exactly does that mean for her?

**Carlisle**: Two things: either she may not appear to be so human or it's just a rare coincidence. I'm leaning more on the former than the latter.

**Emmett**: You can't tell me Jacquel's some kind of hybrid, or is she?

**Jacquel**: My mother was a witch, that alone is enough to explain things, right?

**Alice**: Not how I see it. (Jacob shows up)

**Jacob**: So, how's life as _not_-leeches treating you? (_everyone glares at him_) What?

**Jacquel**: Don't make fun of us, Jake. Don't you have your own problems to deal with?

**Jacob**: Yeah! Leah's being a whiny bitch again!

**Rosalie**: That's what happens when you marry the girl your boss knocked up!

**Jacob**: And you wanna know how to humiliate a blond? Just put superglue in her hair! (_all but Emmett laugh_)

**Emmett**: Don't mess with my Rosie!

**Carlisle**: (_ignoring everything_) We're going to have to find your father, Jacquelyn. This is kind of weird.

**Esme**: Speaking of which, where's Edward and Bella?

*_at Charlie's house_*

**Bella**: Dad?

**Charlie**: Yes, Bella?

**Bella**: Edward and I have something to tell you.

**Charlie**: You didn't get sick again, did you?

**Edward**: Nothing like that. Bella and I are expecting our second child.

**Charlie**: WHAT????

_To be continued..._

* * *

Well, this isn't going to end well for anyone. Stay tuned, for the Volturi have another trick up their sleeves!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	12. Sometimes They Come Back

NaNoWriMo is sucking away all my energy, but I will continue to be bringing you Twilight fanfiction. Why? Because I must.

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 12: **Sometimes They Come Back**

_Surely all the characters in a book *CAN'T* be dead, right? Well, here's what happens when they come back to haunt the Cullens..._

**WARNING: THIS PART MAY CONTAIN SOME VERY UNNECESSARY VIOLENCE!!! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION!!! THANK YOU.**

**Aro**: (_watching the whole thing unfold_) Hahahahahahahah! Putting a video camera in that guy's house...that was genius, Caius!

**Caius**: I know!

**Marcus**: Let's find out how we can further humiliate the Cullens!

**Felix**: Are you telling me that they are your idea of reality TV comedy?

**Aro**: Why not? They humiliated me, I humiliate them back. It's self-defense.

**Alec**: Why not send some people in their past to torture them?

**Marcus**: Who do you have in mind?

*_at the Cullen house_*

**Carlisle**: Ok, who wants to watch a scary movie?

**Esme**: I don't think so, Carlisle.

**Carlisle**: Why not?

**Esme**: With all of us expecting children, why not go for something that's a little...safer?

**Jacquel**: Safer? But remember, safety killed me!

**Carlisle**: Of course. (_smiles at Esme. She blushes_)

**Emmett**: (_stares out the window_) Someone's coming to get us!

**James**: Oh Mary Alice?

**Rosalie**: _Mary_?

**Emmett**: _Mary_?

**Jacquel**: _Mary_?

**Alice**: Well, Mary Alice Brandon _had_ been my original name...(_yells at James_) What is it that you want?

**James**: Nothing more than to torment you, my dear!

**Jasper**: You better get away from my Alice before I put a bullet in your head, you yellow-bellied coward!

**Victoria**: Awww, how sad, Jasper! You're just a lowly human and we can turn you all over again!

**Rosalie**: You wouldn't dare!

**James**: We would! (_Just then, the Cullens knew they were no match for the vampires that were at their house_)

**Emmett**: It's just James and Victoria. We can take them. (_just then, Laurent crashes through a window_)

**Laurent**: HERE'S LAURENT!!!!

**Carlisle**: Quickly, everyone! To the panic room! (_they all go hide in the panic room_)

**Jacquel**: Now what do we do?

**Esme**: I don't know! If they're here, then there's no telling who might show up next! (_just then, they all hear an "ESME??? WHERE ARE YOU, YOU WORTHLESS WHORE???"_) Oh crap! It's Charles! He's here!

**Carlisle**: (_hugs Esme_) Esme, Charles is dead, remember? He's not going to hurt you.

**Emmett**: Uh, 5 seconds ago, she would have believed you. (_just then, a horrible roar is heard_) I hope that bear's ready for a rematch!

**Rosalie**: Emmett, don't even think about it!

**Alice**: Oh dear! I think Royce just showed up!

**All**: WHAT THE HECK??

**Jacquel**: And this time, he brought his friends! (_Royce yells out, "Oh Rosie, where are you?"_)

**Jasper**: I hope he plans to die! (_Maria is heard, saying, "And I hope you are as well, Jasper!"_)

**Carlisle**: That's it! It's time to call for help! (_Just then, Seth and Jacob crash inside the house_)

**Seth**: Hey, what are you people doing here?

**Jacob**: That Royce King is here! Let's get him!

**Seth**: Yeah! (_they phase and attack the group of people who wrongly invaded the Cullen house_)

**Carlisle**: (_kicks open the door and grabs Charles by his neck_) Who are you and what do you want with MY Esme?

**Emmett**: (_to the bear_) I may not be a vampire, but I can still kick your butt!

**Rosalie**: (_to Royce_) You guys are going to regret ever being born!

**Jasper**: (_to Maria_) You took my future away from me! A family I didn't even know I was having! You're going to pay for it all!

*_just then, all hell broke loose_*

(_Jacob and Seth chase Royce and his friends out the house, where they meet a bunch of other wolves, led by Sam_)

**Royce**: Run for it! They are way too many for us! (_they run until they smack into a police car_)

**Charlie**: Hah! Caught you, you rotten scoundrels! You're under arrest for breaking and entering the Cullen house. (_to other cops_) Get those people! (_cops round up James, Maria, and Victoria and take them away_)

**James**: You won't get away with this! We will stop you!

**Victoria**: Where's Laurent? (_Laurent attacks Jacquel_)

**Jacquel**: WHAT THE FLIP??? LAURENT, GET AWAY FROM ME!!! DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND???

**Laurent**: Perhaps. You taste delicious, like a piping hot apple pie on a cold winter's day.

**Jacquel**: Just get away from me before I zap you.

**Laurent**: You will do no such thing, my sweet one! (_pushes Jacquel against the wall and kisses her_)

**Jacob**: (_sees everthying_) Well, at least it's not that annoying Jace Wayland!

**Laurent**: Who?

**Jacob**: Nobody worth knowing. He's nothing more than a Great bastard child of a bleeding spider-hating centipede! He wants Jacquel all to himself!

**Jacquel**: And _you_ are...

**Jacob**: In dire need of a tune up here.

**Laurent**: I see. (_just then Bree shows up_)

**Bree**: Is it ok if I joined you guys?

**Carlisle**: Well, did they give you a choice in **_Eclipse_**?

**Sam**: They tore her to pieces. So that meant no.

**Carlisle**: We'll keep her around this time.

**Sam**: Of course. As long as she's a vegetarian like you guys.

**Carlisle**: Yeah, and that too. (_just then a scream is heard. then the sound of a garbage disposal is being run_) OH NO!!! ESME!!!!!! (_rushes into the kitchen and sees Esme standing over the sink_)

**Esme**: That's for making my human life a living hell, you sick monster! (_sees Carlisle_) Hi, Carlisle.

**Carlisle**: Esme! (_throws his arms around her and kisses her_) I thought something horrible had happened to you!

**Esme**: Well, that was something I should have done years ago. (_looks at the mess in the kitchen_) Oh, look at this place; it's a mess! I'll have to clean it up and perhaps get a whole new sink put in...(_Charlie shows up_)

**Charlie**: You stuck his head in a garbage disposal?

**Esme**: Well, he was an idiot, so he got what he deserved. Better warn people about the evils of domestic violence or else they'll get their heads stuck in a garbage disposal as well!

**Charlie**: Works for me. (_to cops_) Ok, boys, let's take them away! (_cops drive off with captured villains inside_)

**Carlisle**: On second thought, **_Shrek 3_** seems to be much better than what I wanted to see.

**Jacob**: Of course. What we went through today makes **_Friday the 13th_** look pretty tame by today's standards.

**Esme**: I'll get the snacks ready. (_and as everyone gets ready to watch the movie, Edward shows up and sees a dead bear on his broken piano_)

**Edward**: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! MY PIANO!!!! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT, EMMETT!!!!

**Emmett**: Sorry, Ed, but it was all I could do to get rid of that bear. He'll be feeding worms by morning.

**Edward**: I'm staying at Charlie's place until that bear is gone and I get a new piano! (_storms ou_t)

**Aro**: (_watching the whole thing_) Dammit, dammit, dammit!

**Caius**: What?

**Aro**: It's that stupid cop again! He's putting a cramp in our style!

**Demetri**: Well, let's just kill him and be done with it!

**Marcus**: I don't think so. His daughter would kill us.

**Felix**: Let's turn him!

**Aro**: And keep getting busted for always and eternity? Forget it!

**Alec**: What do we do now?

**Aro**: We better try another tactic. So far, none of our tricks are working for them.

**Jane**: And Esme just stuck her ex-husband's head in a garbage disposal!

**Aro**: Ok...we can work with that!

**Marcus**: Like how? Bringing back more people from their past?

**Caius**: Exactly.

*_meanwhile, Carlisle's aging father shows up_*

**Roger**: What in God's name is this mess? (_sees his old cross_) Oh, my old cross! But why? (_just then Carlisle sees him_)

**Carlisle**: Father?

**Roger**: Hello, Carlisle. (_Carlisle faints_) Carlisle?

_To be continued..._

* * *

More shall arrive...let's see what happens when Carlisle's father finds out his son lived as a vampire (and still is one).

Here's how the Cullens becamse vampires:

Alice: bitten by another vampire to protect her from James.

Emmett: mauled by a bear.

Jasper: bitten by Maria.

Esme: fled from her abusive husband and then plunged off a cliff after her son's death.

Rosalie: attacked by Royce.

Carlisle: bitten during a raid.

One vampire who was left out: Edward, who died of the flu.

Mention: Jacquel, who had been killed in a car accident on her 16th birthday.

Also, Laurent will have to deal with Jace Wayland. Let's see if Jace can taunt him as well.

NEVER stick anyone's head in the garbage disposal, no matter who they are!

* * *

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **_I Got Twilighted_**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http://igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	13. Stupid, Stupid Volturi!

NaNoWriMo is stealing all my creativity, but I will continue to be bringing you Twilight fanfiction. Why? Because _New Moon_ is out in theaters!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Twi-Fun Fics #1: **Stupid, Stupid Volturi!**

Since_ New Moon_ the movie is in theaters today (_I saw it, I loved it!_) I figure I'd do a couple of _Twilight_-related fics just to show how much I love the _Twilight _series. So, here we go!

_The Volturi attempt to get revenge...again!_

**Aro**: I'm getting sick and tired of being humiliated every time we get revenge on the Cullens!

**Caius**: I know! It's all that stupid cop's fault!

**Marcus**: Let's get _him_ instead!

**Aro**: I agree.

(_they sneak over to Charlie's house. But alas, Renesmee is there_)

**Renesmee**: Why are you here?

**Caius**: To get revenge on your grandpa.

**Renesmee**: What did grandpa do?

**Marcus**: He humiliated us!

**Aro**: We keep getting busted by him!

**Charlie**: (_shows up_) And I bust you a third time!

**Aro**: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Brothers, that guy doesn't know when to quit!

**Charlie**: Of course. I'm a cop.

**Marcus**: Let's depart before we get humiliated by those wolves! Again! (_they all run away. Jacob sees them)_

**Jacob**: Hah! You've seen it here, folks! The Volturi are nothing more than a bunch of idiots who don't know when to quit! (_sees bag_) What's this? Well, I have something new for you guys to see...and it's got THEM in it! Hah! (_Renesmee approaches him_)

**Renesmee**: Jacob, I forbid you to ever go near my grandpa's house!

**Jacob**: What'd I do?

**Renesmee**: You know what you did, Jacob Black! Now back off, or I'll tear your face off!

**Jacob**: Why?

**Renesmee**: I mean it, Jacob. Nahuel is my man now. You have no place in my life. Now go away. (_she slams the front door. Jacob begins crying_)

**Jacob**: Why me? What have I done to get such abuse? (_Seth sees him_)

**Seth**: Well, why don't you give Ren a peace offering?

**Jacob**: Like what?

**Seth**: I don't know...like, something that girls like.

**Jacob**: Oh hell no! NOT Miley Cyrus! That girl is a slut!

**Seth**: Did I say Miley? Oooops! I meant Candy Cane, the pop singer.

**Jacob**: Uh, Seth. Ren's too young for Candy.

**Seth**: Then who? (_sees the bag Jacob is holding_) What's that you're holding?

**Jacob**: You'll see.

(_later on_)

**Charlie**: Well, those Volturi guys decided to show up today.

**Edward**: WHAT??? I'm going to rip them apart!

**Charlie**: Well, I sort of scared them off. They won't be coming this way for a long time. (_just then, a rather silly video is played on TV_)

**Jacob**: (_on TV_) Ladies and gentlemen, check out what I've dug up on the so-called Volturi! (_video plays_)

**Bella**: What is he up to now?

(_in the video_)

**Aro**: (_dressed as a butterfly_) I'm a pretty butterfly!

**Caius**: (_dressed as a flower_) I'm a pretty flower!

**Aro & Caius**: Let us dance and sing all day!!! (_they sing and dance_)

(_everyone starts laughing_)

**Jacob**: Not funny enough, you say? I have more...

(_in the video_)

**Aro**: (_in an unnaturally high-pitched voice_) Oh, Carlisle! You're so gorgeous! I love how you dress! You're just what I've been looking for!

**Carlisle**: (_much younger_) What are you talking about?

**Aro**: Carlisle, I think I'm gay for you!

**Carlisle**: You're kidding, right?

**Aro**: No! (_pounces on Carlisle and kisses him_)

(_at the Cullen house_)

**Esme**: Carlisle?

**Carlisle**: Don't ask me.

**Esme**: Why not?

**Carlisle**: Worst. Moment. Ever.

**Roger**: What is this?

**Emmett**: Dude, was Aro gay?

**Jacquel**: Yes.

**Carlisle**: The worst moment in my life. That's why I packed my bags and left for America.

**Roger**: But why?

**Carlisle**: Because Aro stood for things I didn't like. Like drinking human blood and stuff like that.

**Laurent**: So he's gay?

**Roger**: What is this _gay_ you children speak of?

**Jacquel**: Gay is when a guy likes a guy the way a guy likes a girl.

**Roger**: Well, I rather not know that.

**Carlisle**: It took me nearly 200 years to get over that.

**Esme**: I see.

(_in Volterra_)

**Jane**: You were gay for Carlisle?

**Demetri**: Dude, I thought you were better than that!

**Aro**: Of course I was! But then he had to take off for America and break my heart.

**Felix**: And persist in his rather odd lifestyle.

**Aro**: Yeah, and that too.

**Alec**: So how exactly is this showing up on TV?

**Aro, Caius, & Marcus**: WOLVES!!!!!!

**Jacob**: (_on TV_) Well, that's all we have for you tonight, but don't worry, We've got plenty of videos of the Volturi doing humiliating stuff, so tune in! (t_o Seth_) That was great!

**Seth**: I agree. I hope those Volturi jerks are crying like babies!

(_in Volterra_)

**Aro, Caius, & Marcus**: We have been humiliated by those stupid shapeshifters! What will it take to get them to stop humiliating us?

(_at the Cullen house_)

**Carlisle**: (_crying_) I can't believe it! Why on earth would someone want to release my worst memory?

**Esme**: Don't be too upset, Carlisle. I'm sure it was a clever mistake.

**Carlisle**: Now what will my father think of me?

(_in La Push_)

**Sam**: Well, this is quite entertaining. I'll never look at Dr. Cullen the same way again!

**Quil**: I don't think Dr. Cullen is gay.

**Embry**: I agree. I had no idea that it was the other guy. Man, everyone seems to like him and stuff like that!

**Seth**: Well, we have more videos humiliating the Volturi.

**Brady**: Dude, are you suggesting that those leeches are our personal punching bag?

**Jared**: Well, we can't get at the Cullens, so of course we'll go after the other guys! Remember what that one guy said to us in Breaking Dawn?

**Jacob**: Of course. We'll poke fun at them until they concede!

(_in Volterra_)

**Aro**: Carlisle Cullen, you WILL be mine! And those wolves will be punished for humiliating me! No one humiliates Aro Volterra and lives!

_To be continued..._

* * *

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

A poll about this story is in my profile.

* * *

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **_I Got Twilighted_**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http://igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	14. Jacquel's a Vampire

NaNoWriMo is stealing all my creativity, but I will continue to be bringing you Twilight fanfiction. Why? Because _New Moon_ is out in theaters!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Twi-Fun Fics #2: **Jacquel's a Vampire****!**

Since_ New Moon_ the movie is in theaters today (_I saw it, I loved it!_) I figure I'd do a couple of _Twilight_-related fics just to show how much I love the _Twilight _series. So, here we go!

_Jacquel sings about how she turns into a vampire  
_

**Jacquel: Well, here's a story I'd like to tell about how my life turned upside down; so you all need to sit your butts down and learn all about how I became a vampire. (Emmett is on the drums and Edward is on the piano)  
**

**Emmett: Fresh Prince spoof?  
**

**Jacquel: You know it.**

**Emmett: All right, let's do this shit!**

**Jacquel: In Liverpool England, I was born and raised, with the Cullens I spend most of my childhood days, we were living our lives so good and I was hanging out with my crew on the playground, when a stupid old man who was up to no good started causing trouble for me and the fam, I got into a nasty old fight because I knew deep down inside my grandpa wasn't a monster. So after one particularly bad incident, I got sick and tired of stupid wizards, so I went down to boring old Forks and tried to find the Cullens. So I got into a sick old car with some teenagers who were running away from home, I got into one little accident and I was found almost and or partially halfway dead. The old man who found me got real scared and he said to me, "That's it, Missy, I'm sending you straight to Carlisle Cullen." So what did I do next? Meet the wolves of La Push of course, and 99% of them all started hitting on me. They walked with me up that front door, Carlisle saw me and he flipped out. The rest of them were so shocked that only Edward could say to the wolves, "We're eternally grateful to you for bringing her back." So that's the story as you can see and there's one more thing I can say, "Once you get Twilighted, you can NEVER go back!"**

**Carlisle: Really?**

**Jacquel: Of course. Now, I get the Twilight thing. So I'm not going back ever!**

(in England, where a much older Harry Potter is crying as he watches Jacquel on the La Push Show)

**Harry: Where did I go wrong????**

_To be continued..._

* * *

Parts of the song were based on "_Something Wicked This Way Comes_"; but the other part had to happen somehow.

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

A poll about this story is in my profile.

* * *

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **_I Got Twilighted_**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http://igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	15. More Twifics Please!

NaNoWriMo is stealing all my creativity, but I will continue to be bringing you Twilight fanfiction. Why? Because _New Moon_ is out in theaters!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Twi-Fun Fics #3: **More Twi-fics Please****!**

Since_ New Moon_ the movie is in theaters today (_I saw it, I loved it!_) I figure I'd do a couple of _Twilight_-related fics just to show how much I love the _Twilight _series. So, here we go!

Warning: Spoilers for _Something Wicked This Way Comes_!!!

_Cullens beg Jacquel to write more Twilight fanfiction  
_

**Jacquel**: Hey guys, wassup?

**Carlisle**: Uh, we have a question for you.

**Jacquel**: Like what?

**Emmett**: How come you have a crapload of Harry Potter fanfics and not enough Twilight fics?

**Jacquel**: What are you talking about? I'm still writing that _Something Wicked This Way Comes_ story, I'm just about to put in the sex scene.

**Seth**: You're doing a sex scene?

**Jacquel**: Well, yeah.

**Laurent**: Why am I being cast as the bad guy?

**Jacob**: You're just jealous because we ganged up on you in _New Moon._

**Jacquel**: That's enough, guys. Laurent has the to be the only decent member of the group. But sadly, though, it's gonna be bad boy James who sets my not-beating heart aflame.

**Bella**: Darn. I was hoping it was going to be one of those other guys.

**Carlisle**: Well, when are you planning to write some more Twilight fics?

**Jacquel**: As soon as a good idea hits me.

**Jacob**: I know! I know! Write a fic about how Carlisle is a bad boy cheater who cheats with a good girl, uh, like you.

**Rosalie**: You're evil!

**Jacob**: Shut up, bitchy-leech!

**Rosalie**: Why don't you?

**Jacquel**: Well, don't worry; I've gotten the next part of the _La Push Show_ lined up. They actually sleep together.

**Laurent**: Well, that's interesting.

**Emmett**: What did you say???

**Jacquel**: All right, all right, all right! i promise to give Twilight fanfiction the same respect as I do for Harry Potter fanfiction and Charlie bone fanfiction. Happy now?

**Carlisle**: Yes. So, what did you have in mind?

**Jacquel**: _Dumblight_, a silly tale of a girl named Becca Raven who meets a vampire named Evan Calvert, a Vampire who just is way into her. Enter Jesse Bower, the ultra-jealous Werewolf, and you've got one heck of a dummy spoof!

**Emmett**: You do dummy spoofs?

**Jacquel**: Yup. That's when I take a story and ultimately spoof it up. Try it, it's so much fun.

**Bella**: Yeah, but what about your other vampire story? The one about Hollie and Howard?

**Jacquel**: Oh yeah! I'll make Hollie out to be sucky and I think you're better than her.

**Emmett**: No, your other other vampire story, which went like this:_ Jacquel was nothing more than an empty-headed girl who met a very famous vampire and fell for him. Their story was so not __**Twilight**__ because Jacquel isn't Bella and Vlad isn't Edward. And the guy who would have been Jacquel's Jacob is a jerk named Garrett Hendrick__s. *_**_SIGH_**_* At least it's better than stupid HSM_. That story.

**Jacquel**: Oh yeah! I almost forgot that one. Well, I'mma write that up so that it's indeed so not _Twilight_ and no, I'm not Bella and my vampire is NOT Edward.

**Bella**: Of course.

**Carlisle**: Now can you do some Twilight fanfiction?

**Jacquel**: Oh heck yes I will! (_everyone cheers_)

_To be continued..._

* * *

Thanks to _Twilight_, I'll be writing some vampire stories. And yes, I really am doing a spoof of _Twilight_ called _Dumblight_.

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

A poll about this story is in my profile.

* * *

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **_I Got Twilighted_**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http://igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	16. Aro Gets His RevengeSort of!

Here we go folks, more Twi-fun fics from me!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 13: **Aro Gets His Revenge...Sort of!**

_Aro tries to take back Carlisle, but Esme won't let him._

**Aro**: Well, boys, I'm gonna be taking Carlisle back now.

**Caius**: Uh, you must be kidding.

**Marcus**: Like that wife of his is going to let you have him.

**Aro**: Oh, she better if she knows what's good for her.

****_meanwhile in Forks_****

**Carlisle**: I'm going to rip that Aro to shreds! He ruined my life!

**Esme**: You're overreacting, Carlisle. Why?

**Carlisle**: Well, first off, Aro is an idiot, and second, he's humiliated me long enough. I want to hurt him back.

**Jacob**: Well, want us to prank him?

**Laurent**: You've done enough damage, Jacob. It's time for Carlisle to get him by himself.

**Jacquel**: And speaking of which, here he comes! (_Aro shows up_)

**Aro**: All right, everyone! This is Aro Volturi and I order you to hand over Carlisle Cullen or someone's going to be hurt!

**Carlisle**: What makes you think I'm going to surrender peacefully?

**Aro**: Because there's no cops around to stop me and besides, I'm lonely. Looks at me, Carlisle. Don't you want to go back to Volterra? Don't you love me?

**Carlisle**: No! And I only love Esme!

**Roger**: Hah! Away from my son, you demon! You will NOT be taking him!

**Esme**: Leave my Carlisle alone!

**Aro**: No! He's mine! Now hand him over and I'll burn this place to the ground!

**Jane**: What Aro means to say is that you will hand over Carlisle Cullen _or_ he'll burn your house to the ground.

**Jacquel**: Well, which is it? Make up your mind already, people!

**Laurent**: He is so full of lust he can't think straight.

**Jacquel**: Oh, and _you_ are...(_Charlie shows up_)

**Charlie**: About to intervene here.

**Aro**: What??? Why are you here???

**Charlie**: Because this is my territory, and you can't just barge in like that. What is it that you want?

**Aro**: Carlisle Cullen.

**Esme**: No! Don't let him take Carlisle!

**Roger**: Yeah, what she said!

**Jacquel**: Well, should everyone tell their story first? We'll decide who gets to have Carlisle.

**Charlie**: Very well then. We'll start with Aro.

**Aro**: Well, Carlisle first came to us some time after he was bitten. He stayed with us for a while, and then left for America.

**Roger**: I'm Carlisle's father.

**Esme**: And I'm his wife.

**Charlie**: Well, I think we shall have a vote. All in favor of sending Carlisle back with Aro?

**Wolves**: NO!!!

**Charlie**: All in favor of letting Carlisle stay with his father?

**Wolves**: No!!!

**Charlie**: All in favor of letting Carlisle stay with Esme?

**Wolves**: No!!!

**Charlie**: What is it do you want?

**Carlisle**: What do you people, I mean _wolves_, want?

**Sam**: We got an unexpected 4th choice.

**Esme**: And that is...

**Roger**: It better be good!

**Aro**: It better say "_Carlisle and Aro should be together and Roger and Esme should just shut up_"!

**Sam**: Even better.

**All**: WHAT???

**Sam**: The vote is "_Aro, Roger, and Esme are all acting dumb, so we think Carlisle belogns with Jacquel_."

**Jacquel**: What the hell? You guys want ME with CARLISLE??? He's practically my father!

**Paul**: I thought he adopted you.

**Jacquel**: Yeah, and that too.

**Charlie**: Well, I don't like that vote. Please revote again.

**Jacob**: No way! And besides, if Jacquel and Carlisle hook up, we can get rid of that annoying Jace Wayland for good!

**Edward**: I agree.

**Carlisle**: No! I canNOT accept this! Come, Esme, let's leave them all behind. (_They run to their bedroom and make out_.)

**Aro**: (_crying_) You broke my heart, Carlisle Cullen! You're going to pay for this!

**Jacquel**: Well, at least he's not with you, You Spitting Glorious bastard son of a child of a Grayling! (_Aro continues crying_) This isn't going to end well...

_To be continued..._

* * *

Thanks to _Twilight_, I'll be writing some vampire stories. And yes, I really am doing a spoof of _Twilight_ called _Dumblight_. Look for it to arrive, and also the _Deathly Twilight_ story as well.

Well, don't feel too bad for Carlisle; he and Esme will remain together...if a bunch of wolves don't do anything stupid first!!!

A poll about this story is in my profile. Vote on your favorite part of the story. This poll will close on December 16, 2009.

* * *

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **_I Got Twilighted_**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http://igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	17. Dear Jacqueline

Today, I give you another Twi-fun fic! Enjoy!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 14: **Dear Jacqueline...**

_Ok, here's what the Cullens plan to do for my birthday..._

**Carlisle**: Well, it's her birthday and we'll have to write a song for her.

**Emmett**: Let's do the RickRoll'd!

**Edward**: No, Emmett, we're not doing the "_RickRoll'd_". We're doing something else.

**Emmett**: Like what?

**Jacob**: Well, there's a song called _Jacqueline_. We can perform that for Jacquel.

**Jasper**: No, Jacob. That song has been claimed by Franz Ferdinand.

**Emmett**: You mean a band?

**Jasper**: Yes.

**Carlisle**: What do we do now?

**Jacob**: Write Jacquel a song.

**Edward**: But what do we say about her? All we know is that she was born of a witch and a werewolf and since then, nothing for her has gone right.

**Jacob**: But what about her real life?

**Emmett**: Jacquel did say her real life sucked.

**Carlisle**: Well, boys, let's get to it! She's got her birthday in less than 24 hours, so let's give her a song that she'll never forget!

****_a few days later at Jacquel's birthday party_****

**Jacquel**: Well, I can't believe you actually wrote a song about me!

**Carlisle**: We did. Do you want to hear it?

**Laurent**: I'm sure it'll be about how she smells like a freshly baked gingerbread cookie...

**Jacquel**: Shut up, Laurent!

**Emmett**: All right, boys, let's do this shit! (_he jumps onto the drums. Jasper gets his bass guitar. Carlisle and Edward also grab their guitars_)

**Bree**: Must he always say that?

**Jacquel**: Well, it's what he says to get us all playing. (_song begins_)

**Carlisle**: (_singing_) _Jacquel was little more than a woman, she had to break a hole in the land, her mother brought her into a world that did not want her; they tried to break her, but it didn't even make a dent in her spirit. But she's going out into the world and she is going to tear it down_...(_music begins_)

**Edward & Jacob**: (_singing_) _She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her._

**Carlisle**: (_singing_) _But I was the only one who knew how to rein her in, but instead of that, she grabbed my heart by the horns. I know it's very true, she's been here since '82, back when no one knew what magic was and Michael Jackson ruled on MTV..._

**Edward & Jacob**: (_singing_) _She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her._

**Carlisle**: (_singing_) _She grew up in a weird age, where you could do what you wanted, but soon she became a teenager, and broke free from her wicked bonds..._

Edward & Jacob: (singing) She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her.

**Carlisle**: (_singing_) _But in a blink of an eye, this teen rebel became an adult, coming of age in a world of escapism, but instead she took the long path just to get to us..._

Edward & Jacob: (singing) She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her.

**Carlisle**: (_singing_) _Jacquel made that god-awful fatal mistake of choosing a wizard over us, but when he broke her fragile heart, I was there to put it back together..._

Edward & Jacob: (singing) She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her.

**Carlisle**: (_singing_) _Jacquel made that god-awful fatal mistake of choosing a wizard over us, but when he broke her fragile heart, I was there to put it back together..._

Edward & Jacob: (singing) She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her.

**Carlisle, Edward, & Jacob**: (_singing_) _Jacquel has now returned to us, she's back where she belongs. But still that's nothing compared to what lies for her ahead...I know it's very true, she's been here since '82, back when no one knew what magic was and Michael Jackson ruled on MTV. She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her. She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her. She's going to tear the world apart, tear the whole wide world apart; she will be showing no mercy to those who tormented her_. (_song ends. applause_)

**Jacquel: I don't believe it! *THAT's* **what you wrote about me???

**Carlisle**: Of course, Jacquel. Who else but a vampire can know your whole life story?

**Emmett**: You do realize now that everyone and their mother will be writing tons of Jacquel/Carlisle fanfiction. Yeah, like the ones where you and Carlisle are together...

**Esme**: Emmett, I hope you're kidding!

**Carlisle**: Well, what about Aro?

**Bree**: He's a creepy jerk.

**Jacob**: You forgot gay!

**Jacquel**: Well, if anyone dares to write a Jacquel/Carlisle fanfiction story, I'll kill them! And Jacob, don't you dare try anything like that on that La Push show of yours!

Well, so there you all have it!

_To be continued..._

* * *

Here you go; a chapter about my birthday, which is TODAY!!! Well, I'mma celebrate and get back to you later.

Also, beware of wolves writing Jacquel/Carlisle stories! Carlisle and Esme belong together!!!

A poll about this story is in my profile. Vote on your favorite part of the story. This poll will close on December 16, 2009.

* * *

The party continues on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **_I Got Twilighted_**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http://igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	18. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 1

And now I begin the _12 Days of Twilight_, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

**Day 1**

**Carlisle**: Ok, so the holidays are here. Who wants to get a tree?

**Jacquel**: Not this time, Carlisle. I'll fix up the place in like 5 seconds. (_waves her wand and suddenly, the whole house is a Winter Wonderland._)

** Emmett**: Whoa, what'd you do to the place?

**Jacquel**: I made it look like snow, since it never snows here.

**Emmett**: Why do we need snow?

**Jacquel**: Why, it wouldn't be Christmas without snow. (_walks to the Christmas tree_)

**Jasper**: Ready for the star?

**Jacquel**: You bet! (_But when she puts the star on the tree, the tree topples over, just like it happened to Beyonce in **Punk'd**_)

**Carlisle**: Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! Who did this??? (_just then, Jacob jumps out_)

**Jacob**: You're on _Prank-Up_, which now does Christmas themed PRANKS!

**Esme**: So that explains the botched up nativity scene, where the characters have all been replaced by _High School __Musical_ characters.

**Roger**: What's _High School Musical_?

**Carlisle**: I'll explain later.

_On the first day of Christmas, this happened to me...I got pranked by Jacob Black!_

* * *

Well, we'll have more tomorrow!


	19. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 2

And now I begin the _12 Days of Twilight_, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

****

Day 2

**Charlie**: I'm dreading those holiday parties.

**Billy**: Well, why not have one yourself?

**Charlie**: Yeah, and who would come, besides you, that is?

**Billy**: Why don't we invite the Cullens?

**Charlie**: Yeah, let's.

****_at Charlie's party_****

**Carlisle**: Now, remind me again why you invited us here?

**Billy**: Because Charlie isn't a huge fan of holiday parties and besides, Christmas hasn't been the same since Harry died last year.

**Esme**: And Harry?

**Charlie**: Would make us the best-tasting fish stew this side of Forks. But no longer.

**Sam**: What a depressing party.

**Brady**: Hey, let's shake things up by having a dance contest!

**Sam**: No way! Not since Donnie and Jeff broke my family vase at Emily's party.

**Donnie**: We were breakdancing!

**Sam**: That's why I said no dancing! (_just then, Aro & Caius show up_)

**Aro**: Oh, what's this? A holiday party?

**Caius**: Oh yes it is, Aro! Let us mingle with the guests!

**Seth**: Hey, look, guys, it's the stupid Volturi! Let's all make fun of them! (_Wolves laugh_)

**Caius**: You stupid shapeshifters are so mean!

**Donnie**: You like all the silly stuff, so we's be making fun of yo' ass!

**Caius**: And I've been turning your grandfather's grandfather's grandfathers into fur coats!

**Jacob**: Like that's gonna scare us. Our grandfather's grandfather's grandfathers have been tearing up your kind for the last 10,000 years!

**Caius**: Indeed!

**Carlisle**: Aro? Caius? What the hell are you two doing here?

**Aro**: Oh, Carlisle, I missed you! I've been ever so miserable without you! Please return to us and be by our side once again!

**Carlisle**: And what if I say no?

**Aro**: Then, I'll have to force you! (_forces Carlisle under the mistletoe and kisses him. Esme gets mad and slaps him_)

**Esme**: Get your hands off him, you rotten no-good Unholy bastard son of a reptile-hating Aberdevine!

**Carlisle**: Esme?

**Esme**: Yeah. He's mine! Go make out with some random slut and leave Carlisle alone! (_takes Carlisle and storms off. everyone stares at Aro_)

**Aro**: All I wanted was for Carlisle to love me! Why is everyone so mean to me? (_bursts into tears_)

_On the second day of Christmas, this happened to me...2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

**

* * *

**

Well, we'll have more tomorrow!


	20. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 3

And now I begin the _12 Days of Twilight_, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

**Day 3**

**Jacquel**: Ok, guys! I've gotten the first 5 chapters of the _Crystal Jade_ up on FictionPress.

**Cullens**: Yay!

**Jacob**: Whatever.

**Bella**: Jacob???

**Edward**: Bella, no stress allowed. Remember what Carlisle said about stress.

**Carlisle**: Ok, Jacquel. You have 2 stories up now. That magic story and your vampire story.

**Jacquel**: Not to worry, I'm thinking of a good 3rd story to put up.

**Emmett**: What about your Cosplay story?

**Jacquel**: That was for NaNoWriMo. And I'm still trying to finish it up.

**Rosalie**: So, what did you have in mind?

**Alice**: I know what she'll be writing next.

**All**: What is it?

**Alice**: She'll be writing a story called The _Rose of the Illusion_, in which a character named Noelle Hall will read someone's diary, but the action turns into something else. During the story, a character named Beth Magee is killed. The story has a rose in it. The story takes place a century in the past. During the story, a relative of the dead character shows up. The story ends with a birth.

**Jacquel**: Uuuuugggghhhhh! Way to go, Alice! You practically ruined my plans!

**Alice**: Why not? I can foresee you writing that story.

**Jacquel**: But I'm not writing that story.

**All**: You're not?

**Jacquel**: No. In fact, I'm writing a story called _The Sacred Ruby_, in which an orphaned boy named Thomas Christian, who was raised by outlaws, rescues a princess named Rachel Paprika Mauve of Whitford East Sussex from the clutches of Marvin The Weird Mystic, but this messed-up fairy tale is not what it appears to be.

**Carlisle**: Well, good for you, Jacquelyn. But still...

**Jacquel**: I know, I know, I'll get to _Dumblight_...soon!

**All**: Yay!

_On the third day of Christmas, this happened to me...3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

**

* * *

**

Well, we'll have more tomorrow!

And also, I am now writing _The Crystal Jade_, _The Secret Library Guardians_, and _Dumblight_. So there's the truth behind the story.


	21. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 4

And now I begin the _12 Days of Twilight_, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

****

Day 4

**Carlisle**: I hate those dreadful words "_home for the holidays_."

**Esme**: Like people don't have homes to go to.

**Jacquel**: Well, I do have one wish to make.

**Carlisle**: And that is...

**Jacquel**: I kind of would like to have a real family holiday.

**Jacob**: But aren't the Cullens enough?

**Carlisle**: What Jacquelyn means to say is that she misses her real family and her mother is dead.

**Jasper**: I say we go out there and try to locate any possible living relatives of our dearly beloved Cullen.

****within a few hours****

**Charlie**: Well, I have turned the city upside down and there's no one with the name Romanov or Ulrich, save for her, of course. (_Jacquel looks sad_)

**Esme**: Don't worry, Jacquel. I'm sure someone will turn up soon. (_Just then, Emmett and Rosalie show up with 4 others._)

**Emmett**: We found them asking for Carlisle. Aro paid them to send a message to Carlisle.

**Carlisle**: And the message is...

**Rosalie**: Aro said, "_Hey let's be a gay couple and adopt Jacquelyn and these four here._"

**Carlisle**: Well, you can tell that stupid bastard that there is no way in hell I'm ever going to be with him!!

**Charlie**: Should I slap him with a restraining order?

**Aro**: No amount of restraining order is going to stop me from getting my Carlisle back!

**Roger**: I thought I told you stupid demon to stay away from my son!

**Aro**: You never loved him!

**Roger**: I'm his father! I'm supposed to defend him from evil creatures like you!

**Aro**: Your son is a vampire!

**Roger**: He's still my son! What makes you think you can just pluck him away from his loving family and have him all to yourself?

**Jacob**: SHUT UP!!! (_everyone stares at him_)

**Rosalie**: What's wrong, wolfie? Did a vampire steal your tongue?

**Jacob**: No. But check this out! (_everyone gasps as they witness a tearful reunion between Jacquel, Sameth, Saphira, Casper, and Solaris_)

_On the fourth day of Christmas, this happened to me...4 long-lost siblings, 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

**

* * *

**

Well, we'll have more tomorrow!


	22. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 5

And now I begin the _12 Days of Twilight_, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

**Day 5**

**Edward**: I'm not looking forward to them coming.

**Bella**: Who? Tanya?

**Edward**: You know it. That bitch is always trying to mess with me.

**Charlie**: Want me to get her a restraining order?

**Edward**: I don't think it'll work on her.

**Charlie**: You can always just...threaten to have her arrested.

**Bella**: I think she wouldn't care.

**Edward**: Anyway, I think it's best that we leave now.

****_at the Cullen house_****

**Carlisle**: Well, this is odd.

**Esme**: What?

**Carlisle**: This is our first Christmas as semi-humans.

**Jacquel**: Yeah. Weird, huh?

**Cullens**: Yeah. (_just then, Edward, Bella, and Renesmee show up_)

**Edward**: Did we miss anything?

**Emmett**: Nope. But they'll be here soon.

**Charlie**: I'm just here to make sure that nothing gets out of hand.

**Carlisle**: And why would things get out of hand? (_just then, Eleazar, Carmen, Tanya, Kate, and Garrett show up_)

**Eleazar**: Hi, everyone! Wow! The place looks great!

**Esme**: Thank you.

**Carmen**: Well, we all heard about your troubles with the Volturi...

**Jasper**: They'll get what's coming to them, those dirty yellow-bellied cowards!

**Tanya**: Hello, Edward.

**Edward**: Stay away from me, Tanya.

**Tanya**: I was only going to congradulate you on your upcoming second child.

**Edward**: I know you're thinking about stealing me away from Bella and Renesmee. I'm telling you, don't even try.

**Tanya**: Why? Because that little frumpy girl will shield you? I laugh at her shield!

**Charlie**: You shouldn't be laughing.

**Tanya**: And who is he?

**Edward**: My father-in-law. He's here to make sure that you behave yourself.

**Kate**: Isn't he that cop who busted the Volturi?

**Edward**: Yes.

**Charlie**: I'm watching you. You better be respectable towards my son-in-law.

**Tanya**: Yeah yeah.

**Bella**: And if you hurt my father in any way, I won't hestiate to tear you into pieces.

**Tanya**: Ok, ok I get it! I get it! Why does everyone think I'm a whore who's out to steal Edward? (_Edward glares at her_) Oh yeah!

_On the fifth day of Christmas, this happened to me...5 Denali's! 4 long-lost siblings- 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

* * *

Well, we'll have more tomorrow!


	23. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 6

And now I begin the _12 Days of Twilight_, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

**Day 6**

**Carlisle**: Ok, so now that we're all here, let's all get ready to have some fun.

**Rosalie**: Like how?

**Emmett**: Wanna sneak under the mistletoe and...you know...

**Carlisle**: No sneaking under the mistletoe, you two! We're going to play baseball!

**Edward**: Yeah, but we have one problem.

**All**: What?

**Edward**: The wolves kind of messed up the field.

**Carlisle**: WHAT????

****_a few hours before_****

**Donnie**: And this is where they play baseball.

**Nick**: What?

**Jeff**: Yeah. Theys kind of weird.

**Jacob**: Uh, ok. Let's be careful. Dr. Leech doesn't like it if we mess up his playing field.

**Sam**: And what are you doing here?

**Jeff**: Uh, we were just showing the new recruits where the leeches like to play baseball.

**Sam**: Indeed.

**Ross**: What? Vampires play baseball?

**Jacob**: Only the Cullens.

**Nick**: I don't like it. Let's mess up the field.

**Sam**: Ok. (_They then proceed to mess up the baseball field_)

****a few hours later****

**Carlisle**: How about we have the ultimate Battle of the sexes. Girls vs. Guys.

**Rosalie**: Finally! We can show the guys who owns the field.

**Tanya**: And Edward belongs to me.

**Jacquel**: Keep dreaming, Tanya.

**Emmett**: If she so much makes a move towards Edward, I'll tackle her.

**Edward**: Not if I rip her to pieces first!

**Bella**: C'mon, guys. No need for violence during the holidays.

**Carlisle**: To the field to...(_just then, he notices the wolves had vandalized the field_) WHAT THE ########!!!! (_we had to do it. Carlisle needed to say those words_)

**Donnie**: Wussup, dude?

**Carlisle**: You ruined the baseball field! That's what's up!

**Jeff**: Awww, we just trying to decorate the field for the holidays.

**Jacquel**: I see. And how did you guys do that?

**Jacob**: Read the message

**Wolves' Message**: _We don't know if you actually celebrate Christmas, but anyway, Merry Christmas...uh...leeches...we mean...Cullens._

**Jacquel**: Well, isn't that nice? They sent us a holiday message. (everyone else agrees with her) Hey Carlisle, where are you going?

**Carlisle**: I'm going back home to...you know...cool off...

_On the sixth day of Christmas, this happened to me...6 well, thoughtful La Push Wolves, 5 Denali's! 4 long-lost siblings, 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

* * *

Well, we'll have more tomorrow!


	24. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 7

And now I begin the _12 Days of Twilight_, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

**Day 7**

**Carlisle**: Why is it that my holiday is being ruined? Not that I don't appreciate what the wolves have done for me, but why do I feel so upset?

**Roger**: Hah! You stupid boy, you just don't like Christmas, or do you? You're nothing but a grinch and a scrooge!

**Carlisle**: Hey, will you shut up for once in your pathetic life? You were no fan of Christmas yourself, and you tried to project that onto me!

**Roger**: But it was for your own good, son. Your mother always did love the holiday season and as much as we both tried, we knew that Christmas just wasn't the same without her.

**Carlisle**: Christmas just wasn't allowed in the Cullen household, I guess.

**Roger**: (_sighing_) I guess you're right, Carlisle. I was so wrapped up in condemning heretics that I failed to see the true reason why I became a pastor. (_Jacquel shows up_)

**Jacquel**: You're damn right you didn't! You're a sucky father in life and even in death your words did more harm than good!

**Roger**: And what would YOU know of fathers?

**Jacquel**: Plenty more than you ever did. Guess who raised me.

**Carlisle**: And I did a better job at it than you ever will.

**Roger**: Better job? Hah!

**Carlisle**: Oh for the love of all that is good and holy in the world, will no one ever tell me why we are celebrating Christmas? It's not about Frosty the Snowman or Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or lame classic holiday movies! Why on earth do we ever celebrate Christmas at all?

**Sameth**: (_shows up_) I could tell you a few things.

**Roger**: Like what?

**Saphira**: (_sitting in a makeshift Nativity scene_) This. (_she had taken one of Jacquel's old dolls and wrapped it in a baby blanket_)

**Sameth**: Well, let's see: 2,000 years ago, a group of shepherds were watching their flocks at night when all of a sudden, an angel appeared among them... (_little Delicia comes out, dressed as an angel_)

**Delicia**: (_yelling very loudly)_ Fear not! I give you all good news, which is better than, well, a bunch of stuff that happened this year!

**Jacquel**: (_whispering_) A child has been born...

**Delicia**: (_yelling very loudly_) Today, a child has been borned, and this child will grow up and save the world from all the evil celebrities that try to rule it!

**Roger**: Really? Well, I thought baby Jesus was supposed to grow and save the world from its sins.

**Delicia**: But what about the evil celebrities?

**Roger**: They're not evil, they're just messed up. A lot of them aren't friends with Jesus at all.

**Delicia**: Are you sure?

**Roger**: Yeah.

**Saphira**: As you can see, this is why we celebrate Christmas. It's the birth of Christ.

**Jacquel**: And 36 years later, he gets nailed to a tree all because he said that it would be nice if we all learned to get along and tolerate each other.

**Sameth**: Well, I find that hard to swallow.

**Jacquel**: Now do you understand why we celebrate Christmas?

**Carlisle**: And I thought all the years I had put you in every Christmas pagent in church would at least give me some hint of guidance. I'm going to reflect on what I have seen and heard tonight.

**Roger**: Well, don't take too long; you still have to give me something for Christmas!

**Carlisle**: Will he NEVER change? (_kids shake their heads_)

_On the seventh day of Christmas, this happened to me: 7 moments of reflection, 6 well, thoughtful La Push Wolves, 5 Denali's! 4 long-lost siblings, 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

* * *

Well, we'll have more tomorrow!


	25. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 8

And now I begin the 12 Days of Twilight, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

**Day 8 **

(_holiday music plays. everyone is outside at the La Push Snow Park_)

**Jacob**: Dang it, it's freaking cold out here!

**Donnie**: What do you mean it's freaking cold? We're freezing our butts off here!

**Joey**: Damn Californians.

**Jeff**: What about you? I heard you all came from the south of Oregon.

**Zotius**: North of California, actually.

**Jacob**: Enough, guys. Now, everyone's going to be coming here soon so let's get the place ready. And for God's sake, take off your coats, boys! We're Quileutes for crying out loud! The cold can't affect us!

**Jeff**: I still think he's insane.

(_a few hours later, where the Quileutes are enjoying the snow park_)

**Sam**: Well, at least the Cullens aren't here to mess things up this time.

**Leah**: What do you have against them, anyway?

**Sam**: Uh, they messed up my wedding!

**Leah**: You tried to marry Emily on _MY_ birthday! That was a bitch-slap in my face!

**Sam**: But you purposefully ditched my wedding!

** Leah**: Shut up, Sam! You have your wife, now leave me alone! Don't ever come near me again! (_she storms off_)

**Jared**: Lover's quarrel?

**Sam**: If you want to call it.

**Emily**: Whatever happened to Leah? She used to be so nice.

**Seth**: I know.

**Emily**: You should know. She's your sister, Seth! I think you should know that by now!

**Brady**: Damn, this is bogus. Let's see what the Cullens are up to...

**Paul**: Hey, I have an idea!

**All**: What?

**Paul**: Let's make the Cullens a CD!

**Collin**: Of what?

**Embry**: All their stuff. You know, how they all sang that song about them being vampires, but no one fears them?

**Jacob**: Right!

**Emily**: Well, let's go into the studio and make up some songs!

**Wolves**: Yeah!

(_when the Cullens get home from a Christmas party, Carlisle discovers a gift laying under their Christmas tree. Little did he know that the wolves had gotten into his recording studio and made up some songs_:)  
1. Volterra Theme Song (sang to the tune of Knights of the Round Table in Monty Python & the Holy Grail)  
2. Mister Cullen (sang to the tune of Mister Hood in Shrek the Movie)  
3. Volturi Idiot (sang to the tune of Green Day's American Idiot)  
4. Can't We All Just Get Along? (sang to the tune of I Write Sins, Not Tragedies by Panic! At the Disco)  
5. A Love Song for Bella Swan (sang to the tune of I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor)  
6. Rosalie (sang to the tune of Roxanne by the Police)  
7. That's Not Me (sang to the tune of That's Not My Name by the Ting Tings)  
8. We're Not Like Most Bloodsuckers (sang to the tune of We Are The Champions by Queen)

(_Well, we can all guess that Carlisle wasn't going to be very happy when he found out who had been in his studio_)

** Carlisle**: JACOB??????

_ On the eighth day of Christmas, this happened to me: 8 unauthorized songs, 7 moments of reflection, 6 well, thoughtful La Push Wolves, 5 Denali's! 4 long-lost siblings, 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

* * *

_Well, we'll have more tomorrow!_


	26. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 9

And now I begin the 12 Days of Twilight, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

**Day 9**

(_holiday music plays. everyone is at the mall in Port Angeles_)

**Edward**: Bella, she's almost a year old. What do you think she'll do with a Wii?

**Bella**: Learn to play it, I guess.

**Edward**: But still, she's a little girl.

**Emmett**: And Renesmee can't play the Wii because...

**Rosalie**: She's a girl.

**Carlisle**: Now now, kids, now is not the time to argue over the reasons why Nessie can't play the Wii. Emmett's buying the Wii for EVERYONE and that's my final word on the matter. (_everyone groans and walks off_)

**Roger**: Very good, Carlisle.

**Carlisle**: Well, I'm usually easygoing with them, but there are times when I have to assert my authority as the father in the family.

**Roger**: Really?

**Carlisle**: Last time, it was Jacquelyn who made me have to put my foot down.

**Roger**: Why? (_just then Jacquel, Sam, and Saphira show up)_

**Jacquel**: We're going to slip off to the movies. _Avatar _is playing and Sam and Safie haven't seen a decent movie in ages.

**Carlisle**: Of course, Jacquelyn. (_all three head to the movie theater_)

**Esme**: Well, I remember how angry you were at Rosalie when she said you should send Jacquelyn away.

**Carlisle**: And then seven years later, I yelled at her for even suggesting that Jacquelyn should be hidden away from the Volturi.

**Roger**: Sounds like Rosalie didn't want Jacquelyn around.

**Alice**: Why do we remember all the bad things? They are like the little holes in life's cardigan sweaters. But I have something fun for all of us to do!

**Roger**: Like what?

**Alice**: Shopping! (_she drags the rest of the group to every store in the mall to the tune of some wacky song. Very soon, everyone is seen carrying a bag_)

**Roger**: What's her deal?

**Jasper**: You don't want to know.

**Casper**: Why not?

**Rosalie**: Well, there's just some things about Alice that we're not meant to know about. (_Just then an announcement is made_)

**Announcer**: Attention all shoppers: Due to the low amount of retail, we're marking every product at 99% off! (_pandemonium breaks out as people scramble to get their purchases in_)

**Rgoer**: 99% off??? Has the whole damned world gone mad? (_sees a huge box_) Gimme whatever's in that box! (_he takes a flying leap at someone who's carrying a computer. The rest of the Cullens follow suit_)

**Emmett**: Oooooh I gotta get that game! (_yanks WoW off the shelf_)

**Rosalie**: I so want that book! (_snatches book from unsuspecting person_)

**Alice**: I'm going back for more sweaters! (_runs into a store_)

**Jasper**: I'm just gonna sit quietly right over there. (_sits on bench_)

**Carlisle**: Me too. (_joins Jasper_) This could take a while...

**Esme**: That leaves me free to plan something big for Carlisle! (_she slips off_)

**Aro**: What shall I get for Carlisle that will make him love me?

**Caius**: Like maybe an animal made out of chocolate?

**Marcus**: Perfect! You give him the chocolate and he'll be ditching his family and joining us!

**Aro**: Yay! (_just then, Jacquel, Sam, and Safie are seen leaving the movie theater with a bunch of cheering people)_

**Guy**: You gotta see _Avatar_, dude!

**Guy #2**: Best movie ever!

**Aro**: What?

**Jacquel**: (_looking out and seeing the chaos in the mall_) I'm heading back inside. All in favor of watching another movie, run! (_they run back into the theater_)

**Carlisle**: (_sees everyone carrying several bags full of stuff they bought_) I take it we're ready to go? (_everyone nods_) Hey, where's Jacquelyn?

**Aro**: Carlisle? I got something for you!

**Roger**: Like what? He's never leaving his wife for you, you pathetic demon!

**Caius**: I'll show you! (_just then Athenodora and Sulpicia show up_)

**Sully**: Aro, where's my gift?

**Athenodora**: Caius, you said you'd buy me something!

**Caius**: Oh, did I? (_Athenodora snatches a package from him and opens it_)

**Athenodora**: Eeeeeeee!!!! You got me a gold-covered rose???

**Sully**: (_opens gift_) Awwww how sweet! Aro, you got me a stuffed reindeer!

**Aro**: But but but...I thought those gifts were for Carlisle!

**Athenodora**: Why would you be sooooo obsessed with him? He still likes to eat animals!

**Sully**: And live like a human!

**Roger**: Leave my son alone, all of you!

**Carlisle**: I appreciate you all trying to get me to go back to Volterra, but I like it here. I love my family. I have a great career. You can't force me to drop all of this and go back with you.

**Aro**: But Carlisle, did your time with us mean nothing? I love you so much...(Sully coughs) Yes yes, I love you too, Sulpicia. But Carlisle, nothing you can say or do can erase the fact that we're meant to be! (_kisses Carlisle_)

**Jacquel**: (_comes out of the theater_) Ok, I say we all head back into the theater and forget we ever saw _THAT_!!!

_On the ninth day of Christmas, this happened to me: 9 hours of shopping, 8 unauthorized songs, 7 moments of reflection, 6 well, thoughtful La Push Wolves, 5 Denali's! 4 long-lost siblings, 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

* * *

_Well, we'll have more tomorrow!_


	27. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 10

And now I begin the 12 Days of Twilight, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day.

* * *

**Day 10**

(_At the Volturi's hotel rooms_)

**Aro**: I'm tired of us being humiliated by that stupid old man!

**Caius**: Well, look on the bright side. At least it's not that stupid cop!

**Marcus**: But still, that old man doesn't know when to quit.

**Caius**: Just like the cop.

**Aro**: And the fact that he's Carlisle's father doesn't help us much.

**Marcus**: Great! Now everyone out here thinks you're a homewrecker who's trying to break up the marriage between Carlisle and Esme!

**Caius**: And everyone knows now you're gay for Carlisle!

**Athenodora**: C'mon, boys, let's drop the matter for now and enjoy a nice holiday movie.

**Sully**: And besides, it's the holidays! Giana's throwing her annual holiday party and we need to be there.

**Aro**: Yeah...I just hope it erases how sad I am because Carlisle chose a woman over me.

**Caius**: And his lifestyle.

**Felix**: And everything else that went along with it.

**Giana**: Ok, everyone! Who's up for a holiday movie?

**Jane**: I want to see that _Christmas Carol_ movie.

**Alec**: The old kind. Jim Carrey scares the crap outta me in the new version.

**Heidi**: Of course. _A Christmas Carol_ is not supposed to be a happy movie at all. It's supposed to scare Ebenezer Scrooge into getting into the holiday spirit. Ok, Giana, let's kick it!

****_a few movies later_****

**Demetri**: We have been drowning ourselves in way too many holiday movies.

**Felix**: Actually, I bet some of them were kind of nice.

**Jane**: Well, I say I get to pick the next movie.

**Alec**: No, I pick the next movie!

**Heidi**: I'm prettier than both of you! I get to pick the next movie!

**Chelsea**: Like hell you are! (_they all argue_)

**Aro**: What am I doing wrong? I get humiliated by the wolves and Carlisle hates me. Why does everyone think I'm such a horrible man?

**Caius**: Not to mention we keep getting busted by that cop every time we come here.

**Marcus**: And Carlisle's father calls us demons.

**Athenodora**: Darn, will this crap NEVER end?

**Sully**: Yeah. I'm starting to get a headache.

**Demetri**: How can you get a headache? You're a vampire!

**Sully**: Shut up before I give _YOU_ one!

**Giana**: Ok, that's enough all of you! (_fighting stops_) I pick the next movie!

**Caius**: It better be good.

**Aro**: And not have any wolves in it.

**Marcus**: I hate those stupid shapeshifters.

**Giana**: It's even better...

**Volturi**: WHAT COULD BE BETTER????

**Giana**: This! (s_creen turns on. La Push Wolves dance around and sing_)

**Wolves**: (_singing_) We wish you a Merry Prankmas, we wish you a Merry Prankmas, we wish you a Merry Prankmas and a humiliating New Year! Yeah you're all nothing but a bunch of stupid sissies; the Cullens are so much better than you! We wish you a Merry Prankmas, we wish you a Merry Prankmas, we wish you a Merry Prankmas...and a humiliating New Year! (_wolves go crazy making up bad jokes about the Volturi_)

**Aro**: That is so humiliating!

**Caius**: And mean!

**Marcus**: Who do these wolves think they are? We're the Volturi! We're the greatest!

**Giana**: Well, the next message begs to differ. (_screen turns on. Cullens and Denalis dance around and sing_)

**Jacquel**: We are the Cullens

**Rosalie**: and we eat animals

**Emmett**: we really don't give a hoot as to what the Volturi think

**Edward**: they can kiss our butts

**Kate**: 'cause we so much better

**Garrett**: when will they learn to shut their mouths and let us live our lives?

**Jasper**: Aro, Caius, and Marcus are acting like stupid jerks

**Bella**: too bad they showed up here and got busted by my dad

**Tanya**: when are they gonna give this crappy act up?

**Alice**: I foresee nothing but being overthrown in their future! (_video ends_)

**Aro**: That is just too mean!

**Caius**: And humiliating!

**Marcus**: You know something, brothers? Let's just stay here and watch holiday movies instead.

**Aro & Caius**: Agreed.

**Giana**: Shall I start up another movie? (_Volturi nods_) Ok then! (_pops in another DVD_)

_On the tenth day of Christmas, this happened to me: 10 holiday movies, 9 hours of shopping, 8 unauthorized songs, 7 moments of reflection, 6 well, thoughtful La Push Wolves, 5 Denali's! 4 long-lost siblings, 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

* * *

And here's a list of the movies the Volturi watched in this chapter:

_A Charlie Brown Christmas _

_Unaccompanied Minors _

_The Polar Express _

_Elf _

_Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas _

_The Santa Clause, The Santa Clause 2__, & The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause _

_The Nativity Story_

_Jingle All the Way _

_The Family Stone_

_Four Christmases_

_Fred Claus_

_The Grinch & How the Grinch Stole Christmas! _

_Eight Crazy Nights_

_Deck the Halls_

_Christmas with the Kranks _

_A Christmas Story _

__

_National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_

In case you'd like to know, this list came from Wikipedia when I searched for list of Christmas movies. I just don't see the Volturi actually watching those movies anyway.

* * *

_Well, we'll have more tomorrow!_


	28. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 11

And now I begin the 12 Days of Twilight, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day. The time is winding down...so let's get this thing to a close!

* * *

**Day 11 **

(_everyone is decorating the Christmas tree_)

**Esme**: (_pulls out an ornament_) Look, Carlisle! It's that ornament from when we were first married!

**Carlisle**: How nice. I'm going to hang that right over there...(_sees a giant ornament that took over the spot that the ornament was about to occupy_) Emmett...I think that bear ornament needs to go.

**Emmett**: But Carlisle, how will I remember the day I got mauled by that bear?

**Rosalie**: I'll help you remember...(_they sneak off to their room_)

**Roger**: Hah! Keep that bear up there, Carlisle.

**Carlisle**: I rather not. Besides, Emmett's going to be a father soon and I don't think his child would like it if an ornament of a ferocious grizzly bear is on the Christmas tree next to Frosty the Snowman. (_takes ornament off the tree and replaces it with another ornament_)

**Jasper**: I still say there better be room for the red, white and blue!

**Alice**: Don't worry, Jasper, we'll hang up the bunting. (_she tries to drape it on the tree, but Roger is in her way_) Uh, either help or get out of here.

**Laurent**: Or you can help me make these delicious apple pies, which smell like a certain vampire...

**Jacquel**: Laurent, don't even think about it!

**Edward**: Think about what?

**Alice**: Found them! (_she is carrying a small box_)

**Roger**: What's in that box?

**Alice**: Jacquel's ornaments, she made them when she was a small child. All ten of them.

**Jacquel**: What? (_walks over to Alice and looks in the box_) Oh great! You just HAD to drag out my old ornaments, didn't you?

** Esme**: Why not? (_looks at ornaments_) Here's the first ornament we made for you, during your first Christmas.

**Carlisle**: And here's the second one. Emmett made it for you.

**Edward**: Don't forget about the little gold piano.

**Roger**: You made these for her?

**Jacquel**: Well, those were for me when I was a kid.

**Bree**: Even the weird-looking two-headed bird?

**Jacquel**: Well, it was Heritage Christmas one year...

**Delicia**: Me put up ornament! It sparkly! (_she holds up a pine cone she sprayed with purple paint_)

**Jasper**: Ok, little darlin'. (_he picks up Delicia and she puts the ornament on the tree_)

**Roger**: Hah! Little kids...

**Carlisle**: I was once a kid myself. You let me put ornaments on the tree as well.

** Roger**: Yeah, at church!

**Saphira**: What's his deal?

**Carlisle**: Don't ask.

**Roger**: But why not?

**Alice**: You seem to be just an old man who has no love for his only begotten son! You didn't even care about Carlisle, or else he wouldn't be bitten!

**Carlisle**: Alice...

** Alice**: I'm not finished here! You never even loved Carlisle...

**Roger**: That's not true!

**Alice**: (_slapping him_) LIAR!!! If you were half the man you should be, instead of always worrying about hurting people, you should have shown compassion instead!

**Carlisle**: Alice...

**Alice**: Stop defending him, Carlisle! He is no father to you!

** Roger**: How could you say something like that?

**Alice**: Because my own father and mother threw me into a mental hospital all because of my visions.

**Roger**: Good for them. You were a whack job to begin with. (_he gets slapped_) Carlisle? Did you just...slap me?

**Carlisle**: Yes, I just did. I can't believe you would say that to Alice! She is one of the nicest people I have ever met and she's certainly not crazy!

**Roger**: And what about that Emmett guy?

**Carlisle**: He's what we most certainly need at times.

**Roger**: And Jasper? What's so great about him?

** Carlisle**: Jasper can calm an entire room! Speaking of which, where is he?

**Jasper**: Not this time, Carlisle. This time, things must play themselves out.

**Sameth**: Man, that guy has issues. He needs to see Dr. Phil.

**Roger**: I heard that!

**Delicia**: You're nothing but a mean old man! I hate mean old men! (_Jacquel takes her out the room_)

**Roger**: Spoiled little brat!

**Jacquel**: I heard that! My daughter is not spoiled!

**Carlisle**: Now you listen here and you better listen good: don't you dare insult my family! I don't care what you think of them; they're the best thing that has ever happened to me in all of my pathetic not-life and you want to even deny me the right to having this family!

** Eleazar**: Well, I'm sorry if you don't like him, but this is his life and he can live how he wants.

** Roger**: Nobody asked you, you pathetic monster!

**Carlisle**: That is enough! You just can't insult anyone and think they won't respond! I'm not even sure if you love the God you claim to serve.

**Roger**: That's blasphemy! How dare you make such a suggestion like that!

** Jacquel**: Well, I think I have a response to that...(_taps Roger's head_) Good night!

**Roger**: Hey, what the...(_Jacquel has put him to sleep_)

**Carlisle**: What have you done to him?

** Jacquel**: Well, I put a sleeping charm on him. That will shut him up for a good while. He has no right to insult us anyway.

**Donnie**: (_looking through the window_) Wow. Sounds like the leeches are all pretty high-strung, right?

**Jacob**: Yup. Too bad Renesmee won't let me come in.

_On the eleventh day of Christmas, this happened to me: 11 high-strung vampires, 10 holiday movies, 9 hours of shopping, 8 unauthorized songs, 7 moments of reflection, 6 well, thoughtful La Push Wolves, 5 Denali's! 4 long-lost siblings, 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

* * *

_One more day..._


	29. The 12 Days of Twilight: Day 12

And now I begin the _12 Days of Twilight_, in which every day until Christmas, I will develop a story which will lead up to the big day. The story is now DONE!!!

* * *

**Day 12**

_(Christmas Eve)_

**Jacquel**: Christmas Eve is here! (_all cheer_) And I think we're ready for the holidays to end.

**Emmett**: Of course. I'm looking forward to the Orange Bowl.

**Jasper**: We're talking football, right?

**Emmett**: Of course.

**Rosalie**: It'll be better next year, when our children are born.

**Jacob**: (_walks in_) So, how's everyone doing since the "_get-the-house-ready_" fiasco?

**Renesmee**: Shut up, Jacob! You're not supposed to be here!

**Leah**: Why are you so mad at him?

**Renesmee**: I'm never forgiving Jacob for imprinting on me when I was a baby. I'm with Nahuel now. Jacob needs to get over it. And me.

**Jacob**: Why are you so mad, Renesmee?

**Renesmee**: You know what you did!

**Bella**: Now tell her you're sorry or else I'm telling everyone about...

**Jacquel**: And I'll tell everyone about your crappy parents!

**Jacob**: Ok, fine! I'm sorry that I imprinted on Renesmee! I'm sorry for being an idiot to Bella. Happy now?

**All**: Yup.

**Renesmee**: Yup! (_she walks off to join Nahuel_)

**Sam**: Well, things are progressing nicely.

**Paul**: Yeah. Except for that mean old man who called me a cur.

**Jared**: Well, Carlisle must have the patience of a saint to put up with such a man like him.

**Paul**: I agree.

**Nahuel**: And why are you being such a jerk to Renesmee?

**Jacob**: Well...

**Renesmee**: The difference between you and Nahuel is that Nahuel treats me with respect and you're just an idiot.

**Jeff**: Oh, that's cold!

**Renesmee**: Sad, but true.

**Bree**: Let's party! (_music turns on and everyone starts dancing. Roger wakes up hearing everything_)

**Roger**: Hey, what the hell? Why are all of you dancing like little heathens? Carlisle, do something about this chaos!

**Carlisle**: Shut up, dad! I'm dancing here! And you can't stop me!

**Roger**: What was that?!

**Jacquel**: The sound of classic Jacquel, when they forced me to perform for my supper, and I hardly ate as it was.

**Jacob**: Well, that's nice. (_one of Jacquel's songs is playing over the sound system_)

**Alice**: This is a great party!

**Casper**: I agree.

**Solaris**: And no Volturi to disturb it either. (_Aro, Caius, & Marcus are seen_)

**Aro**: Darn. We should be at that party! Can't they see that we're the Volturi? We're the greatest!

**Caius**: But that cop and the boring old jerk are there. And I don't think Carlisle will let us in.

**Marcus**: Too bad, because next time, we're crashing their Martin Luther King feast! (_they glare jealously as they watch everyone dance_)

_On the twelth day of Christmas, this happened to me: 12 classic Jacquel tunes, 11 stressed out vampires, 10 holiday movies, 9 hours of shopping, 8 unauthorized songs, 7 moments of reflection, 6 thoughtful La Push Wolves, 5 Denalis! 4 long-lost siblings, 3 fantasy stories, 2 party crashers, and 1 prank from Jacob Black!_

* * *

And so ends the _12 Days of Twilight_. I hope you've enjoyed this story. More will come soon.


	30. BadBoy James Tries to Worm his Way into

A New Twi-fic for a New Year. Enjoy!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 16: **In Which Bad-Boy James Tries to Worm his way into the Volturi **

**James**: Hah! That Edward Cullen thinks he's so cool; I'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget...

**Laurent**: Why not get the Volturi involved?

**Victoria**: Well, I don't think so. They don't like it if we bothered them.

**James**: C'mon, you two! I'm sick of being humiliated by the Cullens! I'm going to them!

**Victoria**: Fine! Let's go! (_They all head off to Volterra_)

**Aro**: I'm tried of us being humiliated by those stupid Cullens! And the Wolves as well!

**Caius**: What we need now are allies! (_James, Laurent, & Victoria walk in_)

**James**: We can help you!

**Caius**: Uh, yeah. About that. The Cullens and the Wolves are not to be fooled so easily.

**Laurent**: Of course. We've already seen you get busted the first time.

**Victoria**: By that cop.

**Marcus**: But can you help us?

**James**: Why would I want to mess with a bunch of smelly oversized dogs?

** Laurent**: You would.

**Victoria**: Yeah. Stupid wolves ganged up on you. You should have eaten Bella when you had the chance.

**Jane**: Ok, are these some new recruits?

**Aro**: We're...not sure.

** James**: I'm James, the ultimate bad boy. I'm the guy your mother warned you about. Why don't we sneak off on a date sometime?

**Victoria**: James...

** Jane**: That's very interesting, but I have humans to torture. They think they have some powers from the occult. I think they're liars.

**James**: Awwww...(_he then hits on Heidi, Chelsea, Renata, and Giana and they all faint_)

**Sulpicia**: He's a bad boy!

**Athenodora**: Let's get away from him! (_they run back into the tower. Just them a random girl shows up_)

**James**: You have just encountered James, the ultimate vampire bad boy! And would you like to date him? (_girl faints_) Is there no other girl around here?

**Caius**: He's hired!

**Aro**: What of those other two?

**Marcus**: Yeah, I say we keep them. For what, we don't know just yet.

**Victoria**: But I have a bone to pick with that Irina Denali! Laurent was mine! I had him first! And then that bitch tried to claim him!

**Laurent**: But Victoria, it was just one time...

**Victoria**: No! That slut tried to steal you! You're mine, Laurent! Even if I have James! You were mine to begin with!

**Aro**: Why don't we agree to a little prank to play on the Denali coven?

**Caius & Marcus**: Sounds good.

**James**: You mean those girls? Easy; I'd make them faint in about five seconds.

_*** trip to Denali***_

(_James and the Volturi show up in Denali, where Tanya and Kate faint within seconds of seeing James. But Victoria and Irina get into a fight over Laurent. Laurent frowns as he watches the angry vampire women duke it out_)

**Laurent**: Perhaps I should find a woman who isn't so...possessive.

**James**: Of course. C'mon, Vicky! It's off to the Cullens we go!

**Victoria**: This isn't over yet, bitch! Laurent has always been mine! (_She, James, & Laurent leave_)

**Aro**: Hah! I can't wait to see how that ends!

* * *

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **_I Got Twilighted_**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http://igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	31. The Q & A Session May contain SPOILERS!

In which the guys of "_I Got Twilighted_" get interviewed by Stephanie Shipman, who is a reporter for The Santa Rosa Courier.

* * *

**Shipman**: I hear you kids are quite popular now.

**Emmett**: That we are.

**Shipman**: And your stories are quite popular.

**Seth**: Yeah. People today just love us.

**Emily**: I went up to a random person today and asked them about Harry Potter and they said "_Harry who_?"

**Shipman**: Well, all of the Harry Potter aside, the public is dying to know: _will you and Leah have your babies at the same time_?

**Emily**: IDK. But to her, that would be the last straw.

**Paul**: Exactly.

**Shipman**: Ok, I'll ignore that. But anyway, will Carlisle ever patch things up with his father?

**Jasper**: I really don't know about that. And besides, I heard that Roger abused him as a teenager.

**Roger**: I did not!

**Paul**: Shut up, you stupid old man!

**Bree**: Yeah! I can't believe that you would be so mean to Carlisle! Whatever did he do to you?

**Shipman**: Ok, that's enough with the fighting! Anyway, a reader wants to know what you guys will be planning to do with Aro.

**Seth**: Well, he's going to get ultra-humiliated, if you know what I mean!

**Embry**: Yeah!

**Shipman**: What about your father, Embry?

**Emmett**: LAY OFF HIS FATHER!!!

**Shipman**: Sorry! But anyway, will we see a wedding?

**Seth**: Yup.

**Shipman**: And who's the lucky couple?

**Victoria**: Their names rhyme with _Racquel _and _Barent_.

**Shipman**: What? You mean that...

**Emmett**: Hey, lady! No spoiling the story!

**Shipman**: Sorry! But anyway, will you guys be doing a movie anytime soon?

**Jasper**: Well, in the summer, we will be in a movie with the guys from True Blood.

**Shipman**: And that's after you have your babies?

**Emmett**: Yup.

**Seth**: And it's gonna be like a mixture of the Hangover, Friends, and some other crap.

**Sam**: Ok then. (_to Shipman_) That's enough of your questions! Get out!

**Shipman**: Why?

**Sam**: Because you're just like those other jerks who want us to give Jacquel back to Harry Potter. Stupid bastard dumped her for that slut-whore Hermione and she came here. So there. Not get out and if this crap ends up in the news, I'll sue you!

* * *

Shipman later returned to the paper and wrote out the article, which was then published in the paper and everyone soon found out.

So, we'll be back with another episode of "_I Got Twilighted_" soon! Tell me what you think of this interview!


	32. Father of Mine

Carlisle has daddy issues that need to be resolved...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 17: **Father of Mine**

**Carlisle**: And why are you here?

**Roger**: Why not?

**Esme**: Well, I don't think you're the kind of man who I think would be Carlisle's father.

**Roger**: So you're telling me that I'm not good enough to be Carlisle's father?

**Rosalie**: Well, I had always imagined Carlisle's father to be kind and loving towards all people; that's why Carlisle's a doctor and many people love him.

**Alice**: Even those smelly Wolves love him, even if they refuse to show it.

**Jacob**: (_walking in_) Oh, is that all that we are to you? A "_bunch of smelly Wolves_"?

**All**: Yes! Now hit the showers!

**Jacob**: Very well. C'mon Seth. (_they go to the bathroom_)

**Jacquel**: Well, what's going on here?

**Carlisle**: Someone has walked into my house and he hasn't explained why he's here.

**Jasper**: I think it's because the Volturi wants to torture us some more.

**Carlisle**: Hah! Thought so!

**Emmett**: Balsted Volturi! Now I have to clean up the mess they made with that bear! And I have a bone to pick with those jerks!

**Jacquel**: And Aro's gay.

**Alice**: Caius is a jerk.

**Jasper**: And Marcus is iffy beyond all reasoning.

**Carlisle**: But that still doesn't explain why you are here.

**Roger**: I don't have a clue about what you're talking about.

**Jacquel**: I do!

**Emmett**: Like what?

**Jacquel**: Why is it that Carlisle doesn't get along with his father?

**Laurent**: It is because they seemed to not have a good life together.

**Rosalie**: What the hell? Why are YOU still here?

**Laurent**: I am attracted to the smell of a vampire, and that vampire smells like a freshly baked apple pie...

**Jacquel**: Oh come off it! And FYI, I have never eaten an apple pie in my life.

**Jasper**: So why am I feeling the tension in the room?

**Esme**: You don't seem very happy to see your father, Carlisle. Why?

**Carlisle**: He abused me, all right? He hurt me in more ways than Jacquelyn's guardian hurt her!

**Bree**: Even worse than having babies dumped on you?

**Carlisle**: Yes, _that_! He hurt me from the time I was 18 until when I was bitten.

**Roger**: Hah! You never seemed to agree with me about anything, Carlisle!

**Carlisle**: Because you were nothing more than a man who did nothing but cause pain and suffering to many people!

**Roger**: Really?

**Carlisle**: Yes, really! That's why I didn't get married or have children until I was sure that I would not turn out like you!

**Roger**: But I was a good father!

**Jacquel**: Not if you abused him and stuff like that! Now, Carlisle just happens to be a better father to us than you were to him. And that's saying a lot.

**Jacob**: (_coming out of the shower_) How's about we talk about it on the _La Push Show_?

**All**: Yeah. Good idea.

* * *

Well, next time, we get to see Jacob do the _La Push Show_, where he talks about how he and Rosalie got caught in the bed together, Charlie gets roasted, and Carlisle is forced to admit his secret abuse. Stay tuned!

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called _I Got Twilighted_, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http://igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	33. BREAKING NEWS!

TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 2010

_(Taken from my I Got Twilighted Blog)_

_Who is Bree?_

_Well, here's the news: Stephenie Meyer is about to give us another story! No, it's not MIDNIGHT SUN, but the story is about a certain vampire named Bree._

_That's right. Bree's story has been written._

_The title is...**The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner**, in which Bree tells her life story when she gets bitten/recruited by the evil vampiress Victoria in her quest to destroy poor Bella Swan._

_So be on the lookout for the book, which rushes into bookstores on June 5, 2010. Which will be just 2 weeks before Eclipse the movie hits theaters June 30._

* * *

(_Bree's Reaction_)

**Bree**: Eeeeeeeeeeeee! I ***FINALLY*** get to tell _MY_ side of the story!!!

**Stephenie**: Of course, Bree. I'm releasing your story to the world.

**Bree**: This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!

**Victoria**: Oh, ok. So I'm the evil bitch?

**Bree**: Yeah. You bit me!

**Stephenie**: Uh Victoria, this is Bree's moment. Let her have it.

**Seth**: Bree gets her own story? (_just then Edward sees into Seth's mind Bree's name and the word **IMPRINT**_)

**Edward**: Uuuuuugggghhhhh! Seth? You just HAD to imprint on Bree, didn't you?

**Stephenie**: Oh grow up, Edward! It was bound to happen!

**Jane**: Darn. Now the whole story is changed around.

**Leah**: Of course, you evil little witch. Now back off or I'll tell everyone on the La Push Show that you're having an affair with Aro!

**Stephenie**: Leah, you will do no such thing!

**Jane**: Unless you want to hear about that time you...

**Bree**: SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!! THIS IS MY MOMENT AND NOBODY'S GONNA TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!!!

**Jacquel**: How's about we tell everyone on the La Push Show?

**Leah**: Yeah! We can ask Stephenie about it. Say, where'd she go?

(_at a diner_)

**Stephenie**: I'll have the pattimelt with a side order of...(she sees a couple sitting at the table next to her. they are no doubt familiar to us) Charlie? Sue? They're dating??? I must tell them!!!

(_at the Cullen house_)

**Roger**: Hah! I knew this was no good! That stupid wolf-boy imprinted on her!

**Rosalie**: Shut up, Grandpa! You're gonna get found out eventually!

**Roger**: So will you, you little bimbo! You and that other wolf-boy are a bunch of horny Glorious bastard children of a reptilian rat-loving scallywag! (_Emmett storms in overhearing the whole thing_)

**Emmett**: WHAT DID YOU SAY?????

**Bree**: He's a jerk.

**Emmett**: Well, he most certainly is. (_phone rings_)

**Jacquel**: Hello? What? WHAT???? Ok, I'll do it.

**Emmett**: What?

**Jacquel**: Who's up for a party to celebrate Bree's good fortune? (_music turns on and everyone starts dancing_)

**Roger**: I hate parties!!!

* * *

Ok, so Bree's story is about to get off the ground, and there will be many moments with Bree throughout the story, since she has been imprinted on by Seth.

The La Push Show Episode 2 will be out soon! Review and get to igottwilighted. !


	34. Bree's Revenge on the Volturi

(from the Volturi Diaries)

_After Charlie and his friends were secured, Aro said, "That'll show them who's boss!"_

_"Yeah, but I have a strange feeling that someone is going to be destroying us," said Marcus._

_"Like who!" said Caius._

_Just then, Bree showed up._

_"BREE?" the Volturi cried out._

_"Yup," said Bree. "My story's been written. Everyone's going to find out that you destroyed me even BEFORE I had a chance to live!"_

_"We're so sorry, Bree," said Aro. "Please don't use whatever powers you might have and destroy us!"_

_"Too late," said Bree. "Bring out...THE BREE-FANS!"_

_At once, scores of angry young girls showed up, all armed to the teeth with weapons. They were wearing T-shirts that said "**TEAM BREE**". They growled at the Volturi._

_"I have a bad feeing about this," said Jane._

_"Me too," said Felix._

_"GET THEM!" yelled an angry Bree fan._

_The Volturi screamed as the Bree fans chased after them._

**Aro: **Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! How did we not know that Bree would come back and destroy us?

**Caius: **We're so dead now!

**Bree: **I'm gonna make you all sorry you tore me to pieces in _Eclipse_! (_to Bree fans_) GET THEM AND BEAT THEM WITH WHAT YOU GOT!

**Marcus: **Yeah, we're doomed. (_Bree fans pounce on them and beat them up_)

**Bree: **(_to Jane and Felix_) Now, since you two thought it was cool to tear me into pieces, I'm gonna show you how stupid you both were! (_beats them over the head with a baseball bat_)

**Felix: **Hey, I said I was sorry! GEEZ!

**Jane: **Don't look at me...it's all Aro's fault!

**Bree: **So you _ARE_ having an affair with Aro!

**Jane: **You little brat!

**Bree: **I should be saying the same thing about you, you bitch!

**Alec: **Don't insult my sister!

**Bree: **Shut up, you twat! You're no better than she is!

**Aro: **Bree, please don't hurt my guards!

**Bree: **Why shouldn't I? They tore me to pieces BEFORE I could make a safe choice about how to live my life!

**Carlisle: **(_coming out_) Aro? What the hell are you doing here?

**Aro: **Oh Carlisle! I'm so glad you're here to save me! This little minx here is terrorizing my guards! (_hugs Carlisle and kisses him_)

**Bree: **Uuuuuuggggghhhhh! What are you? Gay? (_whacks Aro over the head_)

**Aro: **Hey, that was mean!

**Bree: **So what? You're gay, you're stupid, you're disgusting, and I want an explanation as to why I wasn't allowed to make a choice!

**Aro:** I'm sorry. Now were you making a choice?

**Bree: **Yes!

**Jane: **And what choice is that?

**Bree:** I'm staying with Carlisle.

**Caius:** But why would you stay with him? He's an animal drinker!

**Bree:** I somehow think that he's much better than you'll ever be! So there!

**Marcus: **Now that Bree has made her choice, can we PLEASE go home?

**Bree fans: **NO! (_they continue beating up the Volturi_)

**Stephenie Meyer: **Well, that's the REAL story about Bree!

**Sameth: **Yeah! Suck on that, Rowling!

**Bree:** Sameth, that was so uncalled for.

**

* * *

**Well, that just about secures Bree's place in the Cullen Clan.

In the coming weeks, we'll see how everyone reacts to Jasper's new role, the nomads do a new YouTube video, and then comes the summer movie, where they meet vampires from other books!

Review and subscribe!


	35. The La Push Show, Episode 2

And now for the moment of truth...ON THE INTERNET!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 18: **The La Push Show, Episode 2**

(_a few days later, cameras are set up all over the place. a set of bleachers is set up in front of a stage. the audience is whooping and cheering. Jacob comes out and announces_)

**Jacob**: Live from Washington State, it's the La Push Show! (_audience cheers as he takes his place at a desk that was placed on the stage. Jacob pulls out a notebook and says to the audience_) I have the lineup: my wife, Leah; brother-in-law Seth; my best friends Embry and Quil; and the rest, which consists of Collin, Brady, Jared, Paul, and Sam! (_they show up and the audience cheers_)

**Paul**: Ok, y'all! We're gonna have some fun today!

**Brady**: Fun?

**Leah**: Ok. You know what happened the last time we had a party...

**Seth**: Yup, like, whoa, what were we all thinking?

**Jacquel**: Y'all mean _drinking_? Like here, watch this: (_video turns on_)

(_at the party_)

**Jeff**: BREAKDANCING TIME! (_he and Donnie bust out some dance moves as the others watch_)

**Sam**: Hey, no breakdancing!

**Donnie**: This is our house, fool! You don't tell us what to do in OUR house! (_the twins continue dancing. Jacob and Rosalie are fighting_)

**Rosalie**: You're such a jerk, Jacob Black! I wonder why you're friends with Bella!

**Jacob**: And I wonder why you married Brother Bear over there! (_he points to Emmett, who was playing Call of Duty with Paul and Jared_)

**Rosalie**: Leave Emmett out of this!

**Jacob**: Only if you leave Bella anone!

**Rosalie**: NO!

**Jacob**: Have it your way, Ice Queen! (_they start fighting_)

**Leah**: OK, things surely got worse the next day...

(_the next day_)

**Rosalie**: (_wakes up in her bed and discovers Jacob_) JACOB BLACK! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

**Jacob**: ME? What about YOU?

**Rosalie**: You're a freaking moron, doggie breath!

**Jacob**: What about it, _Ho_-salie?

**Rosalie**: Jacob Ephraim Black, you're dead! (_they fight again. Emmett walks into the room and sees them_)

**Emmett**: Rosalie! How could you hurt me so?

**Rosalie**: Emmett?

**Emmett**: What are you doing in OUR bed with HIM? Tell me it's not what I think it is!

**Embry**: Well, I did kind of see them making out last night...oops!

**Emmett**: You broke my heart, Rosalie! I'm never gonna get over that at all! (_runs out of the room crying. Everyone glares at Rosalie_)

**Rosalie**: Hey, what'd I do?

**Brady**: Well, folks, sad to say, but I think this union is n the rocks. So anyway, let's welcome our next guest, Charlie Swan! (Charlie comes out) I understand that you must be the big man of the hour.

**Charlie**: Well, I wouldn't call it that.

**Paul**: You arrested those Volturi guys at the end of Breaking Dawn.

**Charlie**: What? You think I'm gonna let them kidnap Nessie?

**Renesmee**: IT'S RENESMEE!

**Charlie**: Sorry! So anyway, I heard about those Volturi jerks from two very reliable sources and that's when I had the entire force out there ready to stop whatever those jerks planned.

(_in Volterra_)

**Aro**: And then you humiliated me, you stupid cop! I'm never getting over that at all!

**Caius**: Stupid cop; doesn't he now that we're the Volturi?

**Marcus**: We're the greatest!

**Sam**: So I've been hearing rumors about you dating a certain woman on the La Push Reservation.

**Charlie**: What are you talking about?

**Collin**: There was that one scene in that one fic where you and Seth and Leah's mom were making out on the plane during the flight from here to London...

**Audience**: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh!

**Leah**: Yeah, it's very true. Bella and I busted them on that flight.

**Sue**: (_sitting in audience_) Leah?

**Leah**: C'mon mom. We all know you're seeing Bella's dad. Own up!

**Seth**: And we know that Billy Black covers up for you two!

**Billy**: Darn! You found me out!

**Jacob**: So know you know! Next up, we have Carlisle Cullen! He's a doctor, a husband, a father, and recently a grandfather. Did we mention he's a vampire?

**Seth**: And not to mention that he only eats icky little animals, like deer and cougars and the occasional black bear.

**Carlisle**: Well, I'm touched. Seriously.

**Jacob**: What motivated you to be a doctor and more importantly, eat animals?

**Carlisle**: Well, in my human life, my father was a preacher, but in reality, he tormented and hurt many people. I determined to never hurt a single person, and when I was bitten, God must have heard my prayers to never let me eat people because he sent a herd of deer my way. I ate the deer and realized that I didn't have to kill people and be a monster.

**Paul**: And then you decided to become a doctor?

**Carlisle**: I always loved helping people in my human life and I decided early on, if I was going to be walking the earth for always and eternity, I would have to do something productive. I spent many years abroad in various universities learning anatomy and medicines, among various things.

**Jared**: And what about that Aro?

**Carlisle**: I met him once and stayed with them for four decades. But they insisted on eating humans even though I tried to convince them that it was better to eat animals.

**Leah**: Why would Aro be so obsessed with you? I mean, not that you're not good-looking and all, but what is with him?

**Carlisle**: He was the first reason I decided to stay in Volterra and the last thing I saw when I was forced to leave. I mean, I couldn't stand being in that madhouse, where the guards were terrible and their leaders were no better. I just had to leave and come here.

**Jacob**: Now explain why on earth it took you forever to marry and have your kids.

**Carlisle**: My father was a very difficult man.

**Jared**: No kidding.

**Paul**: Explain.

**Carlisle**: It all began when I was born and my mother died. I grew up expecting that my father would never love me, so I shut myself away.

**Roger**: Carlisle, what are you talking about? I was a good father!

**Carlisle**: Really? Then what happened when I was 18 years old? You slapped me! And you kept slapping me up until the time I was bitten!

**Audience**: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh!

**Carlisle**: And not only that, you tried to involve me in your schemes to degrade and hurt innocent people!

**Roger**: But they were witches and demons in disguise!

**Jacquel**: That's enough! You had no right to hurt Carlisle! It took him forever to get over that and that's why he waited until you were gone and dead BEFORE marrying Esme and having all of us!

**Roger**: Indeed!

**Jacob**: And there you have it! Emmett and Rosalie are on the rocks, Charlie and Sue are dating, and Carlisle reveals that he never had a decent relationship with his father. So sad, isn't it?

**Seth**: Yup! And now for a sneak preview...(_Emmett and two others come dressed as Fire Nation soldiers. Jasper is standing dressed as Sokka. World of Warcraft sounds play_)

**Sound effects**: All right, let's do this. LEROY JENKINS! (_Jasper lunges at Emmett, waving his club, but Emmett throws him into the wolves' seat, where Jacquel, Paul, Jared, Collin, and Quil are. They all take a flying leap off the seats_)

**Quil**: Well, I'm not sure what the heck they did the World of Warcraft thing for, but we will announce that THE LAST AIRBENDER is coming into theaters in time for the 4th of July holidays! (_audience cheers_) And here's part two...(_Bree comes out_)

**Bree**: Everyone, you all need to rush to your local bookstore and get your copy of _The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner_, in which I tell my life story when I got bitten/recruited by the evil vampiress Victoria in her quest to destroy poor Bella Swan. And yes, Victoria is the evil bitch we all know that she is!

**Seth**: And that's all the time we have for the _La Push Show_! Tune in next time to see Jacquel confront an old boyfriend, Sam reunite with his father, and Quil's grandfather will be making an appearence! See you all later!

(_after the show goes off_)

**Embry**: Well, this bites!

**Jacob**: At least it was better than the last episode!

* * *

Well, next time, we'll be seeing how Bella's mother reacts to the news about her daughter being married to a vampire and even about Charlie's love life.

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called _I Got Twilighted_, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!

And also, I got a new poll up in my profile! Please read and vote!


	36. Jacquel is Stuck Among Horny Wolves

Eclipse the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Eclipse the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

**Jacquel is Stuck Among Horny Wolves**

Comments from "_Jacquel's Little Problem_"

_Ok, __now whose team am I really on? __Vampires orwerewolves? __Fangs or Fur? __Team Edward or Team Jacob? __As of now, I can't decide. __Whatever the results, I can assure you that things will get crazy. __There you have it._

_Comments:  
__**teddybear**: be on OUR side! __**  
ultimatewerewolflover**: no, side with us! we're hot and we run around without a shirt on!  
__**alphawannabe**: and you can even have sex with us if you want to!  
__**vampdoctor**: WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
__**entertainingyousince82**: chillax, guys! it's just a rhetorical question anyway! Geez!  
__**cooldude**: I told you._

(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING EPISODE HAS LOTS AND LOTS OF MAKING OUT IN IT! SO IF YOU'RE UNDER 18 AND HAVE NEVER SEEN THE WORD "_HORNY_" BEFORE...YOU JUST DID!)

PAUL

**Jacquel**: What shall I do today? I don't know, maybe a trip to La Push will settle my frazzled nerves. (_Paul sees her_)

**Paul**: Maybe a moment with me will calm you down. You look stressed.

**Jacquel**: I do. Pammy and Chutney are growing up too fast and even little Delicia is getting restless. And this baby that's living inside me right now is giving me a hard time!

**Paul**: Maybe you need this...(_they kiss_)

**Jacquel**: Are you sure?

**Paul**: Like Sam said in those comments, you can have sex with us whenever you want.

**Jacquel**: I'm not down with the sex part, but...

**Paul**: I know that. But I can still kiss you right?

**Jacquel**: Perhaps. (_they kiss_)

JARED

**Jacquel**: Well, not the way I planned it, but still...(_Jared sees her_)

**Jared**: You made out with Paul, hmmm?

**Jacquel**: I didn't exactly have sex with him, if you know what I mean.

**Jared**: You don't seem too happy right now. Maybe I can give you a rubdown.

**Jacquel**: Wouldn't that upset Kim?

**Jared**: She knows you can have sex with us whenever you want.

**Jacquel**: No way! I refuse to have sex with you wolves! You're all too freaking horny!

**Jared**: Only for you. (_they kiss_)

EMBRY

**Jacquel**: I didn't ask to be told I could have sex with those horny wolves! (Embry sees her) Now what, Embry?

**Embry**: So Paul and Jared got to you, didn't they?

**Jacquel**: What now, Embry?

**Embry**: Damn you; you are worse than those other girls!

**Jacquel**: Like how?

**Embry**: Most girls make me have lustful thoughts, but you...YOU make me just want to go up to you and bang you like tomorrow doesn't exist!

**Jacquel**: Really? But you're a werewolf and I'm a vampire.

**Embry**: Does it look like I care right now? (_they kiss_)

QUIL

**Jacquel**: (_attempting to put her hair back together_) Now how did I know Embry was horny for me? He could have just imprinted on me and got it over with! (_Quil sees her_) What do you want, Quil?

**Quil**: I'm upset.

**Jacquel**: Maybe you never should have imprinted on a small child in the first place.

**Quil**: That's my problem! I love Claire, but I can't always be playing with dolls and having tea parties with her! I'm a wolf, and I need sex!

**Jacquel**: Well, you won't be doing anything like that with me!

**Quil**: Yes you will! You're not 4 years old! You're a vampire! And besides, I need you!

**Jacquel**: Oh really?

**Quil**: Yes really! (_they kiss_)

SETH

**Jacquel**: I kind of feel bad for poor Quil, him having to wait until Claire is 18 before they can have any type of relationship other than friendship...(_Seth sees her_)

**Seth**: Quil?

**Jacquel**: Yeah. He's upset he has to wait a long time for Claire to grow up.

**Seth**: I kind of feel bad for him. Having to wait like that. At least it's not like having to wait for Bree. She's off to kick some Volturi butt.

**Jacquel**: Right. For revenge. And as for you...

**Seth**: I can be totally cool around the Cullens, but when I'm with you, I just...

**Jacquel**: Just what?

**Seth**: I can't describe it, but then again, you just make me want to...(_they kiss_)

JACOB

**Jacquel**, So I can imply that Paul is horny, Jared seems to be nonchalant, Embry needs a girlfriend, Quil is frustrated, and Seth wants to grow up. (_Jacob sees her_)

**Jacob**: You do realize that just because I imprinted on Renesmee and married Leah that you're not off limits to me.

**Jacquel**: Renesmee is going to kill you if you go near me.

**Jacob**: Come on, Jacquel. Whenever you show up in La Push, you make us wolves go all horny. And a horny wolf is very dangerous than an angry wolf.

**Jacquel**: Look Jake, I've already went through 5 near sexual encounters with Paul, Jared, Embry, Quil, and your brother-in-law! Now, don't make this #6!

**Jacob**: Jacquel, please! I need this! You make me go horny! It's just that Dr. Fang is here so we don't jump you and screw you into those nice couches Esme buys.

**Jacquel**: Right. Now...

**Jacob**: And don't give me any crap about you and I being related and stuff! (_they kiss_)

SAM

**Jacquel**: Out of all the wolves I encountered today, Jacob just HAD to be the ultra-horny one! (_Sam sees her_)

**Sam**: I see you decided to take up on our offer to have sex with us.

**Jacquel**: No, Sam, I'm not having sex with you or those other wolves!

**Sam**: Come on, Jacquel; you're no fun to be with! Even when you help us with the La Push Show, you NEVER let any of us so much as touch you!

**Jacquel**: Sam, I just like to keep myself...respectable.

**Sam**: And you just make us even hornier than ever! Emily and Kim are upset because Jared and I are demanding sex from them and Kim even said that it's your fault we are like that!

**Jacquel**: So what? You have mates!

**Sam**: But YOU are doing this to us! Can't you just give it up and let us love you? That's your problem, you never let anyone in!

**Jacquel**: Only because you didn't know I had my heart broken once. I swore to keep it under lock and key. THAT means I refuse to have sex with you or your wolfy brothers!

**Sam**: Well, since you're going to be like that, I'm afraid I have no choice but to do this! (_they kiss_)

(_After a long day of dodging attempts from the wolves to have sex with them, Jacquel makes her way back to the Cullen house_)

**Carlisle**: Long day, wasn't it, Jacquelyn?

**Jacquel**: Yes it was! All the freaking wolves were so freaking horny today!

**Carlisle**: I can't believe them! They wanted you to have sex with them, didn't they?

**Jacquel**: You better believe it! So far, I've dodged 7 bullets, but that won't last...(_Leah sees her_)

**Leah**: Jacquel, I'm feeling horny...

**Jacquel**: Uh, NO WAY! (_she rushes to her room_)

**Leah**: What's her deal?

**Seth**: She makes us all go horny for her!

**Jacob**: That's because she's a werewitch! Werewitches have strange powers, and she unknowingly plays upon us!

**Leah**: Meaning...

**Carlisle**: You all want to pursue her.

**Emmett**: Will no one hug me? Rosie isn't talking to me anymore! I need love too!

(_in her room_)

**Jacquel**: Why does every wolf want me?

**James**: You're irresistable. I shall make you mine!

**Jacquel**: Anything to get those horny wolves off my back!

**James**: Smelly wolves, eh? We'll show them that you belong to vampires! (_they kiss_)

**Jacob**: (_sees them_) Well, stupid vampires win this round, but she WILL be ours!

**Seth**: Ours too!

_To be continued..._

* * *

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **I Got Twilighted**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	37. Maria Returns to Claim Jasper and Emmett

Eclipse the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Eclipse the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

**Maria Returns to Claim Jasper and Emmett Fights Royce**

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING EPISODE MAY CONTAIN VIOLENCE! IF YOU'RE UNDER THE AGE OF 18, THEN GO JUMP OFF A COUCH BECAUSE WE CAN'T TONE IT DOWN FOR YOU!

**Jasper**: I wonder why Maria's here out of all the times she could have snatched me BEFORE I met Alice!

**Emmett**: And I wish I could beat up that Royce King jerk! he turned Rosie into a bitch!

**Carlisle**: Emmett, you are a Cullen, and you will NOT be getting revenge on anyone!

**Esme**: But what if it had been Charles?

**Carlisle**: Well, I would have severely intimidated him until he went insane. Still, I refuse to kill anyone.

**Maria**: (_showing up_) Not unless someone threatens to take away your youngest son?

**Jasper**: Maria? What in the Great Blue Skies are you doing here?

**Maria**: I'm taking you back, Jasper Whitlock! Back home toMexico!

**Alice**: Oh no you will not! You ruined Jasper's life. Now I'm going to mess yours up!

**Maria**: You would dare listen to that little pixie? Pixies are meant to be the toys of our coven!

**Alice**: You take that back!

**Maria**: Make me! (_they fight_)

**Emmett**: Royce, I know you're out there! Come out and fight me, you coward!

**Royce**: Awww...is the little hillbilly daring to take on a rich New Yorker? Not on your life! Now, where's Rosalie?

**Rosalie**: Royce, take one step towards Emmett and I'll kill you! Again!

**Royce**: But Rosie, I thought you loved me!

**Rosalie**: So did I, until you raped me and left me to die!

**Royce**: But Rosie, I was only kidding! And besides, I'm glad you cheated on that foolish rednecked boy with that savage Indian; maybe we can get back together...(_Emmett is now very angry. He pounces on Royce and strangles him_)

**Emmett**: Oh, so now you're a lying moron who wants to steal back my Rosalie? I may be a Cullen, but you have insulted me and my family for the last time! It's time for you to die! (_he totally beats the crap out of Royce. Rosalie and the Wolves see him_)

**Seth**: All right, Emmett!

**Embry**: Get him, Emmett!

**Rosalie**: No, Emmett, no!

**Jacob**: Kick his ass, Emmett!

**Royce**: Please don't hurt me! I never meant to hurt Rosie!

**Rosalie**: Oh shut up, Royce! You weren't thinking that when you beat me and left me to die in the streets!

**Emmett**: You like hurting women for kicks? I'm going to make sure that you never hurt another woman again in this life! (_Carlisle__ rushes out_)

**Carlisle**: He's really into it, isn't he?

**Sam**: Build a bonfire! Emmett's gonna rip this one up! (_Wolves rush off to build a bonfire_)

**Esme**: Emmett, no! Don't do this!

**Emmett**: You don't understand, Esme, he made Rosalie into who and what she is. He ruined her life. Now I'm going to end his!

**Royce**: For the last time, Rosalie, PLEASE tell that guy to stop hurting me and let me go!

**Rosalie**: Go to hell, Royce King!

**Emmett**: Don't worry, Rose; he will be! (_he tears Royce into pieces and throws him into the fire_) He'll never hurt you or any other woman ever again!

**Carlisle**: Well, can't say I'm disappointed with him, not especially what happened after I found Rosalie.

**Esme**: What can you say? He got what he deserved. (_Meanwhile, Alice and Maria are really fighting_)

**Alice**: You will NOT be stealing my Jasper! You and your filthy sluts will die! (_She tears Maria and her __henchwomen__ into pieces and tosses them into the bonfire_)

**Japser**: Can't thank you enough for saving me.

**Alice**: I can't let that woman take you away from me!

**Carlisle**: OK kids, I think that's enough violence for today. We're going home to have a peaceful evening.

**Sam**: And let this be a warning to anyone who dares mess with the Cullens: _we will show no mercy towards those who dare harm them or us_!

_To be continued..._

* * *

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **I Got Twilighted**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	38. The Cullens Discover Jasper is in The L

Eclipse the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Eclipse the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

**The Cullens Discover Jasper is in** "_The Last Airbender_"

(_on the __La Push__ Show_)

**Seth**: And now for a sneak preview...(_Emmett and two others come dressed as __Fire Nation__ soldiers. Jasper is standing dressed as__Sokka__. __World of Warcraft__ sounds play_)

**Sound effects**: All right, let's do this. LEROY JENKINS! (_Jasper lunges at Emmett, waving his club, but Emmett throws him into the wolves' seat, where Jacquel, Paul, Jared, Collin, and Quil are. They all take a flying leap off the seats_)

**Quil**: Well, I'm not sure what the heck they did the World of Warcraft thing for, but we will announce that THE LAST AIRBENDER is coming into theaters in time for the 4th of Julyholidays! (_audience cheers_)

(_after the show_)

**Emmett**: Jazz, you never told me you were in the movie!

**Esme**: So who are you playing?

**Jasper**: Sokka. (_everyone laughs their heads off_) What?

**Alice**: Jasper, Sokka is just a comic relief character! Those are quite useless in telling a story!

**Bella**: And besides, you're just too emo to play him anyway!

**Jasper**: I'll show you! (_he rushes to his room and puts his __Sokka __costume on_)

**Edward**: I think you all kind of insulted him.

**Carlisle**: Well...

**Edward**: The main thing to do is to support Jasper in whatever he does.

**Emmett**: Really?

**Edward**: Well, Jacquel's gotten into the spirit...(_they see __Jacquel __on TV dressed in an anti-__Racebending__ T-shirt and standing with a bunch of other anti-__Racebenders__ at a movie theater_)

**Jacquel**: Listen up, you Racebending dumbasses, we fans don't care about what you all think! In fact, you can all just go crawl under a rock and die! And if you all don't shut up, I'm gonna set the killer rabbit from "_Monty Python & __the__ Holy Grail_" on you!

**Emmett**: Woah, she's taking this very seriously!

**Jasper**: Not how the twins are...(_they see Donnie, Jeff, and Collin standing in a coffee shop. Donnie is dressed as __Kanye__ West, Jeff is dressed as Jake Sully, and Collin is dressed as __Aang_)

**Donnie**: (_as __Kanye_) Yo, Jake Sully, you're a really cool dude and I'm happy for you, I'mma let you finish, but Aang is the real Avatar!

**All**: Ooooooooohhhhhhh!

**Emmett**: BURN!

**Bella**: They're still doing that Kanye West "_I'mma__ let you finish_" thing? That's gotten old!

**Jasper**: But anyway, y'all better be coming out the see the movie or I'll tell Jacquel to set the bunny on you!

**James**: Oh we'll be there, won't we, guys? (_everyone nods_)

_To be continued..._

* * *

Notes: I highly recommend that you see "**THE LAST AIRBENDER**" (_preferably after seeing_ "**ECLIPSE**") bcause the guy who plays Jasper in **TWILIGHT** also plays Sokka in **TLA**.

BTW, his name is Jackson Rathbone.

* * *

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **I Got Twilighted**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	39. Bree Gets Total Revenge and Finds Diego

Eclipse the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Eclipse the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

**Bree Gets Total Revenge and Finds Diego and Fred**

**Bree: **Since those stupid jerks and their stupid helpers decided to tear me into pieces before I had a chance to live, I say let's teach the a lesson! Are you with me? (_Team Bree fans cheer_) Now, let's got to Volterra and kick their butts! (_they all go to Volterra_)

(from the **V****olturi Diaries** and **I Got Twilighted**)

**Aro: **That'll show them who's boss!

**Marcus: **Yeah, but I have a strange feeling that someone is going to be destroying us.

**Caius: **Like who? (_Just then, Bree shows up_)

**Volturi: **BREE?

** Bree: **Yup. My story's been written. Everyone's going to find out that you destroyed me even BEFORE I had a chance to live!

**Aro:** We're so sorry, Bree. Please don't use whatever powers you might have and destroy us!

**Bree: **Too late. Bring out...THE BREE-FANS! (_scores of angry young girls show up, all armed to the teeth with weapons. they are wearing T-shirts that said "TEAM BREE". They growl at the Volturi_)

**Jane: **I have a bad feeling about this.

**Felix: **Me too.

**Angry Bree Fan:** GET THEM! (_The Volturi scream as the Bree fans chase after them_)

**Aro: **Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! How did we not know that Bree would come back and destroy us?

**Caius: **We're so dead now!

**Bree: **I'm gonna make you all sorry you tore me to pieces in Eclipse! (_to Bree fans_) GET THEM AND BEAT THEM WITH WHAT YOU GOT!

**Marcus: **Yeah, we're doomed. (_Bree fans pounce on them and beat them up_)

**Bree: **(_to Jane and Felix_) Now, since you two thought it was cool to tear me into pieces, I'm gonna show you how stupid you both were! (_beats them over the head with a baseball bat_)

**Felix: **Hey, I said I was sorry! GEEZ!

**Jane:** Don't look at me...it's all Aro's fault!

**Bree: **So you ARE having an affair with Aro!

**Jane: **You little brat!

**Bree: **I should be saying the same thing about you, you bitch!

**Alec: **Don't insult my sister!

**Bree:** Shut up, you twat! You're no better than she is!

**Aro: **Bree, please don't hurt my guards!

**Bree: **Why shouldn't I? They tore me to pieces BEFORE I could make a safe choice about how to live my life!

**Carlisle: **(_coming out_) Aro? What the hell are you doing here?

**Aro:** Oh Carlisle! I'm so glad you're here to save me! This little minx here is terrorizing my guards! (_hugs Carlisle and kisses him_)

**Bree:** Uuuuuuggggghhhhh! What are you? Gay? (_whacks Aro over the head_)

**Aro:** Hey, that was mean!

**Bree: **So what? You're gay, you're stupid, you're disgusting, and I want an explanation as to why I wasn't allowed to make a choice!

**Aro: **I'm sorry. Now were you making a choice?

**Bree: **Yes!

**Jane: **And what choice is that?

**Bree: **I'm staying with Carlisle.

**Caius: **But why would you stay with him? He's an animal drinker!

**Bree: **I somehow think that he's much better than you'll ever be! So there!

** Marcus: **Now that Bree has made her choice, can we PLEASE go home?

**Bree fans: **NO! (_they continue beating up the Volturi_)

**Bree: **And now to find anyone else I know who might have survived...(_she sees Fred and Diego waving to her_)

**Fred: **Bree? Is that you?

**Diego:** Bree? You're still alive?

**Bree: **Yes. I taught those Volturi jerks a lesson they won't soon forget! (_in Volterra, where the Volturi were lying all over the throne room, with injuries that vampires don't get, like cuts and bruises and broken bones. Athenodora and Sulpicia are running around treating them and complaining about the mess the fans had left behind, such as broken glass and vulgar sayings written on the walls about Aro, Caius, and Marcus._)

**Aro: **I'm such a fool, right?

**Caius: **Yeah.

**Marcus:** I hope that any fans of Charlie Bone don't come after us.

**Caius: **If they do, then we're dead. (_Charlie Bone fans camp outside the castle, ready to beat up the Volturi_)

**Bree: **Well, now that they have all been beaten to a pulp, or close to it, wanna come over to the Cullen house?

**Fred:** You mean those yellow-eyed vampires that only eat animals and keep humans as pets? Heck yeah!

**Diego: **I'm in!

**Bree: **Great! (_they all leave_)

_To be continued..._

* * *

Notes: I just finished "**The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner**" and I thought Bree deserved a second chance at life. And I also wanted her to keep her friends so that's why I wrote this short piece. Right after she beats the crap out of the Volturi...and they are now in big trouble as far as CHarlie Bone is concerned...

* * *

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

You can come to my Twilight blog, which is aptly called **I Got Twilighted**, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	40. Mother Knows Best

Oh look! Bella's mom finds out about EVERYTHING! And boy, is she pissed!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 19: **Mother Knows Best**

(_what happens when Bella's mom finds out about EVERYTHING?_)

**Renee**: It's been a week since Bella's last email.

**Phil**: Ok, and why are you worried?

**Renee**: Because I hear that Bella has married a strange young man.

**Phil**: Yeah. That Edward guy. What parent names their kid Edward?

**Renee**: I would.

**Phil**: Indeed. And there is no word about her father.

**Renee**: Charlie? Well, I don't know.

******Phil**: I've been reading up about Charlie for a week now. Especially on that La Push Show.

**Renee**: What La Push Show?

******Phil**: The show where Charlie made that claim that he arrested those vampires for messing up his town and he even talked about his love life...

**Renee**: What love life?

******Phil**: Well, everyone was talking about Charlie's new girlfriend, Sue Clearwater and his friend Billy Black claims to have come from a tribe that assumes the form of a wolf...(Renee gets very angry)

(later that night)

**Charlie**: I guess I better check my messages...(turns on answering machine, only to get this message...)

**Renee's voice**: _CHARLES ANDREW SWAN, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT OUR DAUGHTER MARRIED A VAMPIRE? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT I HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER? AND WHY DO I HEAR RUMORS ABOUT YOU BEING FRIENDS WITH WOLVES? I'M GONNA COME TO FORKS AND STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT, JUST YOU WAIT_!

**Charlie**: Oh crap, I'm in trouble. (_Bella shows up_)

**Bella**: What's wrong, dad?

**Charlie**: Your mom just found out everything. We're dead.

**Bella**: Better her than them.

**Charlie**: Better them than your mother, Bells. I can humiliate those stupid vampires until the cows come home, but your mother is a different matter. Guess I better contact those Cullens...

**Bella**: Carlisle is in La Push right now; he can't talk for too long.

**Charlie**: I guess we better talk to Esme then.

(_in La Push_)

**Emily**: Samuel Levi Uley, I'mma La Push you off the cliff when this is over!

**Paul**: Big day, eh, Sammy?

**Sam**: Yeah.

(_at the Cullen house_)

**Leah**: Remind me to La Push Sam off a cliff after the baby is born.

**Seth**: Why?

**Leah**: He knocked me up, that stupid punk! Where's Jacquel? I hope she can use her witchcraft powers to get the baby out of me!

**Embry**: Jacquel's not a witch, Lee. And even if she is, she can't do anything about it now. She's too huge to move.

**Jacquel**: You're just lucky!

**Charlie**: (_shows up_) So any idea why Carlisle is in La Push?

**Seth**: Yup. Emily's having her baby and Leah's throwing a fit.

**Esme**: I'm in trouble because of those two. Could you contact Carlisle for me?

**Bella**: Esme, Renee knows we're vampires.

**Esme**: Oh, does she now?

**Edward**: Yes. We're doomed.

(_a few hours later_)

**Renee**: (at the Cullen's house) Look at this place, Philip! Isn't it grand?

**Phil**: Indeed it is, Renee. No wonder why Bella likes it here.

**Emmett**: (_sees Phil and Renee_) She's here! Run for your lives! (_and as they all run, something strange happens_...)

(_in La Push_)

**Carlisle**: (_holding a baby_) Congratulations, Emily, you and Sam are the proud parents of a healthy baby girl.

**Sam**: Indeed. I have a daughter. Where did I go wrong? (_Carlisle's cell phone rings_)

**Carlisle**: Hello? Esme? Anything good? You mean to tell me Bella's mother is here? And what about Leah? What? A boy? Her father? That's great! I'll be right over.

**Sam**: What happened to Leah?

**Carlisle**: She had a son.

**Sam**: WHAT?

(_Carlisle shows up at home_)

**Carlisle**: I'm so sorry I missed the birth of Leah's son. So Leah, what did you name him?

**Leah**: Harry Edward Clearwater, the second.

**Carlisle**: Indeed.

**Esme**: And guess who he shares a birthday with...twins! (_Carlisle sees Jacquel holding twin girls_)

**Jacquel**: Yeah. Who knew I had twins hiding in there somewhere. And they're both girls.

**Carlisle**: This has truly been a great day for our family; we are all here to witness the births of four babies, three who have joined our family...

**Leah**: What?

**Renee**: (_to Bella_) You know you could have told me about Renesmee; I had no idea that you and Edward wanted children.

**Bella**: Finally! A parent who isn't calling her by that stupid nickname Nessie!

**Renee**: And what's this I hear about your father dating Sue Clearwater?

**Edward**: Her husband died and Bella convinced Charlie that he should try to find love again.

**Renee**: Indeed. Charlie?

**Charlie**: Oh, and did I ever tell you that Bella and Edward are expecting their second child?

**Renee**: WHAT? CHARLES ANDREW SWAN, PREPARE TO DIE! (_she pounces on him and tried to strangle him and Edward tries to separate them_)

**Leah**: What do you mean Emily had her daughter the same day I had Harry?

**Carlisle**: Well, Emily decided to name her baby after you...

**Leah**: Oh this is the last straw! (_she gives the baby to Seth and phases. Sue shows up_)

**Sue**: I was coming here to check up on Leah...did she just phase?

**Carlisle**: Yes. She found out about Emily and Sam and their new baby...who they named after her.

**Sue**: Oh dear...(_she watches in shock as Edward and Emmett try to stop Renee from beating up Charlie_)

**Phil**: This is the best vacation ever! (_everyone glares at him_)

* * *

And so, we announce the arrivals of the new members of the Cullen/Black clan!

Next chapter, Jacob finds out about his son's birth, Renee asks way too many questions about the Cullens, Bree comes back from Italy, and the Volturi send gifts to Carlisle.

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called _I Got Twilighted_, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	41. The Twilight Christmas Special

And now for a Twilight-themed Christmas movie!

* * *

**The "I Got Twilighted" Christmas Musical  
****_a movie written by Jacquel C. on 12/24/2010  
_****_rated for mature viewers only_**

(setting: Christmas Eve at the Cullen house in Forks, Washington)

(we see the Cullen family running around the house a few days before Christmas. they are preparing for the Christmas party when Jacob shows up)

**Jacob: **Well, how's everyone doing?

**Carlisle: **Can't talk now, Jake. We have to get ready for the party that's happening tonight.

**Seth: **(coming in) Awww, no one wants to play with me!

**Emmett: **Yeah...I thought that this year, I would get to enjoy seeing my children.

**Alice: **Weren't we all?

**Emmett: **Well, you and Jasper have your children and Edward and Bella have their children; not to mention Jacquel's twin girls and Carlisle and Esme's children, but what about mine?

**Jacquel: **Oh yeah...Rosalie ditched us when that video about her and Jacob surfaced on the La Push Show.

**Jasper: **Yeah, Jacob. Why'd you have to ruin a good thing?

**Emmett: **You humiliated me when you and Rosie were...sleeping together.

**Jacob: **Oh quit your bellyaching!

**Bella: **Why don't you?

**Esme: **Now now, get along, you two! Can someone help me decorate the cookies?

**Seth: **Oh boy! Cookies! (makes a beeline towards the cookies)

**Jacob: **Who knew cookies could make a boy so happy?

**Bree: **Can it, Jake!

**Roger: **Hah! You are all forgetting something!

**Jacquel: **I know; let's go around and offend some people by saying "Merry Christmas"!

**James:** I agree. Let's sing Christmas songs and make everyone upset!

**Roger: **And what do Christmas songs have to do with offending people?

**Jacquel: **You'll see...

* * *

(in town)

Jacquel: I'm tired of always hearing HAPPY HOLIDAYS. I wish that people would grow some balls and quit worrying about offending someone and just say MERRY CHRISTMAS!

James: I know! The holidays aren't supposed to be happy at all!

Paul: Well, I have a remedy for that...(music turns on)

_Laurent: (singing) I heard that there's some people somewhere in America, they don't celebrate Christmas at all / they don't share the same beliefs that we all do / they don't worship God, and it's causing trouble for the rest of us today / so every December 25th I go to those jerks and say..._

_Paul: (singing) "Listen up you stupid jerks, MERRY (censored) CHRISTMAS! Put down those toys, hang some lights, and sing some Christmas songs! And guess what I just found out, it's Jesus's birthday today / and he's pissed because you never told him thank you for what he did for you / so get off your bloody high horses and celebrate the day!_

_Jacquel: (singing) Wizards don't celebrate Christmas, that I already know / they don't honor baby Jesus, which I think is rather dumb / they don't even know the Christmas story, which annoys me to no end / and that's why every December 25th I stand on the roof and shout..._

_Paul: (singing) "Listen up you stupid wizards, MERRY (censored) CHRISTMAS! Drop those wands, take off those robes, and have a Christmas party in your pajamas! And guess what I just found out, it's Jesus's birthday today / and he's pissed because you ignored him when he died for your sins / so get off your stupid broomsticks and celebrate the day!_

_James: (singing) And every vampire that I know, they do nothing but be all icky / and they cause trouble all the time, which I think is revolting / And when it comes to December 25th, all they do is drink people's blood / so that's why I go up to them and say..._

_Paul: (singing) "Listen up you bloody vampires, MERRY (censored) CHRISTMAS! Jesus is gonna kick all your asses for the people you killed in vain! And for your information, the holidays are also for you / so let's celebrate Jesus's birthday and MERRY (censored) CHRISTMAS to you!_

_All: (singing) So we go up to those who aren't Christian and say to them... "Get off your bloody high horses and MERRY (censored) CHRISTMAS TO YOU!"(applause breaks out and crowd cheers)_

Roger: Hah! Now THAT's what I call offending people! Are you all offended?

Random Citizens: Not until you showed up!

Random Woman: I still remember how you abused your son! (people yell at Roger)

Jacquel: Shall we be going?

Paul: We shall. (they leave)

* * *

(back home)

Carlisle: And once again, we're all fighting because...

Alice: Your father just HAD to do something stupid, like he did last year!

Jacob: Well, he thinks we shouldn't be getting along!

Sam: Yeah! We'll show him! (music turns on and he begins singing)

_the 1st thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Everyone: buying a Christmas tree!_

_the 2nd thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Charlie: bringing out the lights  
Everyone: and bringing home the Christmas tree!_

_the 3rd thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Billy: hangovers  
Charlie: setting up the lights  
Everyone: and setting up the Christmas tree!_

_the 4th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Carlisle: writing Christmas cards  
Billy: hangovers  
Charlie: setting up the lights  
Everyone: and decorating the Christmas tree!_

_the 5th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Sam, Jared, Brady, & Leah: wrapping up gifts!  
Carlisle: writing Christmas cards  
Billy: this wheelchair is hurting my butt!  
Charlie: setting up the lights  
Everyone: and decorating the Christmas tree!_

_the 6th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Sue: facing Bella's mother  
Sam, Jared, Brady, & Leah: wrapping up gifts!  
Carlisle: I hate Christmas cards  
Billy: I have a migraine  
Charlie: where are the extention cords  
Everyone: and decorating the Christmas tree!_

_the 7th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Embry: charities  
Sue: facing Bella's mother  
Sam, Jared, Brady, & Leah: wrapping up gifts!  
Carlisle: I don't know these people  
Billy: that's my eggnog  
Charlie: Bella, have you seen the giant wreath?  
Everyone: and decorating the Christmas tree!_

_the 8th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Delicia: I want Eclipse the movie on DVD  
Embry: charities, and what do you mean Bella's mother is coming over?  
Sam, Jared, Brady, & Leah: wrapping up gifts!  
Carlisle: writing Christmas cards  
Billy: where's the Tylenol  
Charlie: hey, these lights won't work!  
Everyone: and decorating the Christmas tree!_

_the 9th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Quil: what, no parking spaces  
Delicia: I don't want any toys  
Embry: ugggh, blasted charities  
Sue: I hate her husband  
Sam, Jared, Brady, & Leah: wrapping up gifts!  
Carlisle: why am I even sending a card to them  
Billy: hey, where's my snacks?  
Charlie: So that's where I put that giant snowglobe  
Everyone: and decorating the Christmas tree!_

_the 10th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Alice: very long lines  
Quil: nowhere to park  
Delicia: can somebody please buy me something  
Embry: get a job you homeless bum  
Sue: that woman's crazy  
Sam, Jared, Brady, & Leah: wrapping up gifts!  
Carlisle: I don't even know these people  
Billy: my stomach hurts  
Charlie: I'm almost done!  
Everyone: and decorating the Christmas tree!_

_the 11th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Jasper & Emmett: boring TV specials  
Alice: too many shoppers  
Quil: I can't drive around forever  
Delicia: I wanna watch a movie  
Embry: donations  
Sue: Renee's a witch, I hate her  
Sam, Jared, Brady, & Leah: wrapping up gifts!  
Carlisle: I can't stand these Christmas cards  
Billy: a Mountain Dew? seriously?  
Charlie: get a flashlight, I can't find the switch  
Everyone: and decorating the Christmas tree!_

_the 12th thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me:  
Edward: Singing Christmas carols  
Jasper & Emmett: lame holiday movies  
Alice: too many shoppers  
Quil: AAARRRGGGHHH!  
Delicia: (crying)  
Embry: I hate charities  
Sue: I can't believe that we're staying with them for dinner  
Sam, Jared, Brady, & Leah: putting the gifts underneath the tree!  
Carlisle: That's it! I'm telling everyone "Merry Christmas" on Facebook!  
Billy: Jacob, Embry, get along you two!  
Charlie: get out here, everyone, I'm about to throw the switch  
Everyone: and lighting up the Christmas tree!_

(at this point, Jacquel, Paul, Laurent, and James are home)

Carlisle: Did you get everything?

James: We sure did! Right over there, boys! (moving men bring in various gifts the four had picked up and set them under the Christmas tree)

* * *

(Renee and Phil on the road)

Renee: Phil, why did we agree to go to Forks for the holidays?

Phil: You wanted to see Bella, didn't you? And we both know that Bella refused to come to Florida for Christmas.

Renee: I wonder why. It doesn't have to snow in order to be Christmas.

Phil: Hey, let's sing a song!

Renee: Like what! (music turns on)

Phil: (singing)

_Charles got ran over by a hummer (hummer) trying to crash our party Christmas Day / Esme got a new car at the dealership, we had no idea that she could drive like that_

_he went drinking at the Lodge / paid his tab and swaggered out into the snow / he had it in his mind to crash the party / that was being thrown by Carlisle Cullen / but when he got the big house / he had no idea that Esme was lying in wait for him!_

_Charles got ran over by a hummer (hummer) trying to crash our party Christmas Day / Esme got a new car at the dealership, we had no idea that she could drive like that_

_We had no idea he'd end up as roadkill / we had no idea that Esme ran him down / and before he could get up and run / she took that car and ran him down a second time / Esme cried at his funeral / not just because the cops peeled him from the road / but all the money that should have gone to her / went to support his illegitimate kids_

_Charles got ran over by a hummer (hummer) trying to crash our party Christmas Day / Esme got a new car at the dealership, we had no idea that she could drive like that / we had no idea that she could drive like that / we had no idea that she could drive like that!_

Renee: Well, Phil, looks like Bella won't be inviting us back next year (Charlie pulls up in the cruiser)

Charlie: Uh, you do know that Charles is my name.

Phil: Yes?

Renee: Charlie, please excuse him, he knows not what he has done.

Bella: Uh mom? Please don't embarrass me this year...

* * *

(Leah refuses to go to Sam's party)

Leah: For the last time, I'm not going to Sam's party!

Jacob: Why not, Lee?

Leah: Sam is such an...ogre!

Jacob: You have become quite... since baby Harry was born.

Leah: Yeah. Now let's get going; Bella's Christmas party begins in a few minutes and I can't afford to be late.

* * *

(At Bella's party)

Leah: Well, Edward, why aren't you in the spirit? I mean everyone else is all happy and stuff, but you're not. Why is that?

Edward: You don't want to know.

Leah: Edward, you need to tell us something. What is bothering you?

Edward: It's that goddamned Harry Potter, that's what! (he storms out)

Leah: (to Bella) And you fell in love with him WHY? (Edward screams and tears up "Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows") Right.

Bella: Well, from the way I see it, he had had some bad memories about Harry Potter...(music turns on)

_Down in old Hogwarts all the wizards were mocking, / All the good Christian girls and the good Christian boys. / When the boy-who-lived busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death, Had a .22 in his hands and Budweiser on his breath. / From his glasses to his shoes he was covered with ammo, / Like the wizard's version of the great Rambo. / And he smiled at everyone as he began to laugh, / "Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!"_

_Bella, Jacob, & Phil: The night Harry Potter when crazy, / The night the boy wizard went insane! / Realized he'd been getting the short end of the life stick, / Something finally must have snapped in his brain._

_Jacob: Well, the school is gone now, he went and blew it up / Everywhere you'll find pieces of what once had been Hagrid. / And he tied up Gryffindors and he held the Slytherins hostage, / And he ground up poor Greyback into werewolf sausage._

_Phil: He got Filch and Umbridge with a World War 2 rifle, / And he slashed up Old Voldie just like Jigsaw. / And he picked up a blowtorch and he roasted Norberta. / And he took a big bite and said, "WOW! It tastes just like chicken!"_

_Bella, Jacob, & Phil: The night Harry Potter when crazy, / The night the Boy-Who-Lived went nuts. / Now there's no way you can walk around Hogwarts / Without steppin' in wizard guts!_

_Bella: Now you won't believe it, it's all over news / the BBC, CNN, and newspapers exploded / And as the names of all those who died were being recalled / we all wondered to ourselves oh why oh why oh why / Harry Potter used to be a good guy, / but now he's taken a walk off the crazy cliff / and all the while we are thinking / what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks was J.K. Rowling drinking?_

Leah: Whoa, sounds like that guy just went flat-out insane! I mean, all of the heroics must have gotten to him and he just cracked! (notices Edward) You must have had a very hard time dealing with Harry, didn't you?

Edward: Well, not as much as everyone else...(singing)

_Yes, Albus-Severus, now your daddy's doing hard time, / In Azkaban for that terrible crime. / Hey, tell your family not to cry anymore, / He'll be out of there within the next 50 years. / But now the Malfoys are seeing Dr. Phil and the Weasleys moved to muggle London, / And Snape got a new job working for the Queen. / And as for Hermione, she went to Hollywood, / and met up with M. Night Shyamalan to plot out the movie!_

_All: It'll be about...the night Harry Potter when crazy. / The night the boy wizard flipped. / all he wanted was a normal life, / Sounds to me like he was tired of getting' tricked. / Wo, the night Harry Potter went crazy. / The night the Boy-Who-Lived went insane, / he simply went downhill since "Deathly Hallows" / Something finally must have snapped in his brain. / Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain! / Tell ya, something must have snapped... in his brain!_

Leah: Wow! No wonder why you didn't want to talk about it! You must have been traumatised!

Edward: Yeah. I couldn't let Bella get involved with me.

Leah: I like you, Bella. A normal girl would have given up on Edward a long time ago, but you chose to keep on pursuing him.

Bella: And you...

Leah: Would have left his emo butt in the dust ages ago!

Embry: C'mon, Leah! We're gonna be late to the Nutty Nutcracker performance!

Leah: Crap! I just remembered! JAKE, SETH, WE GOTTA GET GOING NOW!

Jacob: Darn! (He and Seth grab their bags and rush out the door)

Leah: And here's the tickets to the performance...(hands out tickets and jumps into the car)

* * *

(doing the "Nutty Nutcracker")

Jacquel: Well, this is it, folks! We're gonna blow them all away!

Quil: Of course.

Sam: Wow! Look at how many people came here to see the play!

Paul: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Collin: It's just nerves, Paul.

Leah: We're gonna do great! I can feel it!

Billy: (rushing in) All right, guys, we've got 5 minutes to showtime! (everyone walks onto the stage to a huge audience)

* * *

_stand-by as the "Nutty Nutcracker" play is performing..._

* * *

(after the play)

Old Quil: Nicely done! Hah! The real Nutcracker Stage Production must be kicking themselves in the pants for being so gosh-darn expensive!

Random people: What a great play! I agree! Wonderful! (the Volturi show up)

Aro: I loved the play! It was so great!

Sam: Oh great! The gay leech is here!

Paul: So are the boring leech and the jerkfaced leech!

Caius: I heard that!

Jacquel: Let's go do the La Push Show Christmas special!

* * *

(the La Push Show Christmas Special)

Jacob: Merry Christmas, everyone! I am introducing the entire cast, which consists of Leah, Seth, Embry, Quil, Paul, Jared, Brady, Collin, and Sam! (audience cheers) And with that, we have a special guest and he will be singing a special holiday song with our hard-to-get star! (Jacquel and Emmett stand before microphones as the band begins to play. music plays)

_Jacquel: Last Christmas / I gave him my heart / But the very next day he threw it away / This year, To save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special_

_Emmett: Last Christmas / I gave her my heart / But the very next day she threw it away / This year, To save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special_

_Jacquel & Emmett: Once bitten and twice shy / I keep my distance / But you still catch my eye / Tell me baby / Do you recognize me? / Well / It's been a year / It doesn't surprise me / I wrapped it up and sent it / With a note saying I love you / I meant it / Now I know what a fool I've been / But if you kissed me now / I know you'd fool me again_

_Jacquel: Last Christmas / I gave him my heart / But the very next day he threw it away / This year, To save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special_

_Emmett: Last Christmas / I gave her my heart / But the very next day she threw it away / This year, To save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special_

_Jacquel & Emmett: A crowded room / Friends with tired eyes / I'm hiding from you / And your soul of ice / My God I thought you were / Someone to rely on / Me? / I guess I was a shoulder to cry on / A face on a lover with a fire in their heart / I was under cover but you tore me apart / Now I've found a real love, you'll never fool me again_

_Jacquel: Last Christmas / I gave him my heart / But the very next day he threw it away / This year, To save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special_

_Emmett: Last Christmas / I gave her my heart / But the very next day she threw it away / This year, To save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special_

_Jacquel: Last Christmas / I gave him my heart / But the very next day he threw it away / This year, To save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special_

_Emmett: Last Christmas / I gave her my heart / But the very next day she threw it away / This year, To save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special_

_Jacquel & Emmett: A face on a lover with a fire in their heart / I was under cover but you tore me apart / Maybe next year I'll give it to someone / I'll give it to someone special._

Leah: Oh, how heartbreaking! Clearly, Emmett has had his hear broken by that horrible witch Rosalie, isn't that sad? (crowd boos) And as for Jacquel, she too had been heartbroken by a false lover.

Jared: That's why she won't let us love her.

Kim: Jared!

Sam: Chillax, Kim!

Jacquel: That's all right, Sam. I'll be leaving now. (walks off the stage)

Seth: Crap, we got a little difficulty here, please stand by...

* * *

(BEEP)

* * *

**Carlisle: **Well, everyone, we have gathered together to reflect on what we have before we make sure that we get what we want.

**Esme: **What I most want is to see my poor lost baby one more time.

**Jasper: **I want Alice to be happy.

**Alice: **I want...to be a better parent to my babies.

**Chutney: **I just want my 2 front teeth.

**All: **What?

**Jacquel: **Awww, poor baby. (gives Chutney a hug)

**Chutney: **I just want to have my 2 front teeth! Is that too much for me to ask? (music plays)

_Ever__y body stops and stares at me / These two teeth are gone as you can see / I don't know just who to blame for this catastrophe! / But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!_

_All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, see my two front teeth! Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth, then I could wish you "Merry Christmas."_

_It seems so long since I could say, "Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!" / Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be, if I could only whistle (thhhh, thhhh)_

_All I w__ant for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, see my two front teeth. Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth, then I could wish you "Merry Christmas!" _

**(applause)**

**Jacquel: **Don't feel too bad, Chutney. You'll get two new front teeth and you'll never lose them as long as you live. (doorbell rings)

**Bella:** I'll get it! (Rosalie is standing at the front door with two small babies) Rosalie?

**Rosalie: **I just came to see Jacob.

**Jacob:** Present!

**Rosalie:** Here are your kids. (drops babies into Jacob's arms)

**Bree: **Uh, why do Jacob's kids look like Emmett?

**All: **What?

**Rosalie: **Yeah. That's Rosamett and little Emmie.

**Emmett: **Oh, Rosalie! I've been an idiot for pushing you away! I'm a wreck without you! Please forgive me! (bursts into tears)

**Rosalie: **Of course I forgive you, Emmett. (to Leah) And if you ever do that again...

**Paul: **Like what?

**Victoria: **She means exposing naughty videos about her and Jacob. And besides, I think we all need to learn to forgive each other.

**Jacob:** Really?

**Laurent: **Victoria is right. We need to forgive each other and remember that we are all capable of loving each other.

**Bella: **Yeah. I guess Laurent's right.

**Jasper:** I say we all give each other hugs. (everyone gives each other hugs. then Charlie and a mystery person show up at the door)

**Charlie:** I hate to interrupt your little "Dr. Phil" moment...

**Phil: **Hey, watch it, Chuck! I'm Phil!

**Charlie: **But I found a young man looking for an Esme Cullen...(Riley shows up)

**Riley: **Hey guys, I just met this guy and he says he's looking for you.

**Bree: **Why are you here?

**Riley: **To say I'm sorry for causing everyone lots of grief during Eclipse and to introduce you to my new friend. (Esme sees him and faints)

**All: **Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhh!

**Seth:** Welcome to the family!

THE END

* * *

Credits: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" plays as credits roll

Songs:

1. Merry (F***ing) Christmas: Mr. Garrison from South Park

2. The 12 Pains of Christmas: Bob Rivers

3. Grandpa Got Ran Over By A Beer Truck: Weird Al Yankovic

4. The Night Santa Went Crazy: Weird Al Yankovic

5. The Nutcracker Songs: Tchaikovsky

6. Last Christmas: Wham!

7. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth

* * *

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I'll be back with more Twilight fun soon!


	42. The April Fool's Day Prank Show

I hate to cut into a fic before Part 20, but the Annoying Nomads (James, Laurent, and Victoria) seemed to have taken over the story with some very bad pranks!

Rated PG-13 for bad pranks and annoying nomads!

* * *

_ Welcome to the first annual April Fool's Day Prank Show, in which Victoria Sutherland, James Witherdale, and Laurent De Ravin are going around pulling pranks on unsuspecting Twilight characters. _

First victim:_ Carlisle Cullen_

**Victoria: **What shall we do to Carlisle?

**James: **I think we should pretend that Laurent fell out of a tree and broke his leg.

**Laurent: **Juvenile!

**Victoria: **Not broken leg, but leg broken OFF!

**James: **Yes! Good idea!

**Laurent: **I'm not going to like this...

(_Later on..._)

_Carlisle is in his office when James and Victoria rush in._

**Victoria:** Carlisle, come quick! Laurent fell out of a tree and broke his leg!

**Carlisle: **Really?

**James: **He broke his leg clean off!

**Carlisle: **Well, in that case, I'll have to put it back on. Now, which tree did he fall out of?

(_back to Laurent, who did NOT break his leg at all_)

**Carlisle:** Laurent, are you all right?

**Laurent: **Yes, but YOU won't be! (_he, James, and Victoria throw apples at Carlisle_)

**Carlisle:** Hey, what gives?

**James: **Don't you know the old saying: "_an apple a day keeps the doctor away_"?

**Carlisle: **This is unfair!

**Laurent: **So is you falling for the oldest trick in the book! (_all three nomads laugh as they pelt Carlisle with apples_)

* * *

Next victim:_ Billy Black_

**Victoria: **Let's prank Billy!

**Laurent: **Victoria, we should not prank a poor man in a wheelchair! You have no heart!

**James: **It's just going to be a simple phone prank. (_holds up cell phone and dials Billy's number__)_

(_phone rings; Billy goes to answer it_)

**Billy: **Hello?

**James:** Is your refrigerator running?

**Billy: **Yes.

**James: **Then you'd better run and catch it!

**Billy: **WHAT?

**James: **(_laughs and hangs up the phone_)

**Victoria: **James, you're so mean!

**James: **I know. Let's prank that Riley Biers!

* * *

Victim:_ Riley Biers_

**Victoria: **This will be a snap! (_spots Riley_) Oh Riles?

**Riley: **What, Vic? Here for another go?

**Victoria: **No, but I think you and I should do a little game.

**Riley: **And the game is...

**James: **WORM ATTACK! (_he and Laurent throw worms at Riley_)

**Riley: **AAARRRGGGHHH! YOU TRICKED ME! YOU ARE SO GOING TO PAY FOR THAT! (_runs off_)

**Victoria: **Did you know that he hates worms?

**James: **Oh...OOPS!

**Laurent: **I pick the next victim!

**Victoria: **Like who?

* * *

Victim: _Bella Swan_

**Laurent: **I have a small boy who I will claim as Bella and mine love child.

**James: **Nice one!

**Victoria: **Oh, scandalous!

**Laurent: **You know it! (_Bella sees them_) Oh, Bella?

**Bella: **Laurent, what are you doing here?

**Laurent: **Bella, this is our son, Louis.

**Bella:** (_looks at little boy_) That's not my son!

**Laurent: **Oh, but he is!

**Leah: **(_sees them_) Are you three nicked in the head? Bella may be a brat, but she's no whore! You sicken me!

**Laurent: **But Bella and I had a wild passionate love affair during "_New Moon_" and we had a child. So here he is!

**Bella: **(_slaps him_) You stupid no-good idiotic moron! Who do you think you are? (_just then Renee and Phil show up)_

**Renee: **Has anyone seen little Louis? (_sees the boy_) There you are!

**All: **WHAT?

**Phil: **Yeah, we've adopted a little boy named Louis. Go figure. (_they take Louis and leave. Bella and Leah laugh at them_)

**Bella: **How does it feel knowing that this joke's on YOU?

**Laurent: **You win this round, Bella Swan, but I'll get you!

* * *

Victim:_ Angela Weber_

**Laurent: **This is not a good idea, James. We should not be doing this.

**James:** Yes we should. After all, our last prank backfired.

**Victoria:** Thanks a lot, Bella! You ruined a great joke!

**Angela:** (_sees them_) Hey, aren't you guys the Annoying Nomads?

**James: **We are NOT annoying!

**Laurent: **In fact, we are normal.

**Victoria: **And to prove that we are normal, we will be pranking YOU! (_the nomads spray silly string on her_)

**Angela: **You guys are weird!

* * *

Victim:_ Sue Clearwater_

**Laurent: **Is this a good idea?

**Victoria: **Just watch. (_James walks into Sue's kitchen dressed as Sue's late husband Harry_)

**James:** (_as Harry_) Sue?

**Sue:** Harry, is that you? No, it can't be. You're dead.

**James:** (_as Harry_) But I have returned to you, my dear! (_Sue runs out of the house screaming. James and Laurent laugh_)

**Laurent:** That was a good prank! (_sees Victoria texting someone on her cell phone_) Who are you texting?

**Victoria:** You'll see...

* * *

Victim:_ Charlie Swan_

**Victoria: **This is going to be classic! (_all three nomads watch as Charlie gets a text from Victoria_)

**Charlie: **(_reads text_) "_Ask Billy Black about his son. I mean his _**other**_ son.~V_"

**James: **Wait for it...

**Charlie: **All right! Who's idea of a joke is this?

**Laurent: **I say we leave before he finds out that we pranked him.

**Victoria: **Good idea. (_they leave his house_)

* * *

**Carlisle: **Stupid annoying nomads! I take it you have all been pranked by them? (_Charlie, Billy, Sue, Bella, Angela, and Riley agree_)

**Billy:** Let's get them! (_they all rush after the nomads_)

* * *

**James: **Hah! We are the greatest pranksters in the world!

**Laurent: **No one can catch us!

**Victoria: **We're better than everyone else! (_just then, the Cullens, Wolves, Charlie and Angela walks up behind them_)

**Carlisle: **Oh, is THAT so?

**Nomads: **Uhhh...

**Bella: **GET THEM! (_everyone throws pies at the nomads; nomads scream_)

* * *

Well, that's all for this episode! Now let's hope I can get chapter 20 off the ground!


	43. Back Home Again?

Well, what happened when Jacob and Bree return?

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 20: **Back Home Again?**

(_Two characters return and more fun stuff happens_)

**Bree**: (_walks into the house_) I'm back! Did anything good happen while I was gone?

**Rosalie**: Yeah. Leah phased and took off after her son was born.

******Bree**: Why?

**Embry**: (_shows up with Quil_) Blame Sam and Emily.

**Esme**: Why should we?

**Embry**: Because Emily stole her spotlight.

**Jacob**: (_walks into the house_) So where's Leah now?

******Quil**: Who knows?

**Renee**: And who is she?

******Emmett**: This is Bree. She's part of our family.

**Renee**: Your family?

******Jasper**: That's right. We adopted her.

**Jacob**: You never heard the story.

**Renee**: Really? Well, I hope someone can explain some stuff to me. Namely _Charles_...

**Charlie**: What? I have to explain everything?

**Bella**: You don't have to, dad.

**Renee**: Yes, he does! He had no right to hide this from me.

**Charlie**: Well, don't get mad at me! I mean, Billy and Carlisle have been hiding stuff from me as well, so blame them!

**Billy**: (_shows up_) I heard that!

**Renee**: YOU have some explaining to do!

**Carlisle**: Why?

**Renee**: Because Charlie shouldn't be hiding things from me!

**Bella**: Don't yell at him, mom; I do it too!

**Jacob**: Yeah! I hid things from Bella as well!

**Bella**: Like what? (_everyone stares at him_)

(_in La Push_)

**Emily**: Out of all the shenanigans that Leah could have pulled, this takes the cake! How dare she!

**Paul**: Leah's a witch!

**Jared**: Let's burn her at the stake!

**Sam**: We will do no such thing!

**Emily**: But what of her? She can't just skip out on us! I demand forgiveness!

(_back at the Cullen house_)

**Renee**: Now let me get the is straight: the Cullens are vampires, Bily and his tribe are wolves, and...

**Charlie**: There is a Volturi.

**Phil**: You mean those guys who got busted by Chuck last year?

**James**: Don't ever call him Chuck!

**Laurent**: Not unless you want to get beaten up by Chuck Norris!

**Seth**: So anyway, Aro sent you a gift.

**Carlisle**: What?

**Esme**: Really?

**Seth**: Yeah, it's for the babies.

**Jacquel**: It's no big deal. They're just little babies.

**Emmett**: Hey, guess what, everyone?

**All**: What?

**Emmett**: We're going to be in a movie!

**Bree**: Really?

**Quil**: Did anyone see the trailer for it? Pretty cool, huh?

**Jasper**: Well, any spoilers for the movie?

**Roger**: I saw that bedroom scene...pretty hot, huh?

**Bella**: Oh no you diddn't!

**Edward**: That was private proterty! How dare you?

**Emmett**: That's my joke! Give it back, you thief!

**Roger**: Thief? Well, I saw it on a YouTube video...

**Rosalie**: GET HIM! (_they all chase poor Roger around the Cullen house_)

**Jacquel**: Now what will I name my girls?

**Victoria**: Anything but Miley. I hate that little...

**Jacquel**: Good idea.

* * *

And that's the new episode in _I Got Twilighted_! What will Jacquel name the twins? How did Roger get a hold of the bedroom scene? And who will be the next couple to have their baby?

Next chapter, the gang prepares for the Breaking Dawn movie and characters from the Vampire Diaries show up!

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called _I Got Twilighted_, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	44. Breaking Dawn Movie Trailer

Did anyone see the new _Breaking Dawn_ trailer? The gang has, and here are their reactions...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 21: **Breaking Dawn Movie Trailer**

(_everyone has just watched the new Breaking Dawn movie trailer_)

**Jasper**: Well, that was kind of insane.

**Bella**: Insane? You mean intense!

******Emmett**: I agree. Why the intensity?

**Embry**: Because that's what makes the movie look so good. And besides, it's only the first half of the movie. Not like we're not going to get to see some action in the second half.

**Emmett**: I hope they don't do that fade-to-black thing they usually do in the movies...that's stupid.

**Edward**: Well, we only have a few weeks until the movie...how about we plan to crash the La Push Show when they do the movie?

**Alice**: Good idea!

******Bella**: I don't know, guys, Jacquel might suspect us...

******Emmett**: Which is why I invited Damon and Stefan to join us! (_Damon and Stefan walk into the living room_) Hey, guys!

**Damon**: Hey, Emmett. So you guys planning to crash a Breaking Dawn theme party?

******Jasper**: That's right. It's the La Push Show.

**Stefan**: You mean that show about the Wolves and how they humiliate the Volturi? I love that show!

**Damon**: Yeah, that show is so funny!

**Bree**: And why are they here?

**James**: Yet we have a bunch of vampires who look like sissies compared to me.

**Damon**: Well, looky here, Stefan, it's that "_bad boy_" James! What a douche!

**Victoria**: (_to Damon_) YOU'RE a douche!

**Riley**: (_to Victoria_) So are YOU!

**Carlisle**: Why are they here?

**Esme**: Don't look at me; I didn't invite them.

**Roger**: Great! More vampires! Shall I stake them?

**Everyone**: NO!

* * *

And that's how everyone viewed the Breaking Dawn movie trailer! Can you believe that its coming out in 2 weeks? I shall prepare for the funfiction movie tie-in that goes with the movie!

Next chapter, it's the La Push Show Halloween episode!

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called _I Got Twilighted_, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	45. The La Push Show Halloween Special

And now for the Halloween special...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 22: **The La Push Show Halloween Special**

(_a few days later, cameras are set up all over the place. a set of bleachers is set up in front of a stage. the audience (all wearing costumes) is whooping and cheering. Jacob comes out and announces_)

**Jacob**: (_dressed as Edward_) Live from Washington State, it's the La Push Show! (_audience cheers as he takes his place at a desk that was placed on the stage. Jacob pulls out a notebook and says to the audience_) I have the lineup: my wife, Leah (dressed as Bella); brother-in-law Seth (dressed as a pirate); my best friends Embry (dressed as a cowboy) and Quil (dressed as an alien); and the rest, which consists of Collin (dressed as the Green Lantern), Brady (dressed as a wizard), Jared (dressed as Captain America), Paul (dressed as Thor), and Sam (wearing a costume that hasn't been identified yet)! (_they show up and the audience cheers_) Hey, guys, what's with your costumes?

**Leah**: Jacob and i decided to dress up as Bella and Edward and they're dressed up as us!

**Edward**: (_sitting in audience dressed as Jacob_) I did NOT agree to this!

**Seth**: And I'm a pirate!

**Jacob**: Aren't you Jack Sparrow?

**Seth**: Uh, there should a "_Captain_" that comes before Jack Sparrow. (_to Embry and Quil_) What are you dressed as?

**Embry**: I'm a cowboy.

**Quil**: I'm an alien.

**Bella**: They're doing _Cowboys & Aliens_.

**Brady**: Figures. I'm just a wizard.

**Collin**: I'm the Green Lantern.

**Jared**: I'm Captain America.

**Paul**: I'm Thor.

**Sam**: And I'm Samuel L. Jackson in one of his movies.

**Jacob**: And there you have it, folks...(_just then a scream is heard_) What was that? (_Carlisle is seen screaming as a bunny attacks him_)

**Carlisle**: help! I'm being attacked by the killer bunny!

**Jasper**: Oh no! It's killing him! Run away! Run away! (_Jacquel shows up in a bunny costume_)

**Sam**: Bunny?

**Jacquel**: I'm not the Playboy bunny; I'm the killer bunny!

**Jacob**: From Monty Python? Well, we had better make sure she doesn't kill us then! Anyway, lets see what everyone else is wearing at the Cullen house. (_spotlight on James, Riley, and Laurent, who are dressed at the Volturi_)

**James**: I'm Aro.

**Riley**: (looking angry) I'm Caius.

**Laurent**: And I'm Marcus. (_just then, Emmett shows up dressed as a cop_)

**Emmett**: And I'm a cop. You three are under arrest for disturbing the peace of the La Push Show! Now come quietly!

**James**: Ugh! You stupid cop!

**Laurent**: Stupid cop, we just wanted to watch the La Push Show!

**Riley**: One day, we will eat you! (_all three are taken away by Emmett the cop_)

**Jacquel**: Now that that's over, let's have a look-see at what everyone else is wearing. (_just then, a fat man with blond hair dressed as Hercules shows up_)

**Fat man**: Greek mythology is better; we have lots of superheroes!

**Paul**: Norse mythology is better; we kick butt and take names!

**Fat man**: Oh yeah!

**Paul**: Yeah!

**Fat man**: Bring it on! (_he and Paul fight_)

**Leah**: Well, my outfit is kind of plain-looking...(_to Bella_) why didn't you dress like those trendy girls?

**Bella**: Because trendy girls are evil! (_audience gasps and a man is thrown into the studio. Delicia is heard screaming_)

**Delicia**: And what's wrong with my costume? (_she is dressed as Smurfette_)

**Quil**: Know this, everyone: make fun of Delicia's costumes and you will die!

**Jacquel**: (_notices Delicia_) Oh dear...BRB! (_she runs backstage to change_)

**Embry**: What's gotten into her?

**Quil**: I don't know. But anyway, I have to go; I promised Claire I take her trick-or-treating tonight...(_audience groans_) It's not fair that I have to miss all the fun just because I imprinted on a 3-year-old! Uuuuugggghhhhh! (_Claire laughs as Quil takes her and leaves the studio_)

**Jacquel**: (_now wearing a Pan Am style costume_) Welcome to the La Push Airlines...please keep all hands and feet inside the plane at all times...here we go!

**Esme**: Pan Am?

**Jacquel**: Well, Delicia won't respect me if she sees me in that sexy bunny costume. And besides, I'm taking her trick-or-treating as well...(_she takes Delicia and they leave. Renesmee comes dressed as a cop_)

**Bella**: (_to Charlie_) You dressed her as a cop?

**Charlie**: Well, since you are dressed as Leah, I decided why not dress my grandchild as a cop?

**Edward**: Come on, you two...(_takes Bella and Renesmee and they leave the studio_)

**Jacob**: With Quil, Jacquel, and Edward and Bella gone trick-or-treating with the kids, I say we have a little fun here…(_notices Billy_) And you are…

**Billy**: I'm Professor X.

**Charlie**: And I'm Magneto.

**Sue**: I had them dress up as those guys from X-Men. And Leah, Emily wants to speak to you.

**Leah**: About what? (_Emily walks into the studio dressed as Babydoll from Sucker Punch. She is not happy_)

**Emily**: Leah?

**Leah**: Yes.

**Emily**: What is this crap?

**Leah**: Well, I would have worn this costume if Jacob didn't suggest that we dress as Bella and Edward. And besides, it looks better on you anyway!

**Sam**: I'll say...

**Emily**: I'm going to kill you, Leah Blackwater! (_pounces on Leah and they fight_)

**Jared**: And we're going to let you all know that...(_he and Paul stand with Sam_)

**Paul**: Where's Jasper?

**Jasper**: Here I am! (_shows up dressed as Iron Man_) _The Avengers_ is coming out in theaters next summer! (_audience cheers_)

**Jacob**: Well, that's all the time that we have for this show...so, happy Halloween...(_just then, a bunch of angry trick-or-treaters show up and throw carrots at Emily_) Why are you kids here?

**Trick-or-treater**: That woman is no good! She gave out carrots instead of candy!

**Leah**: Emily? You're…***that*** person? I'm ashamed to be related to you! (_storms off_)

**Emily**: But candy rots your teeth out, and besides, carrots are better for you...(_just then, Jacquel shows up, bloated and puffed up_)

**Jacquel**: No they're not! I just saw them in Pammy's, Chutney's, and Delicia's treat bags and now I have to visit the emergency room...on Halloween! (_trick-or-treaters look at Jacquel and scream in horror. Jacquel is taken to the hospital_)

**Jacob**: And the moral of this story is...never give out anything but candy on Halloween! Now, payce out and have a fun and safe Halloween! See you all later!

(_after the show goes off_)

**Embry**: What a disaster!

**Jacob**: Wait until the next show.

* * *

And that's the _I Got Twilighted Halloween Special_! Have fun, everyone!

Next chapter, we'll be doing the Breaking Dawn 5-part extravaganza...in 19 days!

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called _I Got Twilighted_, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	46. The I Got Twilighted Wedding Day Extrava

Breaking Dawn part 1 the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Breaking Dawn part 1 the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 23: **The I Got Twilighted Wedding Day Extravaganza**

**Jacob: **Hello, and welcome to the Twilight Wedding Day Blog Post Extravaganza! I'm going to be telling you all about what happened on the day that Edward and Bella got married.

**Seth: **And also, did you know Jacob was caught making out with some random girl at the reception?

**Leah: **And I thought you cared about Bella!

**Jacob: **Why you guys so mean?

**Leah: **Shut it, Jake!

**Seth: **Anyway, here's what happened at the wedding:

* * *

**BREAKING DAWN WEDDING**

**Leah: **Wasn't that a great wedding?

**Jacob: **Too bad Bella's going to become a bloodsucker's wife. She should have chosen me; I could have given her so much more.

**Leah: **Get over yourself, Jake. Bella never would have chosen you; she just wanted you as a friend. Or would you like me to tell you what Seth saw?

**Jacob: **What?

**Leah: **Seth told me you decided to trick Bella into kissing you in order to stop you from killing yourself.

**Jacob: **So what? I wasn't going to let her just run off and marry that stupid Edward!

**Leah: **Grow up, Jacob! You can't just force a girl to like you. If Bella had liked you, then you wouldn't be acting stupid, now would you? And if Edward were in your position, he'd let her choose whoever she wanted. So shut up and give up.

**Embry: **Oh-ho, BURN!

**Jacob: **At least I'm not a bastard child.

**Embry: **WHAT DID YOU SAY?

**Bella: **Jake! Were you trying to skip out on my wedding?

**Jacob: **Bella, are you and Edward going to have kids?

**Charlie: **Well, are you?

**Edward: **I hope not.

**Esme: **Why not?

**Edward:** I don't know if I would be a good father.

**Carlisle: **But I am a good father, Edward. And I know for sure that you and Bella would be great parents.

**Billy: **We must see what your kid looks like. All in favor of an Edward-Bella baby?

**Crowd: **(_cheers_)

**Bella: **Jacob, if you mess this up like you did in the book, I won't hesitate to beat you up.

**Sam: **And we're not going to help you this time, Jake.

**Leah: **Yeah, so no imprinting on the kid or I'll destroy you and beg her forgiveness later.

**Seth:** Yup, so you better shut up and let nature take its course.

* * *

**Jacob:** Well, we can't describe to you the honeymoon or the hot bedroom scenes; Sue would kill me if Seth saw the video, but anyway, here's the real story about what happened in _Breaking Dawn_...

* * *

**CULLEN HOUSE**

**Bella: **I'm tired, I'm depressed, and I feel so...FAT! (_bursts into tears_)

**Rosalie: **Don't worry, I'm sure it will end well for you.

**Bella: **Shut up, you disgusting blond bimbo! I can't believe you doomed Emmett to a life of vampirism just because he reminded you of little Henry! That's disgusting!

**Leah: **Yeah, tell her, Bella!

**Bella: **And when that baby is born, I want you OUT of here! (_Charlie shows up_)

**Charlie: **Hi Bells. What's new?

**Bella:** I'm fatter than Aunt Faye, that's wassup!

**Charlie: **Don't feel too bad, Bella.

**Bella: **Really? (_just then, she goes into labor_) Edward? I think the baby's coming!

**Edward: **Indeed. Somebody find Carlisle; we've got to seal off the house and make sure that any witnesses don't throw up. (_Carlisle shows up and they rush Bella to the back of the house_)

**Charlie: **Is she going to be OK?

**Billy: **Let's hope so.

* * *

**Jacob: **Well, let's just say that this part will cause some people to snicker...

**Seth:** But what about Renesmee?

**Leah: **Don't worry, she'll be in the story as well.

* * *

(_Carlisle walks into the living room, where Cullens and Quileutes alike have gathered_)

**Charlie: **So, what's the damage?

**Carlisle:** It's a girl...and a boy. Bella is doing fine. (_all breathe sighs of relief_) Would you like to see her now?

**Charlie: **Yes, we would. (_the group gets up and walks into the room where Bella and the babies are_)

**Seth: **Awwww, they're so cute!

**Paul:** You think all tiny things are cute.

**Seth:** Shut up, Paul!

**Jacob:** (_stares at baby Renesmee_) Well, the good news is, they're not dangerous.

**Sam: **But the bad news is, you just imprinted on the girl.

**Jacob: **Oh come on! Really?

**Leah:** Well, way to go, Jakey! You managed to eff up the story! Again! (_stares at Edward junior_)

**Edward: **His name is Edward junior and he thinks you're very pretty.

**Leah: **Huh? (_just then, the gravity of the situation hits her_) Oh no! I imprinted on Bella's baby!

**Bella:** (_glares at everyone_) Jacob? Leah? I'm going to kick your asses!

* * *

**Jacob: **And that's the story. Thanks for coming to the extravaganza.

**Leah:** Now if you'll excuse us, we need to run away before Bella kicks both our butts! (_Bella chases after them and_ _they flee, leaving Seth behind_)

**Seth:** This is unfair, guys! I'm not taking the blame for your screw-ups!

* * *

And that's the _I Got Twilighted Wedding Day Extravaganza_! Have fun, everyone!

Next chapter, we'll be doing a special movie which mixes Twilight and the Hangover. See you soon!

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called _I Got Twilighted_, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	47. The I Got Twilighted Bachelor Party

_Breaking Dawn part 1_ the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since _Breaking Dawn part 1_ the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 24: **The I Got Twilighted Bachelor Party**

(_The story takes places about a week before Edward and Bella's wedding. Only Edward isn't about to have a bachelor party._)

**Edward:** But I don't want to have a bachelor party!

**Emmett: **Sure you do, Ed. bachelor parties are fun!

**Edward:** Easy for you to say, Emmett. You just want to act wild and have fun.

**Jasper:** That's your problem, Edward. You never like to have fun. You're way too serious.

**Edward:** How do you know, Jasper?

**Jasper:** I see you and I feel the non-fun vibes rolling off your shoulders. You need to cut loose.

**Emmett:** Remember, it's your last week as a free man!

**Edward:** Emmett, grow up. I've been thinking and now I don't want to have a bachelor party.

**Emmett: **C'mon, Ed, you're no fun! And besides, the best man throws the bachelor party! And since I'm the best man, I throw the party.

**Jasper: **And we invited some friends. Now get your coat on, we're going! (_just then, Sam, Paul, and Jared show up_)

**Emmett:** Hey guys, glad to see you here! Ready to go?

**Paul: **Go where?

**Emmett:** Edward's bachelor party, of course!

**Sam:** Since when do vampires have bachelor parties?

**Jared:** Do they really?

**Paul:** Bachelor parties are for those who are celebrating the end of their single life. Edward will no longer be single, so they're planning a party for him.

**Sam:** What? You think Edward's gonna get drunk and make out with random girls?

**Edward: **NO! I will NOT be getting drunk and making out with random girls! I love Bella and no other girl! (_hisses at Sam_)

**Sam:** OK, dude, chillax. It was only a suggestion.

**Jared:** Let's go to a club. A club for all single men who are getting married in about a week.

**Emmett:** Good idea. Let's all get drunk and humiliate poor straight-laced Edward! He'll never see it coming!

* * *

(_at Charlie's house_)

**Charlie:** A bachelor party?

**Emmett:** Yup. Edward needs our help to loosen him up. He's too uptight.

**Charlie:** Are you sure?

**Emmett:** Of course. Why don't you bring your friend in a wheelchair, get him out of the house.

**Charlie:** Well...

**Emmett:** He's backing out! Jasper, let's grab him! (_he and Jasper grab Charlie and Billy and bring them to the jeep_) Let's go!

* * *

(_at a club_)

**Charlie:** Do your parents know that you are out at night?

**Emmett:** Please? We're well behaved. We don't cause no trouble!

**Edward:** You do, Emmett.

**Emmett:** And besides, since we're vampires, we can live it up all we want and not worry about the consequences!

**Billy:** For once, I'm glad Bella's not marrying you. You're too goofy.

**Jasper:** What's wrong with being goofy?

**Emmett:** I'm not being goofy, I'm just Emmett.

**Sam:** Yeah. Emmett, the great overgrown 5-year-old.

**Paul:** Sam...

**Sam:** Oh come on, Paul! We gotta cut loose! Since there's no vampires around here except for the Cullens, we've earned the right to live it up for a little while!

**Jared:** And besides, we need to show Edward how to have fun. He's too serious.

**Paul:** As in "_why so serious_?"

**Edward:** Not funny.

* * *

(_at this point, everyone is almost drunk_)

**Charlie:** Word of advice, Edward: don't let Bella get away from you. I made the same mistake with her mother, so don't you dare let Bella go for a second. Chase after her and beg her to come home.

**Edward:** Is he drunk?

**Emmett:** We're all drunk! It's a party, so of course we're getting drunk! Isn't it fun?

**Edward:** No.

**Billy:** I've got some advice for you, Edward: never cheat on Bella, for it will break her heart. I made the same mistake with my wife, and I paid for it with her death. So whatever you do, stay true to her, OK?

**Sam:** Well, this is kind of odd. I guess I'm going to log that away until later.

**Paul:** You mean blackmail?

**Jared:** Word of advice, Edward: don't be afraid to cut loose every once in a while. And I don't mean just hunting or whatever it is that you vampires do...(_James and Laurent show up_)

**Emmett:** Hey, didn't we just get rid of you guys in the last story?

**James:** You can't get rid of us! We are the Nomads!

**Paul:** Don't you mean the Annoying Nomads?

**James:** We are NOT annoying.

**Laurent:** In fact, we are normal.

**Jared:** If you're normal, then prove it!

**Laurent:** Very well. Let us call for some sexy dances and make them dance for Edward.

**Edward:** NO! I will NOT be entertained by any other women! Can't you stupid Nomads take a hint?

**James:** Edward, Edward, Edward, you have to loosen up. You're so uptight.

**Laurent:** Yes, Edward. Cut loose, just like that guy over there...(_the group turns and sees Billy dancing around before a group of young girls_)

**Edward:** NO! Tell me you did NOT just tell him to go perform for those girls! (_rushes off to stop Billy_)

* * *

**Charlie:** Where's Billy?

**Emmett:** There...(_points to Billy, who is arguing with Edward_)

**Charlie:** Better go find him...(_leaves the table_)

**Paul:** Stupid annoying nomads...don't they have anyone else to bother?

* * *

**Edward:** Why are you degrading yourself for the pleasure of these young girls?

**Billy:** Come on, Edward, they all assumed that I was one of the dancers and they asked me to dance for them. What's so bad about that?

**Edward:** How's about I flip you out of your wheelchair! Would they like that? (_chases after Billy_)

**Billy:** Oh no! Help! Help me, Charlie! Help! (_Charlie shows up_)

**Julia:** Oh great! A cop is here!

**Sabrina:** And he's a real cop too!

**Charlie:** Well, someone called for help. I'm just simply doing my job. That is helping people. (_catches Billy and Edward_) Now what seems to be the problem?

**Edward:** Your friend here chose to degrade himself...

**Billy:** I was just performing for these young ladies here and he starts wailing about "_morals and righteousness_"...

**Charlie:** Any of you young ladies care to describe to me what happened?

**Roxanne:** Well, our previous dancer was kicked out the club for being too "_ugly_", so at the last minute, he shows up.

**Charlie:** Right. Now, which one of you is getting married?

**Jacquel:** Me.

**Sam:** How old are you?

**Jacquel:** Do you seriously have to ask?

**Julia:** Forgive her, she's been a huge knot of nerves since her engagement and also, we're all kind of pissed because our friend Hermione bailed on us at the last minute.

**Billy:** Your friend sucks. What kind of friend bails on you at your bachelorette party?

**Edward:** We need to get going now.

**Charlie:** Why? (_they see Emmett being surrounded by sexy dancers_)

**Edward:** Rosalie is going to kill him! (_rushes back to their table_)

**Sam:** This is turning out to be a fun night, am I right?

* * *

**Edward:** Emmett, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you forgotten about Rosalie?

**Emmett:** Oh, Edward, loosen up! And besides, we can just pretend that I'm not married to Rosalie for just one evening, right?

**Jasper:** And besides, Rosalie would kill any woman who dares speak to Emmett.

**Edward:** But still...

**Emmett:** I love Rose, but I would like it if I could just get a break from her every once in a while. When you get to be married, you'll understand what I mean.

**Edward:** I can hear it in your thoughts...(_just then, they notice Billy on the microphone_)

**Billy:** Yup, that's him, that's Edward Cullen. He's marrying my friend Charlie's daughter...

**Paul:** Crap! We gotta stop him before he airs out our dirty laundry! (_he and Jared rush up to the stage, grab Billy, and take off toward the exit_)

**Sam:** We have to go now! (_the others take off as well_)

* * *

**Jacquel: **You know what? I'm now beginning to have second thoughts about marrying Callie.

**Sabrina:** Good for you.

**Julia:** He doesn't seem to care about you anyway.

**Roxanne: **There's got to be another way for you to get on the fast track instead of marrying Callie.

**Jacquel: **I wish. Now let's get out of here; I'm starving and I want to eat right now. (_they leave the club_)

* * *

**Edward:** (_driving the jeep_) This is bad, real bad. Stupid nomads...

**Emmett: **You mean stupid Annoying Nomads.

**Jasper:** Who do they think they are, crashing our party like that? We should give them what for!

**Paul:** I agree! Let's tear them apart!

**Jared: **Not while there's people around. And besides, we still have the night to ourselves, so let's live it up!

**Edward: **You can live it up all you want, but I'm going home.

**Emmett: **Not tonight! Tonight, you're in the city!

**Edward: **Oh why me?

_to be continued_...

* * *

And that's the _I Got Twilighted Bachelor Party_! Have fun, everyone!

Next chapter, we'll be doing the _I Got Twilighted Bachelorette Party_. See you soon!

There's more on my Twilight blog, which is aptly called _I Got Twilighted_, because I'm hanging out with vampires and werewolves instead of with wizards. link: http:/igottwilighted. blogspot. com/ (just take out the spaces).

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	48. The I Got Twilighted Bachelorette Party

_Breaking Dawn part 1_ the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since _Breaking Dawn part 1_ the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 25: **The I Got Twilighted Bachelorette Party**

(The story takes places about a week before Edward and Bella's wedding. Bella isn't too sure about having a bachelorette party.)

**Bella**: Are you sure that this is a good idea?

**Alice**: Sure it is, Bella. We need to have one more hurrah BEFORE you marry my brother.

**Bella**: But still, I'm not too big on getting drunk and making out with other guys.

**Rosalie**: Yeah, that's just plain wrong and stuff.

**Alice**: Guess who's coming to your party?

**Bella**: Let me guess: you, me, and Rosalie. (_Seth shows up_)

**Seth**: Seth! (_the girls glare at him_)

**Bella**: Uh, Seth, this is a bachelorette party, and it's for girls only. Which means that there's no boys allowed.

**Leah**: Yeah. So you'll have to stay home.

**Seth**: Awww, no fair! How come Edward gets to have a bachelor party and I don't?

**Alice**: Because you need to get married first, that's why.

**Rosalie**: So, let's all get ready to go. (_girls head out the door_)

**Seth**: This is so unfair! I want to come to Bella's bachelorette party and she won't let me!

**Emily**: Go where?

**Seth**: Bella's bachelorette party!

**Emily**: Since when do vampires have bachelorette parties?

**Seth**: Since Alice and Bella didn't invite me to their party. And guess what? Leah went with them!

**Emily**: I see. Let's go follow them.

* * *

(_at a restaurant_)

**Rosalie**: Here's what we'll do: we'll go have dinner, walk around town and drop our purses and force guys to pick the m up for us, and play skeletons in the closet.

**Bella**: Are you sure this is what they do at bachelorette parties?

**Alice**: Clearly Rosalie has been watching way too many chick flicks.

**Rosalie**: I do not!

**Alice**: Do too.

**Leah**: Well, shall we start with the dinner?

**Bella**: Good idea. (little do they know that Seth and Emily are watching them)

**Seth**: Look at Leah; she thinks she can just joke around with the girls and not realize how much she dislikes Bella. Who does she think she is?

**Emily**: And the fact that Leah didn't invite me to go with her is an insult to me!

**Seth**: I know! Now look at them; I hope Leah's having fun tonight because if word of this gets out, Sam will NEVER forgive her!

**Emily**: Blackmail! (_she snaps a picture of Leah and the girls with her cell phone_)

* * *

(_at a club_)

**Rosalie**: Did you see that guy's face when I practically forced him to pick up my purse?

**Bella**: Indeed! I kept imagining that the poor sap picking up my purse was Jacob!

**Leah**: I thought about Sam. I mean, that was funny!

**Alice:** Oh, look, dancers! (_dancers show up and the girls give them some money_)

**Leah**: Word of advice, Bella: do NOT under any circumstances let Edward be with another woman. I made the same dumb mistake when I introduced same to Emily, and they hooked up. Don't let this happen to you!

**Rosalie**: Well, I guess my own story is a bit useless compared to yours.

**Bella**: It's not. I mean, I know Edward isn't going to hurt me the way Royce King hurt you.

**Alice**: I know. But then again, Edward had kept a secret that even I don't know about. He's not the kind of guy who keeps things away from us.

**Leah**: Like when Rosalie told him that Bella was dead and he tried to commit suicide?

**Bella**: I already told you; I was cliff diving. (_Rosalie and Alice glare at her_)

**Leah**: Don't glare at her just because she got into extreme sports! Sometimes, we wolves need a rush of cold water to the head. I'll just toss you two into the Puget Sound so you can get a taste of the rush for yourself.

**Alice**: You would dare!

**Leah**: I would.

**Seth**: I would like to toss Leah into the Puget Sound as well.

**Emily**: Me too.

* * *

(_Later on_)

**Bella**: Well, that was a fun night.

**Alice**: I'll say.

**Rosalie**: But someone isn't too happy to see us…(_they see Seth and Emily glaring at them_)

**Leah**: Seth? Emily? What are you two doing out here?

**Emily**: We should be asking you the same thing, Leah Clearwater.

**Leah**: Such as…

**Emily:** Why didn't you invite me to Bella's bachelorette party?

**Leah:** Because I just wanted to have one night without having to look at your scratched-up mug. Is that so much for me to ask?

**Emily:** Oh why I ought to…(_she and Leah get into a huge catfight_)

**Bella:** Hey, don't fight, you two! This isn't right! You're cousins and you should act like it!

**Seth:** Forget it, Bella. They'll never listen to you. It's the only way the'll learn. (_Alice and Rosalie nod_)

**Bella:** GAAAAHHHHH!

* * *

And that's the _I Got Twilighted Bachelorette Party_! Have fun, everyone!

Next chapter, we'll be doing the _I Got Twilighted: After the Wedding_. See you soon!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	49. After the Wedding

_Breaking Dawn part 1_ the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since _Breaking Dawn part 1_ the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 26: **The I Got Twilighted Secial: After the Wedding  
**

(_The story takes place after Edward and Bella's wedding. Edward and Bella are on their honeymoon while the others have a very big fight regarding the bachelor and bachelorette parties_)

**Alice**: Well, Sam, I hope you're proud of yourself!

**Sam**: Why are you saying this?

**Paul**: Yeah, what gives?

**Alice**: Leah and Emily got into a fight on the night of Bella's bachelorette party, that's why!

**Jared**: Really?

**Leah**: Speak for yourself, Jared! Why did you guys bring Edward to a club? You know Edward doesn't want to get drunk and making out with other girls!

**Jacob**: I kind of was hoping that it would happen…

**All**: SHUT UP, JACOB!

**Seth**: Yeah! No one invited ME!

**Rosalie**: Look here, little puppy, we didn't invite you because you're just a kid.

**Seth**: You dare to call me a kid? Well listen up, bitch, I am 100% MAN, and this MAN is going to punch you in the face! (_punches Rosalie in the face_)

**Emmett**: Why'd you punch her in the face? (_Paul punches him in the face_) What gives, dude?

**Paul**: Her! You married the wrong girl, Emmett.

**Seth**: Yeah, Emmett. She treats you like you're a little boy. You need a woman who treats you like a MAN!

**Rosalie**: And _I_ don't?

**Leah**: Be careful, for I can imprint on him and steal him from you, blondie!

**Rosalie**: You would dare!

**Leah**: I would. (_they both get into a fight_)

**Emily**: (_notices them_) Leah, stop fighting with her!

**Leah**: Shut up, Emily! You're next after her! What you did to me! You tried to blackmail me!

**Seth**: Which isn't to say that Embry and Quil weren't trying to blackmail Sam as well!

**Embry**: We did not!

**Quil**: We were looking for Jacob!

**Seth**: Uh-huh. And we're going to believe that you weren't playing blackmail-up at Bella's bachelorette party as well!

**Sam**: What was that? (_they all stand up and hurl insults at each other_)

**Billy**: (_shaking his head_) It would be nice if someone could calm everyone down.

**Jasper**: Not today. It's best if they fight this one out.

* * *

And that's the _I Got Twilighted Special: After the Wedding_! Have fun, everyone!

Next chapter, we'll be doing the _I Got Twilighted: The Baby Shower_. See you soon!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	50. The I Got Twilighted Special: The Baby S

_Breaking Dawn part 1_ the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since _Breaking Dawn part 1_ the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 27: **The I Got Twilighted Special: The Baby Shower  
**

**Alice**: What do we do now?

**Jacob**: Force her to have an abortion.

**Rosalie**: (_puts Jacob in a choke hold_) You will NOT kill that baby!

**Sam**: But it's eating Bella up from the inside, like a parasite!

**Edward**: She NEVER listens to me!

**Paul**: You don't want to be a father, don't you?

**Alice**: Hey, I know what'll cheer him up…

**All**: What?

**Alice**: Let's have a baby shower!

**Leah**: A WHAT?

—–

**Esme**: Are you sure this is a good idea?

**Alice**: Why certainly. Everyone loves babies.

**Carlisle**: Everyone esxcept the wolves. (_points to wolves_)

**Sam**: We do love babies; just not the ones that grow rapidly and break Bella almost in half.

**Emily**: Get a hold of yourself, Sammy! It's her baby! Let's treat it like one!

**Paul**: What do you want us to do about it, Em? Get it lots of gifts, hoping to appease it so that it won't destroy us?

**Seth**: That's a great idea! Let's go shopping!

**All**: What?

**Alice**: Did someone say "_shopping_"? I'm in! (_snatches wolves and hops into her car_)

**Bella**: (_waddles into the kitchen_) Did Alice just leave?

**Leah**: Yeah.

**Bella**: She's going shopping, isn't she?

**Leah**: Yeah.

**Bella**: And she's throwing me a party, right?

**Leah**: Yeah.

**Bella**: I never said I wanted a party!

—–

(_at the party; Bella has opened up tons of gifts already_)

**Emmett**: Here's my gift for the baby: a Call of Duty game!

**Bella**: Emmett, I don't think the baby would be playing the game anytime soon.

**Paul**: Well, I hope the baby likes my gift.

**Leah**: Paul, babies don't play with iPods.

**Sam**: Well, this was a bust. We came and bought all this stuff for nothing!

**Jared**: I know! We got books, toys, clothes, DVD's, you-name-it, we bought it!

**Emily**: I feel totally bogus. What do babies like?

**Leah**: I tell you what they don't like: girls with messed-up faces!

**Emily**: You take that back!

**Leah**: Make me!

**Bella**: That's enough, you two! This is MY party, and I forbid you two from fighting!

**Edward**: They are too angry with each other for some slight…

**Leah**: She used her ugly face to steal my Sam!

**Edward**: OK, that's it, Leah! I think you deserve a time out.

**Leah**: But its the truth.

**Bella**: Go sit on the steps! (_Leah frowns as she sits on the steps)_

**Rosalie**: I agree. She needs to shut up!

**Alice**: Well, I expected a baby party to have lots of cute things, not useless junk! This party has been cancelled! Go home! (_Wolves grumble as they leave the Cullen house_) And as for the junk, I'm going to go trade it in for baby supplies. (_takes junk and drives off_)

**Bella**: Well, that was…interesting. Now I have to go take a nap. (_goes upstairs to her room_)

**Leah**: Darn. And I was hoping for a fun-filled party too. This bites.

* * *

That's all for the Twilight FUNfiction! See you soon!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	51. Jacquel, You're OLD!

Today, I give you another Twi-fun fic! Enjoy!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 28: **Jacquel, You're OLD!**

**Me: **Well, it's my birthday today, so I'm gonna be living it up!

**Sam: **But what about us?

**Me:** I know what you want, Sam, and guess what? It's not gonna happen!

**Sam: **Awww, no fair! How come you get to have a sex scene with Jasper in one of your stories and we can't do it at all in real life?

**Me: **Because you're a bunch of horny wolves and #2, I'm not sure if Carlisle is going to like it if he finds out that you want to have sex with me.

**Carlisle: **Because I don't! Now, Sam, unless you want me to pull the plug on her being on your show, I suggest that you better keep things between you and her professional.

**Paul: **Awww…but that's no fun! It's her birthday, she can do whatever she wants!

**Jared: **Only for 24 hours.

**Paul: **She needs to be with us and not you.

**Sam: **You Cullens keep cramping our style.

**Paul: **And besides, it's just one day…what could possibly go wrong?

**Jacob: **EVERYTHING! Such as Renesmee finding out and killing me even more, or those idiots who dared to put those videos of us and her making out all over the Internet.

**Quil: **Those videos almost ruined my reputation.

**Embry: **Not to mention that I've got scores of uncles and aunts on the Makah reservation who saw that and nearly swooned.

**Jacob: **My father threatened to sue the people who owned the website unless they were taken down.

**Carlisle: **And that's why I won't allow you and her to do any making out! Jacquelyn Claire is a respectable member of the Cullen family and you will NOT be ruining her reputation with your antics at all!

**Jacob: **Why you gotta be all mean to us? We're just gonna take her out for the day.

**Seth: **And besides, it's not all make-out; we're just gonna stay home and watch movies. If that's OK with Emmett here…

**Emmett: **Sure! If the movies that they watch are going to be superhero movies!

**Rosalie:** I hate superhero movies!

**Me: **Well, too bad because you're going to be watching them today! In fact, EVERYONE'S going to be watching superhero movies today! (_everyone cheers_)

**Rosalie**: Well, I'm out! Come back when you all decide to be mature! (_she leaves_)

**Me**: OK, since she wants to be like that, then I say let her. But we're gonna have some fun today! (_pulls out DVDs_) We'll start off with _Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides_, then _Thor_, then _X-Men: First Class_, _Transformers: Dark of the Moon_…

**Jasper**: Wasn't it supposed to be "_Dark Side of the Moon_"?

**Seth**: Yeah, but Pink Floyd threatened to sue Michael Bay unless he changed the title of the movie. Plus since Megan Fox isn't in this one, I'm not sure if I want to watch it.

**Me: **And last but not least, we finish off with _Captain America_…

**Emmett**: Oh heck yeah! Captain America rocks!

**Me**: Thank you very much, Emmett; I'm sure they already know that. Any questions?

**All**: GET ON WITH THE MOVIES!

**Me**: OK then! (_sets up DVD. everyone takes their seats in the living room and I turn the TV on_)

* * *

Well, looks like I had a fun birthday, didn't I?

Later this month, I'll have the new Christmas special.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	52. The I Got Twilighted XMas Special

And now for a Twilight-themed Christmas movie!

* * *

**The "I Got Twilighted" Christmas Special  
****_a movie written by Jacquel C. on 12/24/2011  
_****_rated for mature viewers only_**

(setting:_ Christmas Day at the Cullen house in Forks, Washington_)

(_we see everyone sitting in the living room when the wolves show up_)

**Everyone:** Bring on the movie! Bring on the movie! Bring on the movie! Bring on the movie!

**Jacquel:** OK, guys, would you all just chillax? (_she gets everything set up_)

**Jacob:** And now, we present to you the La Push Show Christmas movie! (_applause. movie begins_)

* * *

**On Christmas Night (the Wolves' music video, which pokes fun at Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" song)**

(_in this movie, Leah plays the part of some girl named Kathie Tuttle and Jacquel plays herself. The wolves play various other characters. Kathie decides that rather than stay home and open her presents, she would rather have fun with her friends instead_)

**Parents: **Merry Christmas, kids. Come see what Santa brought you.

**Kids: **Yay! (_tear into Christmas gifts. Kathie ignores them_)

**Dad:** That means you, too, Kathie.

**Kathie:** I rather not, thank you very much.

**Mom:** Don't you want to see what Santa brought you?

**Kathie: **You really think I care about that?

**Dad:** I thought you liked getting gifts from Santa.

**Kathie:** Yeah….that was when I was about…two? Now if you don't mind, I'm going out today!

**Everyone:** And do what?

**Kathie:** Hang out with Jacquel. Her family is so mature, they know better than to lie about that fraud. I'm out! (_leaves the house_)

(_music begins_)

**Kathie:**_ Everyone is getting to the living room to open presents and thank an imaginary man for giving it to them, / when I know exactly that it was mom and dad who spent their hard-earned money on ungrateful brats like them / but I know that I've got some fun things to do and opening presents isn't one of them / as you can see, I'm spending that day out all over the town, I'm gonna be living it up / because there's more to Christmas than silly toys, I just want to have some fun…__on Christmas night, we went ice skating at the skating rink, made life miserable for those who don't celebrate / on Christmas night, we raided the theaters, saw all the movies, laughed at everything / on Christmas night, we went to the park and had the world's biggest snowball fight, / on Christmas night, we had the best night ever!_

**Jacquel:** Kathie, you sure you want to do this?

**Kathie:** Well, your folks don't care about Santa and gifts and silly Christmas songs, and yet, you always manage to have a better Christmas than I do. How do you manage to put that off?

**Jacquel:** Well…hey, wait a minute, isn't that Hortense McCulmers?

**Kathie: **_We ran around the whole town making merriness everything when suddenly the school bully dared to jump into our path. / I ran and hid in the Nativity scene that was at the church, and I bet that I would have evaded her completely when the pastor's wife came out and said, "Is that you?" / The bully stared at me, I didn't know what to do, but the lady smiled at her and said "Merry Christmas to you." / The bully stared at her, I hoped that she would kill us both on the spot, but I smiled and said, "Hope you've having a great day." / the old lady smiled at me and the bully scoffed and walked away…__on Christmas night, we went ice skating at the skating rink, made life miserable for those who don't celebrate / on Christmas night, we raided the theaters, saw all the movies, laughed at everything / on Christmas night, we went to the park and had the world's biggest snowball fight, / on Christmas night, we had the best night ever!_

**Jacquel: **Well, while dodging her was fun and all, my mom texted me and said that my grandma's here, so I need to be heading home.

**Kathie: **Yeah, me too. My folks won't like it, but you know, we still had fun…(_music turns on_) _Well, after dodging that bully, I decided to head on home, turns out that I had enough fun for today / when I walked back to the house, it was 8 in the evening, and everyone was still playing with their toys and my parents were watching them / I walk through the door and they all turned to notice me, they still had their pajamas on, my parents stared at me in shock. / I said, "I'm off to bed now, don't wake me up until it's New Years Eve." After all that excitement, I'd surely like to have a good sleep._  
_  
_

**Mom: **Where have you been, Kathie? We've been waiting for you to open your gifts from Santa.

**Kathie: **Mom, we've been through this every year. I don't want to open my gifts from Santa because I know you and dad buy gifts for us and lie and say that it was Santa who makes the gifts. I'm not stupid.

**Dad:** How can you say stuff like that? This is the Christmas season, which mean that…

**Kathie: **I know what you're going to say and I'm not even going to reply to that. Now, Jacquel here refuses to believe in Santa and her parents always buy her her gifts. What do you say to that?

**Mom:** Jacquel doesn't believe in Santa? (_to Jacquel_) Were you deprived as a child?

**Jacquel:** Really? You want to assume that my parents are mean to me because I don't believe in Santa? Well, my parents raised my to believe in the real deal, which is Jesus Christ. So, I think you may have forgotten the reason why we celebrate Christmas.

**Embry (as Reggie):** Yeah, there's more to Christmas than Santa Claus giving you gifts.

**Dad:** Kathie, you have just earned yourself a week of no TV! And Since you think you're too good to open your presents, you will NOT be leaving your room until you've opened every one!

**Kathie:** Fine! And since you feel that way, maybe I'll go away next Christmas. Then you'll appreciate what I have to say. (_goes to her room. music turns on_) _on Christmas night, we went ice skating at the skating rink, made life miserable for those who don't celebrate / on Christmas night, we raided the theaters, saw all the movies, laughed at everything / on Christmas night, we went to the park and had the world's biggest snowball fight, / on Christmas night, we had the best night ever…__on Christmas night, we went ice skating at the skating rink, made life miserable for those who don't celebrate / on Christmas night, we raided the theaters, saw all the movies, laughed at everything / on Christmas night, we went to the park and had the world's biggest snowball fight, / on Christmas night, we had the best night ever!_

(_movie turns off. credits roll_)

* * *

(_applause_)

**Emmett:** Well, I hate to be the wet blanket around here, but that was the dumbest music video that I have ever seen. And I know your videos.

**Rosalie: **Yeah. Who wants to hear about the adventures of some boring ugly girl at Christmas? I expected better from you stupid puppies.

**Seth:** You didn't like the movie? Awww…I feel so insulted!

**Embry:** Don't be upset; we'll hit her back later.

**Stephenie Meyer: **(_shows up_) Well, once again, you've managed to steal away a few hours of my life and this time, I didn't like your video.

**All: **WHAT?

**Stephenie Meyer: **And as punishment for the most boring video ever, I'm going to drastically reduce the time that you have on this video.

**Edward: **Well, that's just mean! I mean, I had just finished the remake of the Harry Potter song.

**Bella:** The one where he goes crazy and shoots up Hogwarts?

**Stephenie Meyer:** Oh no, NOT this again!

**Edward: **Well, since you're reducing our screen time, I'm going to be playing this song during the credits. So there!

(_credits roll. song plays_)

**The Night Harry Potter Went Crazy (to the tune of Weird Al's "The Night Santa Went Crazy") The Violent Ending Edition**  
**  
**

_Down in old Hogwarts, all the wizards were mocking, / All the good Christian girls and the good Christian boys. / When the Boy-Who-Lived busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death, Had a .22 in his hands and firewhiskey on his breath. / From his glasses to his shoes he was covered with ammo, / Looking like the wizard's version of the great Rambo. / And he smiled at everyone as he began to laugh, / "Happy Christmas to all—now you're all gonna DIE!" _

_The night Harry Potter went crazy, / The night the boy wizard went insane! / Realized he'd been getting a raw deal, / Something finally must have snapped in his brain! __  
_

_Well, Hogwarts is gone now, he decided to bomb it / Everywhere you'll find pieces of what once had been Hagrid. / And he tied up the Gryffindors and he held the Slytherins hostage, / And he ground up poor Remus Lupin into werewolf sausage. / He got Ron and Hermione with a World War 2 rifle, / And he slashed up Old Dumbledore just like Jigsaw. / And he picked up a blowtorch and he barbecued Hedwig. / And he took a big bite and said, "WOW! It tastes just like chicken!" __  
_

_The night Harry Potter when crazy, / The night the Boy-Who-Lived went nuts. / Now there's no way you can walk around England / Without steppin' in wizard guts! __  
_

_There's the Royal Army and the CIA / There are reporters from CNN and scores of eyewitnesses everywhere / And as the spells are flying, many wizards are dying / and the world wants to know why Harry why / my my my my my my / Harry Potter used to be a good guy…(cue scenes from disaster)__  
_

_Yes, Albus-Severus, now your daddy's dead / Cedric Diggory came back to life and shot him in his head. / it's very true, he's lying dead on the floor / Now the world won't be reading Harry Potter books anymore. / So now the fans are crying because the story has been canceled, / And the bookstores have several empty bookshelves. / And as for J.K. Rowling, they say that she's on the phone every night, / she and her lawyer are discussing the movie rights! _

_It'll be about…the night Harry Potter when crazy. / The night the boy wizard flipped. / all he wanted was a normal life, / Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' tricked. / Wo, the night Harry Potter went crazy. / The night the Boy-Who-Lived went insane, / he simply went downhill since "Deathly Hallows" / Something finally must have snapped in his brain. / Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain! / Tell ya, something must have snapped…in his brain!_

**Jacquel**: All I can say is Merry Christmas and hopefully you day went better than mine.

* * *

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I'll be back with more Twilight fun soon!


	53. The Year is 2012?

_New year, new adventures! So what will await the Cullens and Wolves this year?_

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 29: **The Year is 2012?**

**Edward**: I can't believe that this is now 2012!

**Emmett**: I know, right? This is when the world is supposed to end!

**Jasper**: Don't tell me that you're buying into all that mumbo-jumbo! The world isn't going to end.

**Alice**: I don't know, Jasper. I've seen visions of deaths and destruction. I'm quite sure that there will be a catastrophic event happening at the end of the year.

**Me**: Yeah. I turn the next big number.

**Emmett**: No! This is what I'm afraid of! Make it stop!

* * *

**Me**: _This is the year 2012, and in this year, we will see the epic conclusion to the Twilight Saga…_

**Emmett**: Oh no! Say it ain't so!

_**Me**: Emmett, would you let me finish? Anyway, with the release of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn part 2, we can finally say goodbye to the movie part of our lives and move on to bigger and better things. _

**Emmett**: Like that movie that we're making right now?

_**Me**: Emmett, that's enough! Anyway, plan on looking forward to getting the conclusion to the bachelor party, where after the party has ended, the boys discover the repercussions of what they had done at Edward's bachelor party! See you all soon! _

**Emmett**: Hey, you can't do that! That's illegal! Jacquel, can you make them stop? (_fade to black_) Just because the screen fades to black doesn't mean that the show is over! Jacquel?

**Me**: Welcome to what could be the final season of "_I Got Twilighted_"!

* * *

Well, 2012 is here and guess what? We got one more hurrah before the world ends, so let's have some fun!

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	54. The I Got Twilighted Super Bowl Edition

It's football time! Which team is going to win: Vampires or Werewolves?

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 30: **The "I Got Twilighted" Super Bowl Edition**

(_Super Bowl Theme Plays_)

Emmett: Uh, can someone explain why they're using the fight scene in "_Eclipse_" as the football scene?

Me: I don't know why, but apparently, someone thought that it was funny to try that on us. Who knows?

Jasper: Whatever it is, it ain't funny at all. We have to kick vampire butt to save Bella and the entire town.

James: Perhaps they should. Now, let's watch this waste of time video.

(_video turns on_)

Announcer: Thank you all for tuning in to the Superbowl. I'm Mark Bluntman and here's the lowdown on the two teams who will be playing today…

Jasper: We weren't playin' no dang game; we were trying to save Bella's life!

Announcer: On one team, we have Team Victory, which consists of a Seattle-based team and they are taking on Team Neutron which is desperate to hold onto their winning streak…

Emmett: Hey, that ain't right! It was us and the Wolves versus the newborns and Victoria! How dare they make a mockery of our fight!

Announcer: And here's the kick-off…now the game begins! And Team Victory is really getting into it, but Team Neutron is holding steady…(_OK, I know you all don't want to watch any more of this farce of a game, so let's cut to the so-called halftime show_)

Jacob: Hey, I don't recall anyone doing any halftime shows!

Bella: Now they have the nerve to claim that Edward and I are doing a love song together. ICK!

Edward: I agree and would also like to add that we did not have any collaborations with Seth, Riley, and Victoria.

Emmett: And now we're back to the crappy game…which has now ended with our team winning.

Jasper: Whoever did this has no right to do things like this at all.

James: Let's report them and get them banned from YouTube.

Emmett: Good idea!

Me: The Super Bowl is on! Make for the living room now before Emmett hogs the big couch!

Emmett: Oh no you didn't! (r_ushes to the couch, but he gets tackled by Paul_)

Esme: There's just no controlling that boy, or is there?

Me: Who cares? I just hope I pick the winner of the game.

All: Same here.

* * *

And the winner is...

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	55. A Twilight TV Show? Uh, no thanks!

This came on the heels of rumors of a Twilight TV show. Let it be just a rumor...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 30: **A Twilight TV Show? Uh, no thanks!**

**Jacquel**: Did you guys hear that they're doing a new Twilight TV show?

**Emmett**: What? Did you say Twilight Themed TV Show?

**Jasper**: Uh, no way! They can't be doing this to us!

**Bella**: And besides, we're already doing the "_I Got Twilighted_" story on . So there's no need for it to be on TV at all.

**Carlisle**: Should we say something to the people who want to do this?

**Sam**: Yes, we should.

**Victoria**: Look, people, I don't know who you think you are, but you can't just turn our story into a TV show! We've already suffered through the movies and besides, maybe you guys need to learn that "_Twilight_" belongs to Stephenie Meyer and no others! So, go find an unknown book to turn into a TV show and stay away from our story!

**Edward**: Congratulations, Victoria, you really hit the nail on the head!

**Victoria**: I know; how dare they try to make more money from us than they already have. Five movies is quite enough, I tell you.

**Jacquel**: And now we need to get back to the show because the fans are clamoring for more.

* * *

Will it happen or is it just a rumor?

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	56. Twilight and the Hunger Games

This was based on the fake news that Stephenie Meyer and Suzanne Collins are teaming up for a Twilight/Hunger Games crossover. Let it be just a rumor...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 31: **Twilight and the Hunger Games**

**Rosalie**: Hey, guess what, guys?

**All**: What?

**Rosalie**: I just heard that Stephenie Meyer and Suzanne Collins are teaming up to write a new story about us!

**Emmett**: You liar! They can't do that!

**Alice**: Oh really? Why not?

**Emmett**: Hello? Suzanne Collins wrote "_The Hunger Games_"! It's about kids killing kids in a glorified fight to the death! I hate those kinds of shows!

**Jacob**: But I thought you liked violence in those shows!

**Emmett**: Not when it's kids killing kids! We've already have too many problems with bullying and school shootings and whatnot, so we don't need stuff like "_The Hunger Games_" to be thrown into the mix!

**Me**: Hey guess what, guys.

**All**: What?

**Me**: It was all a joke!

**All**: You gotta be kidding me!

**Me**: (_sings_) _They said that it would be an epic to remember / but I say that we almost got dismembered / somehow the world dodged a bullet / but they also fell for it / maybe I'm no fool, but here's what I have to say… / THEY WERE ONLY KIDDING! / They were just messing with your head! THEY WERE ONLY KIDDING! / There's no way we would join up with them…_ (**Katniss shows up**)

**Katniss**: Never say never. In fact, let's team up anyway and take down the person who tried to fool the world into thinking that we would meet in a crossover.

**All**: Good idea.

* * *

Will it happen or is it just a rumor?

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	57. Twilight Prank Phone Call

And now for an unnecessary prank phone call...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 32: **Twilight Prank Phone Call**

**Me:** And here's what happened to us on April Fool's Day…

**SMeyer: **Hello, kids. I've got something for you.

**Emmett: **Well, you've got some nerve to be talking about crossing over "_The Hunger Games_" and "_Twilight_"!

**Jacob: **Yeah, what are you thinking?

**SMeyer: **Well, they were only kidding. Don't you kids know what a joke is?

**Emmett: **We do know what a joke is! It's YOU who tried to mess up our heads?

**Seth: **Yeah. Is your refrigerator running?

**SMeyer: **Why, yes it is.

**Emmett: **Well, you better get out there and catch it! (_hangs up phone_) I thought she'd never leave!

**Jacob: **I know! Talk about a great idea and then calling it "_news_".

**Seth: **And we should remind the people that if they want a Hunger Games/Twilight fan fiction story (which I don't understand why they do, seeing as people get killed in that story, they have for that), they can cross it over for themselves!

**Alice: **And I hear that they're going to be doing the Fandom Games this summer!

**Emmett, Jacob, & Seth: **You gotta be kidding me!

* * *

They still haven't gotten over the fake news about themselves or have they?

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	58. Birthday Wishes

The kids are here! And there's a bonus special that deals with the Cullens at a birthday party. Enjoy!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

You may remember this:

_Part 11: Edward & Bella Have a Second Child_  
_Jacquel: Did you guys just eat candied blood?_  
_All: Yes._  
_Jacquel: You do realize that the pills have been coded to turn us into humans for the next few months, don't you?_  
_Emmett: So does this mean that we'll have to live as humans for a while?_  
_Carlisle: Yes, we do._  
_(later)_  
_Jacquel: This is so unfair! Nobody told me I could have a baby! I thought I was done after having Delicia!_  
_Alice: Apparently, you're not, since it is believed that you are expecting another child. And Bella. And Esme. And Rosalie._  
_Bella: And if you ask me, they're being such goofballs. Esme more than Rosalie._  
_Jasper: I don't blame her. After all, she did lose her first baby._  
_Bella: Even so, Rosalie doesn't have to flaunt it in my face._  
_Alice: I know! She's being so wrapped up in herself it makes me sick! (just then, she starts throwing up)_  
_Jacquel: I guess either Alice is sick of Rosalie, or she's expecting as well. I can't tell which._  
_(later)_  
_*at Charlie's house*_  
_Bella: Dad?_  
_Charlie: Yes, Bella?_  
_Bella: Edward and I have something to tell you._  
_Charlie: You didn't get sick again, did you?_  
_Edward: Nothing like that. Bella and I are expecting our second child._  
_Charlie: WHAT?_

Or this…

_Part 19: Mother Knows Best_  
_Carlisle: You have twins?_  
_Jacquel: Yeah. Who knew?_  
_Renee: (to Bella) You know you could have told me about Renesmee; I had no idea that you and Edward wanted children._  
_Bella: Finally! A parent who isn't calling her by that stupid nickname Nessie!_  
_Renee: And what's this I hear about your father dating Sue Clearwater?_  
_Edward: Her husband died and Bella convinced Charlie that he should try to find love again._  
_Renee: Indeed. Charlie?_  
_Charlie: Oh, and did I ever tell you that Bella and Edward are expecting their second child?_  
_Renee: WHAT? CHARLES ANDREW SWAN, PREPARE TO DIE! (she pounces on him and tried to strangle him and Edward tries to separate them)_

* * *

Part 33: **Birthday Wishes**

**Bella: **Well, Edward, I guess the time has come for Edward Junior to be born.

**Edward: **I know. We've been humans since 2009. this is unnatural.

**Jacquel: **I know, and I had given birth to Giselle and Alyssia last year! The writer is so unreliable!

**Emmett: **May they be banned from and never be allowed to write another story for as long as they live!

**Alice: **Well, they did mention your children.

**Jasper: **But what about their names?

**Emmett: **Oh yeah. Hey Rosie?

**Rosalie: **What?

**Emmett: **What did we name the kids?

**Rosalie: **What kids?

**Emmett: **The kids we had last year!

**Rosalie: **Uh, yeah. I kind of forgotten about that. Let me think back to last year…

(_Last year, during The "I Got Twilighted" Christmas Musical_)

_Emmett: I thought that this year, I would get to enjoy seeing my children._  
_Alice: Weren't we all?_  
_Emmett: Well, you and Jasper have your children and Edward and Bella have their children; not to mention Jacquel's twin girls and Carlisle and Esme's children, but what about mine?_  
_Jacquel: Oh yeah…Rosalie ditched us when that video about her and Jacob surfaced on the La Push Show._  
_Jasper: Yeah, Jacob. Why'd you have to ruin a good thing?_  
_Emmett: You humiliated me when you and Rosie were…sleeping together._  
_Jacob: Oh quit your bellyaching!_  
_Bella: Why don't you?_

(_present day_)

**Jacquel: **Oh yeah, I remember now. At that point, we all had our children.

**Esme: **Such as…

**Jacquel: **I had Giselle and Alyssia; you and Carlisle had Matthew and Christine; Jasper and Alice had Brandon and Cynthia; Bella and Edward had Elizabeth; and as for Emmett and Rosalie, they had Henry, Rosario, and Emmalie.

**All: **WHAT?

**Jacquel: **Now you know.

**Carlisle: **So let me get this straight: during the hiatus, we've all had our children?

**Jacquel: **Well, yes. You think we'd want the public to know EVERYTHING about our lives? We need some privacy.

**Bella: **Yeah, you're probably right.

**Edward: **We were able to have Elizabeth in relative peace.

**Bella: **But now my mom's requesting to be there for the birth of her grandson.

**Edward: **Indeed.

**Jacquel: **I now present for your enjoyment: _the birthday wishes_!

* * *

**An "I Got Twilighted Special"**  
**The Birthday Wishes**  
**a movie written by Jacquel C. on 6/12/2012**  
**rated for mature viewers only**

**Jacquel: **Delicia, why are you so mad?

**Delicia: **I jealous. I no like babies.

**Emmett: **Why you no like babies?

**Rosalie: **(_slaps him_) Emmett, don't ask such a stupid question!

**Jacquel: **Why shouldn't he? After all, I think Delicia's jealous of the babies.

**Edward: **Why can't Delicia be jealous? after all, she's only 4 years old.

**Rosalie: **Have you been spying on her?

**Edward: **You do know that I can hear the thoughts of everyone here, including small children. I know Delicia is jealous.

**Jacquel: **Uh, what do you want me to do about it? Demand that she quit being jealous and love her sisters? You gotta be kidding me!

**Jasper: **I could put a calming charm on her, but she's a small girl. Small children often get jealous of a new sibling in the family.

**Jacquel: **I know. When Sam and Safie were born, I didn't speak to my mom for a month.

**All: **What?

**Jacquel: **It's just natural to feel some form of resentment from time to time.

**Saphira: **I know. My kids are born and suddenly, no one wants to talk to me.

**Esme: **Yet, John seems to love his new siblings.

**Alice:** I know why Delicia is so moody…she'll be turning 5, won't she?

**Jacquel: **Yes.

**Alice: **I'll throw her a party!

**All: **WHAT?

(_the party_)

**Sam: **(_shows up with Emily and baby Leah_) We're here! Where is Leah?

**Bella: **For some reason, Jacob, Leah, and Harry decided to go on vacation during this time.

**Emily: **What? How dare she! I'm going to make her pay for this! this has gone on far enough!

**Edward: **Well, I wonder if that's the root of the problem.

**Alice: **Let me see your gift for Delicia (_unwraps gift and discovers a doll_) Hmmm…passable. (_rewraps gift and sets gift aside_) Join the party.

**Quil: **Is my gift passable too? Claire picked this one out. (_Alice unwraps gift and sees another doll_)

**Alice: **Passable. Enjoy the party. (_Quil leaves as Alice rewraps gift. Jacquel shows up_)

**Jacquel: **Alice, why are you inspecting the gifts?

**Alice: **Remember the baby show a few episodes ago?

**Jacquel: **Uh, I wasn't there when that happened.

**Edward: **Yeah…you missed a good story.

**Jacquel: **Darn.

**Rosalie: **Well, here's what happened…

(_flashback: the baby shower_)

_(at the party; Bella has opened up tons of gifts already)  
__Emmett: Here's my gift for the baby: a Call of Duty game!  
__Bella: Emmett, I don't think the baby would be playing the game anytime soon.  
__Paul: Well, I hope the baby likes my gift.  
__Leah: Paul, babies don't play with iPods.  
__Sam: Well, this was a bust. We came and bought all this stuff for nothing!  
__Jared: I know! We got books, toys, clothes, DVD's, you-name-it, we bought it!  
__Emily: I feel totally bogus. What do babies like?  
__Alice: I'm ashamed of all of you. I expected a baby party to have lots of cute things, not useless junk! This party has been cancelled! Go home! (Wolves grumble as they leave the Cullen house) And as for the junk, I'm going to go trade it in for baby supplies. (takes junk and drives off)_

**Jacquel: **Darn. I can't believe I missed that. (_to Alice_) I appreciate what you're doing for me, but let me see the gifts.

**Alice: **I would love to allow you, seeing as you're her mother, but I won't because i know what little girls should and shouldn't be playing with. So there.

**Rosalie: **Jacquel, one of the babies is trying to eat the cake!

**Jacquel: **Which one? Oh well, I'll know soon. (_rushes off to fetch the baby_)

**Alice: **Rose, give me the rest of the gifts and I'll inspect them. You keep an eye on the kids. (_Rosalie goes off and Alice inspects the gifts_)

**Emmett: **Hey, why are you little girls forcing me to wear make-up?

**Renesmee: **Because you said mean things about girls, Uncle Emmett. so you have to be punished!

**Delicia: **Make up Uncle Emmett! (_the girls cheer as they torture Emmett_)

**Esme: **Ok, girls, that's enough with the make up! it's time for gifts! (_the girls cheer as they rush into the living room_)

**Delicia:** What? I only get 8 gifts? Why?

**Jacquel: **Alice? Where are the rest of the gifts?

**Alice: **You mean _these_? (_holds up a toy car, a basketball, a toy plane, a game cartridge, a toy ship, a baseball hat, a toy soldier, a game CD, and a football_) Which one of you idiots smuggled these among her birthday gifts?

**Emmett: **But Delicia doesn't need to have all those girly things! Why can't she have some boy things?

**Jacquel: **Well, Safie and I played with just girl things and we turned out OK.

**Delicia: **I want my birthday gifts! Gimme my gifts! (_bursts into tears_)

**Bella: **Now look at what you've done, Alice! You made her cry. Why would you do something like that?

**Jacquel: **Well, I did ask to see the gifts before Delicia got them.

**Alice: **But this is wrong, Jacquel! Delicia shouldn't play with boy toys! Now I'm going to take them away and trade them for girl toys. (_she takes the toys and leaves_)

**Edward: **Well, I can't believe that Alice ruined another party due to her excessive gift inspection! What are we gonna do?

**Carlisle:** I have an idea: let's go to a movie! What do you girls want to see?

**Delicia, Renesmee, and Claire: **_Avengers_!

**Rosalie: **You sure you don't want to see _Brave_?

**Delicia: **What? No way!

**Renesmee: **The girl is a princess! Princesses are boring!

**Claire: **And old-fashioned!

**Delicia: **We need action!

**Esme: **Very well. I'll take them to see the movie and you can straighten up this party. (_takes girls and leaves the house_)

(_later_)

**Jacquel: **Well, I guess this settles it. Alice is from a different world. There's no way she's going to let Delicia keep her gifts.

**Emmett: **But that doesn't mean she can't stop you from letting Delicia see Avengers. (_girls and Esme return_)

**Esme: **Well, they loved the movie, but I didn't.

**Jacquel:** Awww, why not?

**Esme: **Is it safe to expose Delicia to all of this violence?

**Jacquel: **Hey, I took her to see the _Hunger Games_ and she didn't complain about anything. Kids these days are resilient, something that is lost as we begin to grow up.

**Bella: **And I have a gift that Alice never confiscated and she can't take it away from you…(_opens gift and pulls out a handheld game system_)

**Delicia: **(_sees handheld game system_) Yay!

**Jacquel: **Really? You got her a DSi?

**Jasper: **She'll be fine, Jacquel. Alice won't be taking this one away from Delicia.

**Esme: **I hope so. (_movie ends. Alice returns_)

* * *

**Alice:** I've got girl things…(_sees Delicia with DSi_) Hey, what the…

**Sam: **Too late, Alice! The show's over! You can't take this gift away from her!

**Rosalie: **And they also got to watch the Avengers!

**Alice: **What? I thought I was going to take them to see Brave!

**Jacquel: **Well, Delicia doesn't like princess movies anymore. So there.

**Alice: **Why?

* * *

Oh, Alice! You're so far behind the times that it's not funny anymore!

Look for more episodes with the kids in them!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	59. Bella's New Movie

Here's how the Cullens and Wolves react to Bella's new movie...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 34: **Bella's New Movie  
**

**Jacob:** OK, who wants to watch a movie?

**Emmett: **Only if it's the _Avengers_. (_everyone else agrees_)

**Seth: **Pass; I'm watching _Dark Shadows_ instead.

**Rosalie: **Same here.

**Jacob: **What? You'd rather watch any other movie than watch a movie with me?

**Alice: **Look, Jake, it's not that we don't like you, but you make the movies less fun to watch.

**Me: **I know. I had a hard time trying to laugh at the _Three Stooges_ because you kept calling the jokes lame.

**Emmett: **You can't call the Three Stooges lame! That was classic comedy!

**Jasper: **Don't diss the comedy!

**Jesse: **Plus, you don't seem to understand the concept of quality comedy.

**Jacob: **What? You better take that back!

**Bella: **Who wants to see my movie?

**All: **What movie?

**Bella: **_Snow White & the Huntsman._

**Rosalie: **Well, if it's anything like _Mirror Mirror_, I'm not interested.

**Me:** I know. That movie was such an epic bomb, Alice and I left in the middle of it and went to see _The Dictator_.

**Emmett: **So, what's this movie about?

**Bella: **Well, I play Snow White and this time, Snow White is trained and protected by the Huntsman.

**All: **Oh.

**Jacob: **So, can I be your Huntsman, Bella?

**Bella: **NO! You can't use my movie to separate me from Edward! What the hell is wrong with you?

**Paul: **Well, Jake put up a fake rumor about you cheating on Edward with some random guy…

**Bella: **He WHAT? (_pounces on Jacob and beats him up. explosion is seen nearby_)

**Edward: **Oh dear. Sounds like Bella got a bad review from her latest movie.

**Quil: **It's all Jake's fault. He did this just so Bella would get mad and leave you.

**Leah: **Oh really? Well, that's a dumb tactic to use, even for him.

**Embry: **Let's teach him a lesson! (_they all go home and almost get run over by Bella in her truck_)

**Edward: **What? Bella's…leaving? No, Bella! Don't leave me! Come back, Bella! (_chases after the truck, but Quil and Embry stop him_)

**Leah: **Let her go, Edward. Give her some space.

**Edward: **And you…

**Leah: **Have a husband who's ass needs to be kicked. Oh Jacob? (_pounces on Jacob and beats him up_)

**Jesse: **Hey, I know what'll cheer you up…let's all go to the movies.

**Edward: **Yeah, let's. (_everyone piles into Jesse's car and they all go off the theaters._)

* * *

(_After the movie_)

**Carlisle**: So, you guys liked the movie?

**Emmett**: Heck yeah we did! Bella was so awesome, kicking butt and taking names!

**Esme**: Good for you, kids. Carlisle and I made a mistake seeing _Mirror Mirror_ and I thought I went blind.

**Alice**: You should have seen _Brave_.

**Me**: Alice, don't. Bella and I saw it already and it looked failtastic.

**Renesmee**: When's mom coming back?

**Edward**: I don't know, Renesmee. I don't know.

(_to be continued_…)

* * *

Oh, no! Bella is gone and because she's gone, looks like the show is going to fall apart! Or will it?

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	60. Regarding Certain Events

With Bella out of action, how will Edward survive? With a little help from the Cullens and wolves, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 35: **Regarding Certain Events**

(_Charlie finds out that Bella left the Cullens and he wants to know why_)

**Charlie**: Well, this is sad. I can't believe that Jacob would do something like this.

**Billy**: Me neither. We really need to find out what's going on with Bella. (_they show up at the Cullen House_)

(_in the living room; Edward is lying on the couch sobbing as the others stare at him_)

**Carlisle**: Well, Bella is gone and Edward's falling apart. I don't know what to do or say about this matter.

**Esme**: I know. Poor Edward.

**Charlie**: (_shows up_) I heard that Bella disappeared and Edward's forlorn.

**Esme**: Well, we've sent out a team of searchers to find her.

**Bree**: She's not in the woods.

**Paul**: She's not on the beach.

**Alice**: I can't see her in my visions.

**Emmett**: I don't know where she is! Bella? Bella?

**Billy**: She can't hear you.

**Emmett**: This is all Jacob's fault! If he hadn't made up that ridiculous lie…

**Sam**: Oh, so that's what that was. Jacob lied and now Bella's gone. Edward's depressed and now we have to deal with it.

**Rosalie**: Well, if you've kept that stupid dog in line, we wouldn't have to deal with this.

**Sam**: What do you know, Rosalie? For all I know, _you_ tried to lock him up in a giant dog cage! So there!

**Rosalie**: I'm going to kill you! (_she lunges at Sam and slaps him_)

**Billy**: All right, you two. That's enough! Stop it! Yelling and fighting will get us nowhere!

**Charlie**: Now, why is Bella gone and you guys can't find her?

**Alice**: Because stupid Jacob had to make up a lie about her cheating on Edward!

**Charlie**: That doesn't sound like Bella!

**Billy**: No, it doesn't Bella is usually so loyal.

**Edward**: That's the problem. I can't believe that she'd do that. I loved her, and now she's gone!

**Jasper**: Now you know that that's a lie. Bella doesn't cheat. Jacob was just saying that because he's a jealous rat!

**Jacob**: Am not!

**Bree**: Are too!

**Charlie**: Well, I got some questions to ask; such as why did you guys suddenly move away?

**Carlisle**: Well, they begged me to work in LA and I accepted. It was the worst mistake I had made.

**Billy**: I take it that you didn't enjoy LA?

**Carlisle**: We all hated it. Esme complained so much that I wanted to scream my head off.

**Esme**: I couldn't believe that we had made the mistake that nearly ruined our family. We had no choice but to come back.

**Charlie**: Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Now I know why Edward was so miserable that he nearly jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and Bella had to stop him.

**Edward**: But why am I so miserable?

**Leah**: That's what happens when a wolf loses their mate. They go miserable to the point of wishing for death.

**Jacob**: I still blame you for Renesmee's ditching me and breaking the imprint!

**Sam**: Shut up, Jacob! You've already caused enough damage around here! Now shut up or else!

**Carlisle:** OK, enough with the fighting, please! I know we're all stressed out and stuff, but we have to stick together and wait for Bella to come home. Whenever that happens.

(_to be continued_…)

* * *

Will Bella ever come home?

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	61. Unwanted Family Legacy

Well, here's a little something to tide you guys over until we get Bella and Edward back together...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 36: **Unwanted Family Legacy**

**Esme**: Well, the new kitchen sink is finally here. Who wants to help me set it up?

**Carlisle**: Well, before anyone volunteers, let's go over why you had to get a new sink in the first place…

_(I Got Twilighted Episode 12: **Sometimes They Come Back**)_

_**Emmett**: (stares out the window) Someone's coming to get us! (James and Victoria show up) It's just James and Victoria. We can take them. (just then, Laurent crashes through a window)_

_**Laurent**: HERE'S LAURENT!_

_**Carlisle**: Quickly, everyone! To the panic room! (they all go hide in the panic room)_

_**Jacquel**: Now what do we do?_

_**Esme**: I don't know! If they're here, then there's no telling who might show up next! (just then, they all hear an "ESME? WHERE ARE YOU, YOU WORTHLESS WHORE?") Oh crap! It's Charles! He's here!_

_**Carlisle**: (hugs Esme) Esme, Charles is dead, remember? He's not going to hurt you._

_**Jacquel**: How's about we go beat the crap out of them. (Just then, Seth and Jacob crash inside the house)_

_**Seth**: Hey, what are you people doing here?_

_**Jacob**: That Royce King is here! Let's get him!_

_**Seth**: Yeah! (they phase and attack the group of people who wrongly invaded the Cullen house)_

_**Carlisle**: (kicks open the door and grabs Charles by his neck) Who are you and what do you want with MY Esme?_

_(after the Nomads are chased out of the house)_

_**Carlisle**: That ought to teach them not to go messing with us. (just then a scream is heard. then the sound of a garbage disposal is being run) OH NO! ESME! (rushes into the kitchen and sees Esme standing over the sink)_

_**Esme**: That's for making my human life a living hell, you sick monster! (sees Carlisle) Hi, Carlisle._

_**Carlisle**: Esme! (throws his arms around her and kisses her) I thought something horrible had happened to you!_

_**Esme**: Well, that was something I should have done years ago. (looks at the mess in the kitchen) Oh, look at this place; it's a mess! I'll have to clean it up and perhaps get a whole new sink put in…_

(_today_)

**Esme**: Oh, so that's why the first sink was destroyed.

**Emmett**: Well, I had to kill a bear by breaking Edward's piano.

**Edward**: How about I break YOU? (_pounces on Emmett and beats him up_)

**Alice**: That is enough! Stop it! Now let's help Esme put in her new sink…(_just then, a man who was badly mangled shows up_)

**Kids**: Aaaaaahhh! A monster! (_they run out of the room_)

**Charles**: Esme? Is that you?

**Esme**: I thought I shoved your head in the garbage disposal several episodes ago!

**Charles**: Yeah, about what. Why?

**Esme**: You ruined my life! I thought you were a good man!

**Charles**: You see? She thinks I'm a good man.

**Esme**: And now that this happened, I realize that you are nothing more than a great big fat jerk!

**Charles**: What?

**Esme**: I deserve better than you!

**Jesse**: And me too.

**Charles**: Et tu, my son?

**Jesse**: You're not my father! You're a monster!

**Charles**: Monster? Well…(_points to Edward_) *_he's_* the monster! he tried to destroy me!

**Edward**: Only because you deserved it.

**Carlisle**: (i_n a scary powerful vampire voice_) Now get outta my house or I will finish the job! (_Charles flees, only to be mangled even more by a wolf_)

**Jacob**: (_walks in_) Don't worry about him; he won't be bothering you anymore.

**Esme**: Thank goodness! Now, who wants to help me set up the new sink?

**Jesse**: Mom, is this true? Was dad really a monster?

**Esme**: Yes, he was. But no more of that; what's done is done. I need to get this sink ready.

**Carlisle**: Of course. Anyone who wants to volunteer…(_everyone nearly runs him over in their way to the kitchen_) Ouch. you could have at least waited until I was finished speaking before you rushed into the kitchen…

**Jacquel**: Carlisle?

**Carlisle**: Yes, Jacquelyn?

**Jacquel**: Whatever voice you used, ***don't*** ever use it again!

**Carlisle**: Fair enough.

* * *

Well, we haven't seen the last of Charles Evenson, as Esme is going to seriously give him WHAT FOR!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	62. Taking Care of Business

Well, here's a little something to tide you guys over until we get Bella and Edward back together...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 37: **Taking Care of Business**

WARNING:_ May contain spoilers for the rest of the series!_

Where we last left off…

_After the epically failtastic Christmas special, various fun specials, and rumors about a Twilight TV show, Jacquel decides to take care of some business._

**Jacquel**: So, what shall we do now?

**Emmett**: You can't pull the plug on the show! Not yet!

**Jacquel**: That's enough, Emmett! We still need to figure out what to wrap up so that this show can end on a high note.

**Jacob**: You could choose a wolf. Everyone wants to know which wolf you're choosing.

**Jasper**: Jacob, she will NOT be choosing a wolf! Try again!

**Alice**: I know! Why not do a segment on Comic-Con?

**Seth**: Of course! We're going to Comic-Con this year.

**Rosalie**: And after that, the Twi-Olympics!

**Emmett**: Yes! I wanna beat Paul in Call of Duty!

**Paul**: Not if I beat you in Assassin's Creed!

**Jacquel**: Ok, guys, let's get real here. What story have we not resolved yet?

**Alice**: The Royce story. I'd like to see Rosalie actually beat him up.

**Rosalie**: I look forward to that.

**Leah**: Don't forget about the Fandom Games.

**Seth**: What's the Fandom Games?

**Alice**: It's like the Hunger Games, only this time, two people from various fandoms fight over who's the best.

**Jacquel**: And let's not forget about the most important thing of all…the last Twilight movie.

**Emmett**: Nooo! Not Breaking Dawn! Gah! You're ruining my day!

**Rosalie**: Don't worry, Emmett; she still has to finish the fan fiction.

**Jacquel**: Right you are.

**Jacob**: Look what I found! (_he shows off a piece of paper_)

FLASHBACK…

_**Shipman**: Anyway, will we see a wedding?_

_**Seth**: Yup._

_**Shipman**: And who's the lucky couple?_

_**Victoria**: Their names rhyme with** Racquel **and** Barent**._

_**Shipman**: What? You mean that…_

**Jacquel**: (_interrupts flashback_) Are you guys implying that I'm going to marry Laurent? Not gonna happen! (audience groans) Sorry, guys, but I just can't marry Laurent.

**Laurent**: But why not?

**Jacquel**: We are too different. You're an Annoying Nomad and I'm a Cullen. Besides, you can have any girl you want.

**Irina**: Like me.

**Victoria**: He's mine! I had him first! (_they get into a huge catfight_)

**Jacquel**: Well, with that in mind, I shall begin the long (and rather difficult) process of saying goodbye to this show and getting on with the various fan fictions and original stories that were inspired by this wonderful and dangerous love story.

* * *

We now go into the final few episodes of "I GOT TWILIGHTED", so get ready to say goodbye to Jacquel, the Cullens, and the Wolves!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	63. The La Push Show does Comic-Con

The La Push Show is going to Comic-Con! But will someone screw things up for them?

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 38: **The La Push Show does Comic-Con**

**Jacob**: Hey guys, guess what? We're going to Comic-Con! (_audience cheers_) And we're getting our own booth, so if you're going, just swing on down and meet us!

(_at the Cullen house_)

**Emmett**: I wish I was going to Comic-Con; it's so boring being with just Rosie here.

**Rosalie**: What did you say?

**Jacquel**: He's just kidding! Anyway, you should go...if you wear a cool costume**.**

**Emmett**: Yay!

**Jacquel**: Now, I'm going to pack my bags; we leave for San Diego at midnight.

(_At Comic-Con_)

**Sam**: Why are we seeing so many people in costumes?

**Quil**: It's Comic-Con, Sam! (_just then, someone hurls a toy at them_)

**Random person**: People like you are the reason why our sons and daughters are still virgins!

**Embry**: Did you hear that?

**Paul**: Yeah, and it's not true!

**Leah**: Indeed. Now let's get this celebration of virginity over with; I want to go home.

(_At the panel_)

**Announcer**: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...THE LA PUSH SHOW! (_audience cheers and the entire cast of the show walks onstage and takes their seats_)

**Jacob**: You know who we are...we're the La Push Show! We're here to talk about what our show is about and why we all decided to do the show. In about a few minutes, we'll be open to take your questions. So, is everyone ready? (_audience cheers_) Let's get started then!

**Paul**: OK, who wants to go first? (_everyone raises their hands_) Yes, you, in the red shirt.

**Random boy**: What made you guys come up with the idea for the show?

**Jacquel**: That's a great question. Well, the boys here came up with the show after discovering that everyone and their mother was watching reality TV. Next question! (_everyone raises their hands_)

**Random girl**: Did Embry and Billy reconcile yet?

**Embry**: Well, we're working on it. Next question! (_everyone raises their hands_)

**Random girl #2**: Well, to be honest, I was a bit turned off by the Halloween episode.

**Jared**: Really? Why?

**Random girl #2**: For starters, most of the costumes didn't make any sense, and the way the show was set up was quite offensive to people who celebrate Halloween.

**Leah**: Now listen up here, you...you have no right to say stuff like that!

**Quil**: Leah, you better shut up right now or else! (_to the girl_) So, what do you want to see for the next Halloween special?

**Random girl #2**: I'd like to have less sexy costumes and more scary fun, if that isn't a problem.

**Quil**: Of course it's not, right guys?

**Jacob**: Ok. Next question! (_everyone raises their hands_)

**Woman**: Have any of you read _Fifty Shades of Grey_?

**Jacquel**: What? That new porn novel? No way!

**Leah**: Are you nuts? Like Jacquel and I are going to read that filth when Emmett flies! (_just then, Emmett is hurled across the room. the audience gasps_)

**Emmett**: I don't know who you think you are, but I'mma find you slap your face so hard it'll be on the back of your head and you'll be spending the rest of your life looking back on where you've been! (_woman stares at Jacquel and Leah_)

**Leah**: Still not gonna happen! Any other questions? (_everyone raises their hands_)

**Random man**: Jacquel, are you ever going to ditch the loser wolves and rejoin the Harry Potter fandom?

**Jacquel**: I want him out of here! Security, get him out of here right now! (_just then, some bouncers grab the man and his companion and shove them towards the front door_)

**Random man #2**: Thanks a lot, bub! You just got us kicked out of the La Push Show Panel. Just like you got us banned from the Kids' Choice Awards for sneaking into Justin Beiber's dressing room...

**Jacquel**: Unless the questions are about us or the show, I implore you to shut up! Now, who else has something to ask us? (_everyone raises their hands_)

**Random girl #3**: Are you in a relationship with any of the cast members?

**Sam**: Ummm, no. We have imprints.

**Random boy**: But surely not all of you are mated.

**Jacob**: Well, yes, that is most certainly true.

**Random boy**: And one of you could be dating Jacquel.

**Random woman**: But which one?

**Jacquel**: I'm not dating anyone right now.

**Random man**: Well, the people of the La Push Show Forum would beg to differ.

**Seth**: Really? But we don't have time to be nit-picking at every single rumor and fan fiction and whatnot.

**Jacquel**: Why are all so concerned with who I'm dating and not dating? NONE of us are dating anyone!

**Leah**: Actually, there have been rumors that Jacquel and Embry have hooked up...

**Random man #4**: LIAR! It's Jacquel and Sam! I don't know why he's with that chick with the messed-up face.

**Random woman #3**: Jacquel and Sam forever!

**Random girl #2**: No, it's Jacquel and Paul!

**Random boy**: Are you guys insane? Jacquel and Quil for the win!

**Other people**: No! It's Jacquel and Seth! They belong together!

**Random woman #5**: Jacquel and Embry for the endgame!

**Random girl**: Jacquel and Paul are in love! Jacquel and Paul forever!

**Random man #4**: No! It's Jacquel and Sam!

(_just then, the entire audience gets into a fight_)

**Jacquel**: Congratulations, Leah Clearwater. You just started a fan war.

**Seth**: Yeah, just like what happened on _iCarly_ when everyone was fighting over Seddie and Creddie.

**Jacob**: You just _had_ to say something, didn't you?

**Leah**: What was I supposed to tell them?

**Paul:** You were supposed to tell them that we all have imprints! Now they're all at home watching this and are pretty upset with us!

**Sam**: Not to mention that Emily, Rachel, and Kim will be forcing us to sleep on the couch until this dies down!

**Jacob**: Well, don't look at me, I had nothing to do with this!

**Jacquel**: Shut up, Jake! You're just as guilty as Leah is!

**Seth**: I'm getting out of here right now! (_makes for the exit, but Jacquel claps two microphones together and the fighting stops_)

**Jacquel**: I know you all like to think that I'm dating one of the guys from the La Push Show, but the truth is, I'm not dating anyone right now. But that's not what the show is about. The show is about nothing more than quality comedy. I'm sure you'll understand this...someday. (_to the group_) Let's go before this gets any worse.

**Random boy #7**: What are your future plans for after the last Twilight movie ends?

**Jacquel**: To be honest, I haven't thought about that. But we'll be back tomorrow to answer more of your questions. Let's go! (_they leave the panel_)

_For the rest of the weekend, the cast goes around meeting people and visiting various exhibits. Plus, they go back to the panel the next day and answer more questions about the La Push Show. But Jake and Leah were banned from the panel due to their part in causing the fan war._

_And to this day, no one knew who Jacquel was actually dating._

_**"I Got Twilighted**" will resume in August._

* * *

We now go into the final few episodes of "_I GOT TWILIGHTED_", so get ready to say goodbye to Jacquel, the Cullens, and the Wolves!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	64. Crack of Dawn-cartoon

Here's a funny little parody of the Breaking Dawn movie...in crackfic form!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 39: **Crack of Dawn**

_(At Edward and Bella's wedding in "Breaking Dawn")_

**Pastor**: And if there's any reason why Edward Cullen and Bella Swan should not be married, anyone but Jacob Black is allowed to speak now or forever hold your peace.

**Leah**: Sorry, Jake, but you're not allowed to speak.

**Jacob**: This is unfair, Leah! Why no one let me speak?

**Leah**: Because you'll ruin everything! That's why!

**Spike**: (_crying_) I always cry at weddings.

**Buffy**: Oh grow up, you big baby! It's just Edward and Bella.

**Angel**: Ignore him. He's a great big softie.

**Willow**: If Bella can marry Edward and I can't marry Tara, then I say this wedding is a fake!

**Buffy**: Guys, I thought we all agreed to be civil!

**Blade**: And you all ain't being civil if you're acting like this.

**Damon**: If you ask me, I say I should marry Elena.

**S****tefan**: Nope. I'm marrying Elena.

**Katherine**: NEITHER of you are marrying Elena.

**Elena**: What are you doing here, bitch?

**Bella**: I recall you trying to kill us both back in that crossover! Security! (_Wolves remove Katherine from the wedding_)

**Katherine**: I'm gonna get you two for this!

**Buffy**: Can I PLEASE just stake her? She's annoying!

**Sookie**: No, you can't.

**Buffy**: I just don't know how Elena can put up with that bitch! Who does she think she is?

**Eric**: Don't worry; we'll get her back in_ The Volturi Diaries_, Season 2!

**Spike**: I hope so.

**Edward**: There's no wedding without drama, isn't there?

**Willow**: Yeah. And if that ex-girlfriend of yours doesn't shut up in the next 2 seconds, I'm gonna freaking stake her!

**Edward**: Tanya, shut up!

**Tanya**: Why don't you come back to me?

**Buffy**: Shut up or else I'll stake you! I've had enough of your crap!

**Leah**: What about you, Buffy-bot? You think you can solve all your problems with a piece of wood? How's about I rip you to shreds, bitch!

**Bella**: That's enough, you two! This is my wedding, and I demand that you get along!

**Buffy**: I would, if your little friend here would stop acting like such a stuck-up brat! She gives girls everywhere a bad name!

**Bella**: I thought you meant me.

**Buffy**: Nah, you're OK. It's that Nadia Coffey who is such a jerkface!

**Bella**: I agree! Let's get her!

**Sookie**: OK.

**Elena**: Uh, who are we beating up again?

(_at Norwood Castle_)

**Nadia**: Bella Swan is so stupid. How can she choose a vampire instead of a cute normal boy?

**Bella**: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

**Nadia**: Uh, you're stupid.

**Bella**: I figured as such. Get her, girls! (_Bella, Buffy, Sookie, and Elena beat her up_)

**Adam**: (_breaks up the fight_) What the hell is wrong with you girls? You beat up my girlfriend? You're gonna pay for that!

**Buffy**: By doing what?

(_a few moments later_)

**Bella**: This is so outrageous! I have to babysit some woman who can't even take care of herself? This is my childhood all over again! (_her stomach expands_) And my water broke!

**Buffy**: Looks like we'll have to call Dr. Cullen. A baby's life is at stake!

**Elena**: Did you just say STAKE?

**Buffy**: Hello? Bella's in labor!

**Sookie**: Close enough! Take that, Buff-bot! (_she and Elena beat Buffy up_)

**Bella**: Will no one help me?

**Joanna**: Well, I am kind of a licensed nurse…

**Bella**: OK, but I really am not going to like doing this…

(_a few hours later_)

**Adam**: You ripped her stomach open?

**Joanna**: Duh. How else was she supposed to give birth?

**Bella**: Well, this is freaking great! The Volturi want to see my kid!

**Buffy**: Don't worry, Bella. They're just a bunch of jerkfaces. You can't take them seriously.

**Zooey Redbird**: And besides, why are you hanging out with her? She's under arrest for the murder of Count Von Count.

**Elena**: She killed…the Count?

**Sookie**: He was my favorite muppet on Sesame Street.

**Zooey**: I know. Arrest her! (_Buffy is arrested and taken away_)

**Bella**: Well, all's well that ends well, right?

**Edward**: Yes. But I have one question.

**Bella**: What is it?

**Edward**: When's the Charlie Bone movie coming out?

* * *

Bella will be returning in the next episode.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	65. The La Push Show and 50 Shades of Grey

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past few weeks, there's a book out called "50 Shades of Grey". Well, here's how some people reacted to the book...

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 40: **The La Push Show Reacts to "50 Shades of Grey"**

Where we last left off...

_FLASHBACK TO COMIC-CON:_

_**Woman**: Have any of you read Fifty Shades of Grey?_

_**Jacquel**: What? That new porn novel? No way!_

_**Leah**: Are you nuts? Like Jacquel and I are going to read that filth when Emmett flies! (just then, Emmett is hurled across the room. the audience gasps)_

_**Emmett**: I don't know who you think you are, but I'mma find you slap your face so hard it'll be on the back of your head and you'll be spending the rest of your life looking back on where you've been! (woman stares at Jacquel and Leah)_

_**Leah**: Still not gonna happen!_

(TODAY)

**Jacquel**: Can you believe that? She had some serious nerve to be asking us about "_50 Shades of Grey_". What's that all about, anyway?

**Jasper**: I don't know, but I saw Rosalie reading the book earlier this week.

**Leah**: Really?

**Alice**: Hmmm...I heard rumors that it started out as Twilight fan fiction.

**Leah**: And it should have stayed as a fanfic. Why do people think that they can turn away from fan fiction and write their own original stories? (_Jacquel clears her throat rather loudly_)

**Jacquel**: Ahem? That's what I'm trying to do!

**Leah**: Sorry; but still, why should this story be a bestseller?

**Alice**: Because it knocked Harry Potter off the bestseller's list.

**Audience**: Hooray!

**Jacquel**: Well, that's more like it! But I'm not so sure if I'm going to even look at it.

**Leah**: Let's take it to the La Push Show; the guys will know what to do.

***ON THE LA PUSH SHOW***

**Jacob**: (_laughing_) Are you two seriously complaining about that "_mommy porn_"?

**Sam**: Not on this show you don't! This is a MANLY show, and there will be no sex talk, unless it's about Jacquel.

**Jacquel**: Oh please! You were there when that woman asked us about the book! You saw how Leah reacted to it! I'm so pissed I should tell Bella about everything that you said!

**Bella**: (_walks onto the stage_) There's no need; I'm already here! (_audience cheers_) Jacob, I heard all about that "_porny_" book that you're trying to foist onto them and I think it's stupid. I have skimmed through it and at no point was there anything good written in it. I shall tell the author of this filth that there is a God and she better hope that he has mercy on her soul!

**Edward**: Bella, you're back! I can't believe that you ran out on me! I was such a wreck without you!

**Bella**: I'm sorry I caused you to worry. It's just that I was so mad at Jacob that I ran off to be with my mother. And she had the nerve to try to give me that icky piece of crap book to read. It made me sick!

**Edward**: Don't worry, Bella. All we need to do right now is to patch things up between us and get ready for Edward junior.

**Bella**: Speaking of which, he's already here. (_she shows him a small baby_)

**Edward**: Say what, now?

**Sam**: So, Jacquel, which one of us would you like to do a "_Fifty Shades_" roleplay with?

**Jacquel**: SHUT UP, SAM! (_storms off the stage in anger_)

**Sam**: Don't worry, boys; she'll be back...

* * *

Well, Edward and Bella are back together and now the show can really go on! Look for another episode to happen real soon!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	66. Breaking Dawn Part 2 Movie Trailer

And now for the trailer for Breaking Dawn, part 2! Watch for another mysterious guest star to appear with the Cullens!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 41: **Breaking Dawn Part 2 Movie Trailer**

_Last year, around this time..._

_**Jasper**: Well, that was kind of insane._

_**Bella**: Insane? You mean intense!_

_**Emmett**: I agree. Why the intensity?_

_**Embry**: Because that's what makes the movie look so good. And besides, it's only the first half of the movie. Not like we're not going to get to see some action in the second half._

_**Emmett**: I hope they don't do that fade-to-black thing they usually do in the movies...that's stupid._

_**Edward**: Well, we only have a few weeks until the movie..._

THIS YEAR...

**Bella**: Oh come on! Really? They could have done better than that!

**Emmett**: I'll say! Whatever happened to the arm-wrestling scene?

**Rosalie**: I'm sure she'll beat you...eventually!

**Jacob**: And I hear rumors that you were threatening to expose some rather dirty secrets about my grandfather in the movie.

**Rosalie**: Behave yourself or I _will_.

**Sam**: At last, we get to humiliate the Volturi in person! I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when we humiliate them!

**Bella**: And then we go back to the part where they call my father a "_stupid cop_". That's getting really old now!

**Jasper**: At least we don't have Damon and Stefan from them Vampire Diaries to deal with.

**Alice**: Oh, no! It's far worse than that. (_Barnabas Collins from "Dark Shadows" shows up_)

**Barnabas**: Hey, wassup, cousins?

**Edward**: Oh, no! Barnabas is here! Gah!

**Rosalie**: Why does HE have to be here? (_everyone moans at the sight of Barnabas_)

**Roger**: Hello, nephew. Would you mind staying with us for a while?

**Barnabas**: Sure.

**Everyone**: Oh, no!

* * *

Well, Barnabas is kind of related to the Cullens...

But anyway, let's get ready for the movie!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	67. Jacquel Picks a Wolf

Well, after seeing Jacquel dodge the "_horny_" wolves, one of them bites back! But who bites her? We're not telling!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 42: **Jacquel Picks a Wolf**

Years Ago...

_**Me**: Ok, now whose team am I really on? Vampires or werewolves? Fangs or Fur? Team Edward or Team Jacob? As of now, I can't decide. Whatever the results, I can assure you that things will get crazy. There you have it._  
_** Emmett**: be on OUR side!_  
_** Jacob**: no, side with us! we're hot and we run around without a shirt on!_  
_** Sam**: and you can even have sex with us if you want to!_  
_** Carlisle**: WHAT DID YOU SAY?_  
_** Me**: chillax, guys! it's just a rhetorical question anyway! Geez!_  
_** Seth**: I told you._

* * *

The Year Before...  
**Jacquel**: What shall I do today? I don't know, maybe a trip to La Push will settle my frazzled nerves.  
**Paul**: Like Sam said in those comments, you can have sex with us whenever you want.  
**Jacquel**: Are you sure?  
**Paul**: Maybe you need this…(_they kiss_)  
**Jacquel**: Get away from me, you horny wolf!

**Jared**: You do know you can have sex with us whenever you want.  
**Jacquel**: No way! I refuse to have sex with you wolves! You're all too freaking horny!  
**Jared**: Only for you.

**Jacquel**: What now, Embry?  
**Embry**: Damn you; you are worse than those other girls!  
**Jacquel**: Like how?  
**Embry**: Most girls make me have lustful thoughts, but you…YOU make me just want to go up to you and bang you like tomorrow doesn't exist!  
**Jacquel**: Really? But you're a werewolf and I'm a vampire.  
**Embry**: Does it look like I care right now?

**Jacquel**: What do you want, Quil?  
**Quil**: I'm upset.  
**Jacquel**: Maybe you never should have imprinted on a small child in the first place.  
**Quil**: That's my problem! I love Claire, but I can't always be playing with dolls and having tea parties with her! I'm a wolf, and I need sex!  
**Jacquel**: Well, you won't be doing anything like that with me!  
**Quil**: Yes you will! You're not 4 years old! You're a vampire! And besides, I need you!  
**Jacquel**: Oh really?  
**Quil**: Yes really!

**Jacquel**: What now, Seth?  
**Seth**: I kind of feel bad for Quil. Having to wait like that. He has to wait until Claire is 18 before they can have any type of relationship other than friendship.  
**Jacquel**: Right. And as for you…  
**Seth**: I can be totally cool around the Cullens, but when I'm with you, I just…  
**Jacquel**: Just what?  
**Seth**: I can't describe it, but then again, you just make me want to…  
**Jacquel**: Uh Seth, you do realize that you are too young for me, don't you?

**Jacquel**, So I can imply that Paul is horny, Jared seems to be nonchalant, Embry needs a girlfriend, Quil is frustrated, and Seth wants to grow up.  
**Jacob**: And now I'm here and I want you.  
**Jacquel**: Oh my God, Jacob! Back off!  
**Jacob**: Come on, Jacquel. Whenever you show up in La Push, you make us wolves go all horny. And a horny wolf is very dangerous than an angry wolf.  
**Jacquel**: Shut up, Jake.

**Jacquel**: Out of all the wolves I encountered today, Jacob just HAD to be the ultra-horny one!  
**Sam**: I see you decided to take up on our offer to have sex with us.  
**Jacquel**: No, Sam, I'm not having sex with you or those other wolves!  
**Sam**: Come on, Jacquel; you're no fun to be with! Even when you help us with the La Push Show, you NEVER let any of us so much as touch you!  
**Jacquel**: Sam, I just like to keep myself…respectable.  
**Sam**: And you just make us even hornier than ever! Emily and Kim are upset because Jared and I are demanding sex from them and Kim even said that it's your fault we are like that!  
**Jacquel**: So what? You have mates!  
**Sam**: But YOU are doing this to us! Can't you just give it up and let us love you? That's your problem, you never let anyone in!  
**Jacquel**: Only because you didn't know I had my heart broken once. I swore to keep it under lock and key. THAT means I refuse to have sex with you or your wolfy brothers!

(_After a long day of dodging attempts from the wolves to have sex with them, Jacquel makes her way back to the Cullen house_)  
**Carlisle**: Long day, wasn't it, Jacquelyn?  
**Jacquel**: Yes it was! All the freaking wolves were so freaking horny today!  
**Carlisle**: I can't believe them! They wanted you to have sex with them, didn't they?  
**Jacquel**: You better believe it!

* * *

TODAY

**Sam**: Jacquel, we need to talk.

**Jacquel**: About what?

**Paul**: You really need to stop with the avoiding us except when we do the show.

**Jacquel**: If this is about the 50 Shades of Grey book, I'm still not reading it!

**Jared**: No, it's about the year before last, when you were deliberately cruel to us and you didn't give us a chance with you.

**Seth**: Plus, you said that I was too young for you. That's hurtful.

**Jacquel**: Well, it's not my fault that you wolves are so fricking horny. Now please, get off my back so I can go home and get ready for the Halloween special. (_she leaves_)

**Embry**: Why is she so cruel and mean to us? We just want her and she rejects us!

**Quil**: Well, that's expected of the resident virgin.

**Jacob**: Oh, so that's what we're calling it now. ***She's*** the _virgin_?

**Sam**: I say it's time for a little intervention here. Dr. Cullen needs to stop pulling her strings.

**Paul**: Yeah, let's get past those horny wolf-blocking Cullens! (_they go to the Cullen House_)

**Carlisle**: Uh, Sam? Why are you guys here? Jacquelyn's not home right now and...

**Sam**: Stop treating Jacquel like she's still a child! When last I checked, she's almost a certain big number!

**Paul**: You can't protect her forever!

**Carlisle**: Well, I don't like it when you boys just barge in demanding to speak to Jacquelyn like that. She's not read for this kind of relationship, and certainly not with you.

**Sam**: Well, for that, you and your family have been banned from the Halloween party...

**Emmett**: No! You can't ban us from the party! Why?

**Paul**: Your father is being unreasonable, Emmett. He needs to stop now or else we'll go back to boundaries.

**Carlisle**: In that case, I won't let Jacquelyn work on your show anymore.

**Seth**: Nooooo! You can't do that! Why are you so mean to us?

**Emmett**: Carlisle, you gotta say yes! If you don' they can't do the show without her!

(_in the backyard_)

**Jacquel**: I won't give in to those stupid wolves! I won't! (_sees Embry_) Embry, why are you here?

**Embry**: You're going to ruin the Halloween party!

**Jacquel**: So what?

**Embry**: Please! You gotta come back! Why are you like this? Why?

**Jacquel**: Do you really want to kno...

**Embry**: YES!

**Jacquel**: Very well...

_FLASHBACK_

**Young Jacquel**: I can't believe you, Harry Potter! You're going to reconcile with the bitch who ruined your life just because her mother threatened you?

**Young Harry**: Sorry, Jacquel, but I'm afraid that I can't divorce her and marry you. You can keep the kid, however.

**Young Jacquel**: You know what? Go ahead and go back to that whore! But if you run into anymore trouble, ***don't*** come crawling back to me! (_flashback ends_)

**Jacquel**: Which was pretty sad because we used to date.

**Embry**: But you just can't let one bad relationship ruin your chances for true love!

**Jacquel**: Oh, and what do you know of love? All I know was that you and Billy have yet to fully reconcile.

**Embry**: But what if I don't want to have anything to do with him?

**Jacquel**: Well, that's pretty mean coming from you.

**Embry**: And as for Delicia...

**Jacquel**: Her father isn't worth knowing her. Mine just took off as soon as mom told him that I was going to be born.

**Embry**: Well, guess that's the reason why you hide behind Carlisle like a shield.

**Jacquel**: I do NOT! And why do you care? It's not like you like me or anything like that.

**Embry**: Well, I'm not like Sam, who just wants to get his hand on your butt.

**Jacquel**: Oh really?

**Embry**: Yeah really!

**Jacquel**: Prove it! (_they kiss. Jesse walks outside and sees them. just then, Jacquel takes off into the woods and Embry is left standing alone_)

**Jesse**: Uh, did you jus-(_Embry interrupts him_)

**Embry**: You saw nothing! (_he leaves. Jesse is seen shaking his head_)

* * *

Well, what do you know? Jacquel/Embry are official! Was they right or what?

The Halloween episode is coming!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	68. The La Push Show Halloween Special 2

It's Halloween night, and guess what? Time for another round of scary fun with the Wolves!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Part 43: **The La Push Show Halloween Special, Part 2**

(_a few days later, cameras are set up all over the place. a set of bleachers is set up in front of a stage. the audience (all wearing costumes) is whooping and cheering. Jacob comes out and announces_)

**Jacob**: (_dressed as Spider-Man_) Live from Washington State, it's the La Push Show! (_audience cheers as he takes his place at a desk that was placed on the stage. Jacob pulls out a notebook and says to the audience_) I have the lineup: my wife, Leah (dressed as Merida); brother-in-law Seth (dressed as a raven); my best friends Embry (dressed as a vampire) and Quil (dressed as Tyrion Lannister); and the rest, which consists of Collin (dressed as a pirate), Brady (dressed as an Olympic athlete), Jared (dressed as the Huntsman), Paul (dressed as a rock star), and Sam (dressed as a news reporter)! (_they show up and the audience cheers_) Hey, guys, what's with your costumes?

**Leah**: I'm going as Merida from "_Brave_"…(_audience claps sporadically_) I knew I should have went as Snow White!

**Seth**: I'm a raven.

**Jacob**: Really?

**Seth**: Nevermore!

**Jacob**: OK. (_to Embry and Quil_) What are you dressed as?

**Embry**: I'm a vampire.

**Quil**: I'm Tyrion Lannister, from "_Game of Thrones_". (_audience cheers_) And he's me.

**Tyrion**: (_in the audience_) I did NOT agree to do this, Quil! (_Bella, sitting next to him, laughs_)

**Brady**: I'm a pirate.

**Collin**: I'm an Olympic athlete.

**Jared**: I'm the Huntsman from "_Snow White & the Huntsman_".

**Paul**: I'm a rock star.

**Sam**: And I'm a news reporter.

**Jacob**: And there you have it, folks...our new costumes! Say, who else in here is dressed as who? (_spotlight on Bella_) And who are you supposed to be?

**Bella**: I'm Katniss Everdeen from "_The Hunger Games_", and she's me.

**Seth**: And why?

**Quil**: We're going to a Halloween party after the show, and we all have to dress as each other.

**Bella**: That's because we're part of the Anti-Potter Fantasy Club.

**Paul**: Yeah right. Two can play that game. (_runs backstage and changes his outfit_)

**Embry**: What's he up to?

**Brady**: I don't know. (_Paul reappears on stage dressed as Emmett_)

**Paul**: Hey, everyone! My name is Emmett! I like to play Call of Duty and my girlfriend treats me like a five-year-old when she should be treating me like as a man! (_audience laughs_)

**Emmett**: Hey, that's not funny! Stop it!

**Paul**: It's the hard truth, Emmett. Deal with it!

**Jacquel**: (_dressed as Snow White_) Ok, guys, let's play a game here: guess the movie that we are in…

**Jacob**: Well, why are we playing this game?

**Jacquel**: Well, it's to make up for last year's fiasco. So, guess which movie I'm in!

**Audience member**: _Mirror Mirror_?

**Jacquel**: Wrong answer! I'm in _Snow White & the Huntsman_! You lose!

**Jared**: Well, I kind of can't play because my costume gives away the movie…but which movie is Sam in?

**Audience member**: Uh, _Newsweek_?

**Jacob**: Nope! Sam's _Anchorman_! Now, which movie is Quil in?

**Audience member**: Game of Thrones is NOT a movie! And Embry is Dark Shadows!

**Collin**: Speaking of which, where is Embry?

***backstage***

**Embry**: I'm losing my mind.

**Quil**: Why? Is it because of her?

**Embry**: Yeah. I kissed her. Oh man, Sam and Carlisle are gonna be so mad!

**Quil**: Let's just sit down and say nothing until the extravaganza.

**Embry**: Agreed. (_they go back onstage_)

**Jared**: Well, I guess that's it, right?

**Paul**: Not really. I have to deal with Rosalie and Emmett.

**Seth**: And we've got parties to attend.

**Quil**: Plus, Bella and I have to get to our party as well. See you later. (_he, Bella, and Tyrion leave_)

**Jacob**: Well, that's all the time that we have for this show...so, payce out and have a fun and safe Halloween! See you all later!

(_after the show goes off_)

**Embry**: Well, at least this isn't an epic fail.

**Jacob**: Yeah, but there will be others.

* * *

And that's the _I Got Twilighted Halloween Special_! Have fun, everyone!

Next chapter, we'll be doing the Breaking Dawn 5-part extravaganza...in 19 days!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	69. The Jacob Roast

_Breaking Dawn part 2_ the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Breaking Dawn part 2 the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 44: **The Jacob Roast**

(_and now for the mother of all roasts_!)

**The Roast of Jacob Black**  
As seen on Fantasy Central  
November 16, 2012

**Eragon**: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! I'm Eragon from "_Inheritance Cycle_" and we're coming to you live from Forks, Washington! (_audience applauds_) I know, we should roast Edward and Bella, but come on! You really wanna roast ***them***? (_audience laughs_) I say, let;s roast the guy who got friend-zoned 100 times throughout the show, Jacob Black! (_applause from audience as Jacob is brought in by Ron Weasley of "Harry Potter" and Zoey Redbird of "House of Night". He is in a giant dog cage._)

**Jacob**: Oh, come on! Really? A dog cage?

**Eragon**: Yes. A dog cage. Right over there! (_Ron and Zoey take the cage and set it in a corner._) Who wants to roast Jacob? (_audience cheers_) Let's begin! (_someone comes to the microphone_)

**Bella**: Well, Since I'm the main hero of the story, I give out the first roast. Jacob is, for lack of a better word, a good friend, but a terrible boyfriend.

**Crowd**: Ooooooohhhhh!

**Alice**: I can't stand him! He acts all high and mighty because he turns into a wolf! (_audience laughs_)

**Sam**: I don't know why, but I don't like Jacob because of his crackfic parents...

**Crowd**: Oooooooohhhhh!

**Jacob**: Oh, so we're back to that again? Dude, I'm so beating you up!

**Seth**: Also, I just wanna say that Jacob is just a sillier immature version of Edward...

**Crowd**: Oooooooohhhhh!

**Jacquel Rassenworth**: I have to admit that I really don't like Jacob Black. Why? Well, it's not because he's a wolf, but he reminds me of my ex-boyfriend Sereno. What, with all the manipulation and whatnot...

**Crowd**: Oooooooohhhhh!

**Jacob**: You shut your lying mouth!

**Jacquel Rassenworth**: Why don't YOU?

**Eragon**: OK, that's enough. Let's get some opinions from the Anti-Potter Club.

**Katniss**: I could so beat him in the Hunger Games! (_crowd laughs_)

**Lyra**: The alethiometer says that he'll lose his imprint and be forced to be with someone else…

**Crowd**: Ooooooohhhhh!

**Charlie Bone**: I say that Jacob and Asa would get into a fight...

**Asa**: I'm still better than him!

**Quil**: Yeah right. I have to live with him. Plus, Jake is such a freaking hothead, ***HE*** caused global warming! (_crowd laughs_)

**Percy**: I hope Jacob doesn't show up at Camp Half-Blood, as he'd give old Chiron a heart attack...

**Crowd**: Ooooooohhhhh!

**Tyrion**: I hope that Jacob never comes to King's Landing, as he'll probably burn down ehe city with his hot-headedness…(_crowd laughs_)

**Eragon**: And that was the Anti-Potter Fantasy Club. Anyone else have something they want to add?

**Harry Potter**: I don't know what was up with him in that "_Something Wicked This Way Comes_" fan-fic, but Jacob was a complete jerkface! (_crowd laughs_) I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to slap him for being such a jerk to Bella! And the fact that Bella chose some other wolf over him doesn't help much in Jake's favor! (_crowd laughs_)

**Jacquel Romanov**: In every fanfic I'm in, Jacob always **HAS** to be the jerkface. Why? (_crowd laughs_)

**Emmett**: And Jacob is so lame, he can't catch up to Edward! (_crowd laughs_)

**Jasper**: And he gives werewolves every a bad name with his jerkfacedness, just like his dumb crack parents! (_crowd laughs_)

**Rosalie**: Now that we're here, I have a confession to make...Jacob, your grandpa was really good in bed.

**Crowd**: Ooooooohhhhh!

**Jacob**: What? You actually _SLEPT_ with him? Oh no you don't, bimbo! You're dead!

**Eragon**: OK, that's quite enough!

**Leah**: Jacob has some serious nerve acting like he liked Bella when she just wanted to be his friend. Can you say "_friend-zoned_"? (_crowd laughs_)

**Sirius Black**: I've got something to say...what makes you all think he's my son?

**Jacuel Romanov**: Well, his last name is Black and he's a werewolf...

**Lupin**: Don't go there, Jacquelyn!

**Artemis Fowl**: He's your crack-fic kid! Live with it. (_crowd laughs_)

**Eragon**: Is everyone done? OK, Jacob here has some words to say…(_Jacob shows up on stage_) Jacob: This "_roast_" is a joke! You guys are such idiots! When am I gonna get the respect that I deserve?

**Renesmee**: How's about _NEVER_!

**Jacob**: Say what? (_crowd laughs_)

**Renesmee**: You imprint on me and you're disgusting! And besides, Albus-Severus and I are friends!

**Albus-Severus Potter**: Best friends!

**Renesmee**: And besides, we are NEVER gonna get together!

**Jacob**: Awww, why you gotta be so mean to me? I saved you! You can't do this to me! (_leaves the stage in tears_)

**Eragon**: And that's all the time that we have tonight! I'm Eragon and this has been the roasting of Jacob Black! Goodnight, everyone! (_applause from audience. scene fades to black. credits roll_)

* * *

So, Jacob gets the ultimate roasting and Renesmee kicks him out of her life for good. Seems like they'll never get together, right?

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

Also, I moved to Wordpress last summer, so if you can't find igottwilighted. blogspot , it doesn't exist anymore. Just go to thetwilightfunblog. wordpress and that's where you can find me.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	70. Conflicts on The La Push Show

_Breaking Dawn part 2_ the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Breaking Dawn part 2 the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 45: **Conflicts on The La Push Show**

(_a few days later, cameras are set up all over the place. a set of bleachers is set up in front of a stage. the audience is whooping and cheering. Jacob comes out and announces_)

**Jacob**: Live from Washington State, it's the La Push Show! (_audience cheers as he takes his place at a desk that was placed on the stage. Jacob pulls out a notebook and says to the audience_) I have the lineup: my wife, Leah; brother-in-law Seth; my best friends Embry and Quil; and the rest, which consists of Collin, Brady, Jared, Paul, and Sam! (_they show up and the audience cheers_)

**Leah**: Today, you guys are in for a real treat, as we'll be helping the Cullens give the people who ruined their lives the ULTIMATE BOOT!

**Paul**: Which means, we get to kick them out the story…permanently!

**Roger**: About time, too! I've had enough of this crap!

**Paul**: Well, except for the old man, we have a slew of people who have to go. First up, we have Charles Evenson, who was known as Esme's abusive first husband! (_Charles shows up, still ugly and mangled; audience boos_)

**Billy**: Didn't Esme push his head into the garbage disposal back in episode 12?

**Charlie**: Yes.

**Jacob**: Esme, you claim that he has beaten you?

**Esme**: Yes. He destroyed my life.

**Charles**: But I didn't mean to…(_audience boos again; Jacquel shoots an apple at him and it hits him in the face_)

**Paul**: Strike one. Better watch it, pal!

**Charles**: But I just wanted to be a good husband…

**Esme**: Yeah…when you weren't drinking! (_audience boos again; Jacquel shoots another apple at him and it hits him in the face_)

**Paul**: Strike two. You're on thin ice, buddy!

**Jesse**: I just wanted a normal family, like they have on those reality shows! But you had to be a complete jerk!

**Charles**: I did want to be a good father, but your mother never gave me a chance! (_audience boos again; Jacquel shoots a third apple at him and it hits him in the face_)

**Jacob**: Ooooh…that's three strikes! You're outta here! (_Donnie and Jeff seize Charles_)

**Jeff**: We can do this the easy way or the fun way, bub! (_Charles is chucked into literary limbo_)

**Sam**: So sad. Well, next up, we have Royce King II. (_Royce shows up; audience boos_)

**Royce**: Awww, come on, people! (_Jacquel shoots a lemon at him_)

**Jacob**: Not yet, Hawkeye! (_to Rosalie_) Is this the guy who ruined your life?

**Rosalie**: I thought he loved me, but I should have known that he liked to hurt women for kicks!

**Royce**: Rose, I would never hurt you…(_audience boos again; Jacquel shoots a lemon at him and it hits him in the face_)

**Sam**: Strike one. Better shut up if you know what's good for you.

**Royce**: I'm going to ask you again: Why did you choose that redneck boy over me?

**Emmett**: You callin' me a redneck! Better take that back! (_audience boos again; Jacquel shoots another lemon at him and it hits him in the face_)

**Sam**: Using derogatory words? Strike two for you!

**Rosalie**: And I bet that you didn't even love me at all, just my money!

**Royce**: I would never want you for your money…(_audience boos again; Jacquel shoots a third lemon at him and it hits him in the face_)

**Sam**: That's three strikes! Donnie, Jeff, take care of him, please! (_Donnie and Jeff seize Royce and toss him into literary limbo_)

**Jared**: Well, this is beginning to be less fun and more violent. But anyway, we have Maria, who was rumored to have destroyed Jasper's life…(_Maria, Lucy, and Nettie show up; audience boos_)

**Maria**: Hello, Jasper…(_Alice sees her_)

**Alice**: Not this time, bitch! This time, you DIE! (_pounces on Maria, Lucy, and Nettie and they disappear off the stage_)

**Jacob**: Ok…so, Alice decided to take this into her own hands. Who do we go after next?

**Jared**: The Annoying Nomads?

**Sam**: Nah. They're not worth our time.

**Paul**: The bear that killed Emmett?

**Leah**: Paul, we can't put the bear on trial.

**Brady**: How's about the Volturi?

**Colin**: Especially Aro. He's too gay for Carlisle. (_Alice shows up_)

**Jacob**: What did you do to them, Alice?

**Alice**: I destroyed them for good.

**Jacob**: Indeed. Let's humiliate the Volturi. (_Aro shows up_)

**Aro**: Don't even think of humiliating us, you stupid wolves!

**Seth**: Well, we've got some pretty damning secrets regarding you. Just think of "_Unlucky Twilight_"

**Caius**: Oh come on, really?

**Sam**: You're stupid, dude.

**Caius**: OK, so I hurt Jacquelyn and she ended up with kids. What gives?

**Seth**: This! (_four very tiny children pounce on the Volturi and give them hugs_)

**Aro**: Oh no! Not Jamey, Poppy, Pansy, and Peony!

**Marcus**: Even worse, the puppies are here! (_just then Shadow and Storm show up and jump around the Volturi_)

**Aro**: Eeeekkk! Not those little dogs again!

**Sulpicia**: But we love our little dogs!

**Caius**: Even worse, the cop is here!

**Marcus**: Oh no, we're gonna get busted! Let's leave now before it happens. (_Volturi leaves_)

**Seth**: And that's all the time we have for the La Push Show! We'll be hosting our new show on Fantasy Central! See you all later!

(_after th__e show goes off_)

**Embry**: I didn't even get a chance to speak in this episode.

**Jacob**: I know. Why?

* * *

And that takes care of one big thing that has plagued this story from the beginning.

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

Also, I moved to Wordpress last summer, so if you can't find igottwilighted. blogspot , it doesn't exist anymore. Just go to thetwilightfunblog. wordpress and that's where you can find me.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	71. The Infernal Love Triangle

_Breaking Dawn part 2_ the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Breaking Dawn part 2 the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 46: **The Infernal Love Triangle**

Where we last left off:

_**Jacquel: **Harry Potter and I used to date until he betrayed me by going back to the whore who poisoned him._

_**Embry: **Well, guess that's the reason why you hide behind Carlisle like a shield._

_**Jacquel:** I do NOT! And why do you care? It's not like you like me or anything like that._

_**Embry: **Well, I'm not like Sam, who just wants to get his hand on your butt._

_**Jacquel: **Oh really?_

_**Embry: **Yeah really!_

_**Jacquel: **Prove it! (they kiss. Jesse walks outside and sees them. just then, Jacquel takes off into the woods and Embry is left standing alone)_

_**Jesse: **Uh, did you jus—(Embry interrupts him)_

_**Embry: **You saw nothing! (he leaves. Jesse is seen shaking his head)_

* * *

**Quil**: Seriously, dude! You and HER?

**Embry**: Did you pay attention to the fine print in the story?

**Jacob**: No, he didn't.

**Embry**: Remember the "_Horny Wolves Episode_"?

FLASHBACK

_**Jacquel**: I didn't ask to be told I could have sex with those horny wolves! (Embry sees her) Now what, Embry?_

_**Embry**: So Paul and Jared got to you, didn't they?_

_**Jacquel**: What now, Embry?_

_**Embry**: Damn you; you are worse than those other girls!_

_**Jacquel**: Like how?_

_**Embry**: Most girls make me have lustful thoughts, but you…YOU make me just want to go up to you and bang you like tomorrow doesn't exist!_

_**Jacquel**: Really? But you're a werewolf and I'm a vampire._

_**Embry**: Does it look like I care right now? (they kiss)_

**Quil**: No, I did not see that coming.

**Jacob**: And all those subtle hints in the story where you're always standing next to her and stuff?

**Embry**: Let's not mention "_Her Final Days_", where the writer is practically shouting that we were a pair.

**Jacob**: Indeed.

**Sam**: Hey guys, you gotta check this out: THere's a blog article about you and Jacquel!

**Embry**: What? Lemme see! (_Carlisle approaches them; he is very angry_)

**Carlisle**: You wolves are in big trouble! Why am I finding this out?

**Sam**: What?

**Carlisle**: (_shows them blog_) Look at this!

**Blog Article**: Jacquel Romanov is apparently dead. OK, she's not really dead, but she's going the way of all those 1990′s pop culture figures who meets someone, marries them, settles down, and drops off the face of the earth.

Yesterday, Jacquel was seen with Embry Call at the world premiere of the movie Wreck It Ralph (_which neither of them saw_), bringing a shocking end to the speculation of who she was dating since the La Push Show was featured at Comic-Con last summer.

Says a celebrity (_who will not be named_) "_I remember when she was dating Harry Potter in high school and he said he wanted to marry her someday. But what happened to the brave Jacquel who used to love them and break them_?"

Neither Jacquel nor Embry were reached in time for comment.

**Carlisle**: Can you boys explain why I'm finding out about this?

**Jacob**: Because Supernatural Times is the most popular blog on the web?

**Embry**: Don't even start, Jake.

**Carlisle**: I thought I told you boys to keep away from Jacquelyn. I warned you. But someone decided NOT to listen to me, or did they?

**Sam**: Ok, so Embry broke the rules, but don't get mad at him. If you have someone to get mad it, it's my fault.

**Carlisle**: Indeed.

(_meanwhile_)

**Bella**: Great, just great. I cant believe that you killed feminism, Jacquel.

**Jacquel**: I didn't; it was already dying by the time I was born.

**Bella**: I see. But why Embry?

**Jacquel**: I don't know. And not even Alice saw it coming.

**Alice**: Indeed. But you and those wolves? You know I couldn't see around those mutts.

**Jacquel**: Alice, be nice to Embry. He hates Billy for not being there for him. Alice?

**Alice**: Your ex-boyfriend is coming.

**Jacquel**: Dammit! I can't believe him! He's got some serious nerve to be crawling back to me!

**Bella**: You broke up with him?

**Jacquel**: I can't be with someone who drains your feelings so that you can't ever feel anything in his presence. You know that, and you had to keep pushing Jacob away until he got that message.

**Alice**: Plus, Harry was Sereno to your Jacquel Rassenworth. The story wouldn't be popular if Jacquel Rassenworth didn't end up with Gordon and stayed with Sereno.

**Jacquel**: Indeed.

**Alice**: He's coming within a few hours and we need to confront him.

**Bella**: Yeah. He needs to be put in his place.

(_a few hours later_)

**Emmett**: Jacquel, we need to talk.

**Jasper**: Don't listen to nothing Emmett says; it doesn't make sense.

**Emmett**: Jacquel, you don't need this.

**Jacquel**: I don't need _what_? To be happy with who I picked? For your information, I picked Embry for me, not because everyone thinks we look good together!

**Rosalie**: Yeah, but I don't think Carlisle approves.

**Harry Potter**: (shows up) And neither do I. (_everyone glares at him_)

**Jacquel**: What the hell are you doing here?

**Harry Potter**: You can't do this, Jacq! I can't let you.

**Jacquel**: Yeah, like you can't help but go back to that whore Ginny Weasley! She ruined your life!

**All**: Ooooohhhh!

**Jacquel**: And besides, I don't want you anyway! You lied to me!

**Alice**: Plus, you're the Sereno to her Jacquel Rassenworth!

**Rosalie**: What is she talking about?

**Emmett**: Jacquel Rassenworth. Don't ask.

**Esme**: (_walks in_) Well, I'd like to know what's going on here?

**Emmett**: Jacquel's ex-boyfriend is back and she doesn't want him no more!

**Esme**: I wonder why.

**Jacquel**: We used to date and then he dumped me for Gin-bot.

**Rosalie**: Indeed.

**Embry**: (_sees Jacquel_) Hey, you. Get away from her!

**Quil**: Yeah. We know all about your dirty sins!

**Harry Potter**: Like what did I do to her?

**Embry**: You knocked her up and left her, that's what you did! (all gasp)

**Jacob**: Yeah. And guess what? You're the very thing we Americans don't like. The man who gets the girl pregnant and leaves her!

**Harry Potter**: And what about you? You turned her against me!

**Jacquel**: Well, I was against you the moment you refused to marry me! We could have been that perfect family, the family that everyone wants to be. But you had to be an asshole about Ginny and leave me! That's why I chose Embry; he'll never hurt me or leave me like you did!

**All**: Ooooohhhh!

**Carlisle**: Well, I guess I can't get you away from Embry now.

**Jacquel**: (_glares at him_) *YOU* did this?

**Carlisle**: I just wanted to make you see reason here, Jacquely—(_just then, Jacquel pounces on him_)

**Alice**: Well, this story isn't ending anytime soon!

* * *

No, it is NOT over! In fact, it's only beginning! Not to worry, as this conflict will be resolved during this story's finale, which is aptly titled "The I Got Twilighted Wedding"!

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

Also, I moved to Wordpress last summer, so if you can't find igottwilighted. blogspot , it doesn't exist anymore. Just go to thetwilightfunblog. wordpress. com and that's where you can find me.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	72. The Jace Wayland Situation

_Breaking Dawn part 2_ the movie is here, and how do I celebrate? By giving you all FUNfiction, of course!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

Since Breaking Dawn part 2 the movie is in theaters today (I saw it, I loved it!) I figure I'd do a couple of Twilight-related fics just to show how much I love the Twilight series. So, here we go!

Part 47: **The Jace Wayland Situation**

Episode 4: _Edward and Jacob are reservedly jealous of Jace Wayland of the Mortal Instruments Series because he had apparently tried to mess with Stephenie Meyer._ Here's a clip:

_**Jace**: Awww, are you two jealous because I happen to be good-looking and you're just poofballs?_

_**Jacob**: And what about you, weakling? You're a poor excuse for a Sacred bastard child of a steaming spider-molesting giraffe! How dare you please our writer!_

_**Jace**: Oh please! You're just a stupid shapeshifter, you Immortal bastard child of a salivating trogg-raping marsupial!_

_**Edward**: Oh no you didn't! No one calls him that except me!_

_**Jacquel**: Stop being such a jerkface!_

_**Jace**: Why do you waste your time with these immature Unholy bastard children of a bulbous lobster-breeding squid? You should be with me instead. They can use someone like you at the Council. (Jacob and Edward glare with jealousy as they watch Jace interact quite seductively with Jacquel)_

Episode 7: _Jace crashes Jacob and Leah's wedding..._

_**Jace**: (to Jacquel) Hey, how's life with those Exalted bastard children of a steaming orc-headed giraffe?_

_**Edward**: (notices Jace) You again?_

_**Jace**: Why not? I love weddings! Drinks all around! But where's your little friend?_

_**Edward**: He got married today._

_**Jace**: Oh, to a woman who is uglier than Ugly Betty? Shame. He really is an Unholy son of a swollen lobster-brained rat!_

* * *

** Edward:** I know that Jace Wayland is going to rear his despicable head once again.

**Jacob: **Not to worry; I've got a list of insults that'll shut him up quick. (J_ace Wayland arrives_)

**Jace: **Hello to my favorite poofies…NOT!

**Edward: **Why are you here?

**Jace:** I just got back from seeing you guys's movie. Loved it, by the way.

**Jacob: **Well, please leave now before I rip you apart, you Dripping Sacred bastard child of a reptile-headed Aye-Aye!

**Jace: **That is the lamest comeback I've ever heard, you Shrieking Holy bastard child of a trogg-headed Gelada!

**Edward: **Oh, so we're back to _that_ again, You Distended Glorious bastard son of a wombat-eating Brandling!

**Jacob: **And he's gonna try to seduce Jacquel again.

**Jacquel: **Not this time he won't! This time, I'm with someone else!

**Jace: **And which one of these bastard sons of a goblin-hating Galago are you dating?

**Embry: **She's dating me, You Glorious bastard child of a wombat-minded Blenny! Stay away from her!

**Jace: **I see. Well you know where to find me…or better yet, you shall be my date to the world premiere of my movie!

**Edward: **Wait a minute…since when are you doing a movie?

**Jacob: **He's doing a movie?

**Jacquel: **Remember the book I was reading earlier?

**Jacob: **City of Bones?

**Jace: **Yes. That's my movie! Guess what? I'm going to be more popular than you, you Wretched Immortal bastard sons of a reptile-hating Isatis!

**Edward: **Too bad our movie is out right now and yours is not!

**Jace: **And I hope you're planning to have me on your little talk show when it happens.

**Jacob: **Never in this life!

**Edward: **And besides, this year is the end of the world as we know it. Even if your movie is released, the timeframe will be restarted and stuff.

**Jacquel: **Meaning that the year will be 2013.

**Edward: **Indeed.

**Embry: **Now please leave, you Freak bastard child of a scorpian-brained Accentor!

**Jace:** But I'm still going to be in the grande finale of your story, so I'm not going anywhere!

**Edward: **I hate you, You Shrieking Glorious bastard son of a reptile-hating Springbok!

* * *

And we celebrate the return of Jace Wayland! And yes, he's doing a movie! Look for Jace in the "I Got Twilighted Wedding"!

More shall arrive...we're gonna do this as an all weekend thing!

Also, I moved to Wordpress last summer, so if you can't find igottwilighted. blogspot , it doesn't exist anymore. Just go to thetwilightfunblog. wordpress. com and that's where you can find me.

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	73. The I Got Twilighted Series Finale

And now the finale of the fan fiction known as "_I Got Twilighted_"

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

And now it all comes to this point:

When I started this little fan fiction back in 2009, I had no idea of where the story was going to be taking me. I didn't know that I would be putting my Harry Potter obsession in the trash can and I'd never dreamed that I'd be classifying myself as a "Twilighter". Plus, I never even thought that I'd be writing fan fiction for adults only and that my Twilight-related fan fiction would be mostly R-rated (as opposed to my PG-13 rated Harry Potter fan fiction).

Well, it's time for all of us to say goodbye to this story and prepare for the next chapter in my Twilight fandom life.

* * *

**Emmett: **Now is it time for you to end the story?

**Me: **Yes.

**Emmett: **NOOOO! You can't do this! You can't end the story!

**Me: **Sorry, Emmett, but I ***did*** say that I was ending this story at the end of November. So, this is it.

**Emmett: **But what about the movie?

**Me: **Yeah, I did say that we were doing a movie. A 2-part movie, that is.

**Emmett: **You're doing a 2-part movie?

**Me: **Yup. That's something I've never done before. So, let's get the others together and prepare for the movie that'll end this story!

* * *

**Jacob:** Well, are you going to be doing the finale the way you did the Harry Potter finale?

**Jacquel: **Uh, no way! ***That*** finale was nothing more than an epic bomb!

**Jacob: **I was just saying.

**Jacquel: **And now we go back to where it all began…

(_Cue series premiere of "I Got Twilighted", where the Cullens and their allies go up against the Volturi_)

_**Aro:** All right, let's end this crap!_

_**Stephan: **Oh shut your traps, you Sacred bastard children of a festering serpent-abusing wombat! I laugh at your funny looking despicable brown robes, which are no more fit for a peasant with an abnormally large nose! I rip into all your Sarah Palin-like grandmothers, you sons of a pimply anaconda-brained worm! (Cullens start laughing) Now back off, or I will insult you again! (The witnesses all laugh at the Volturi, who are clearly insulted)_

_**Volturi: **Hey! Remember who you work for! (the laughter dies immediately)_

_**Vladimir: **Do you have a death wish, you Exalted sons of a crazy orc-faced trogg? We shall tear you into scraps and scatter your unworthy remains all over the world, and every vampire who ever walked the face of God's green earth will know what horrible Immortal sons of a screaming wombat-eating anaconda that you are! (someone tosses a three-headed frog at his head) Right! That settles it!_

_**Stephen: **Let's prepare for battle! (Bella sobs as she hold Renesmee and Edward looks worried. Everyone else is freaking out. Just then, a rather enormous army is seen dressed in rather crappy clothes designed by the Volturi. Caius addresses the Cullens and their allies)_

_**Caius: **Listen up, you pathetic traitors: Today you will all pay a huge price for your rather twisted lifestyle. In the name of the Vampire God, we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead and we have_ Edward Cullen and Bella Cullen and Alice Cullen in our clutches! (_to the troops_) CHARGE! (_troops rushed towards the Cullens. Everyone is very very frightened. Just then, Jacquel pauses the scene_)

**Jacquel: **Now, as we all know, this is the part where the police show up and arrest the Volturi for "_disturbing the peace of the town_". But that's not what really happened, right?

**Audience: **What?

**Jacquel: **Well, the Volturi getting busted by the cops was how it ***could*** have happened, so let's have another senario: (_unpauses scene_)

**Stephan: **So, they all want a fight? Well, let's give them a battle to remember!

**Jacquel: **(_jumps in front of the screen_) Warning: **the following scene contains spoilers for anyone who has not seen Breaking Dawn**** part 2! **(_Cullens and allies charge into battle. For the next 30 minutes, there is a huge battle being fought with many lives being claimed on both sides_)

**Marcus:** Yay! Finally, I get to see Didyme again! (_Vladimir and Stephan tear him into pieces and burn him_)

**Caius: **If this is about "_Unlucky Twilight_", then I'm sorry! (_Tanya, Kate, and Garrett tear him into pieces and burn him_)

**Aro: **Oh come on you two! Really? You're just gonna tear me to pieces? Just like that?

**Bella: **Yes. (_she and Edward pounce on Aro and tear him to pieces and burn him_)

**Jacquel: **And that's the way it could have happened. But why don't we try this…

**Stephan: **So, they all want a fight? Well, let's give them a battle to remember!

**Vladimir: **Agreed!

**Carlisle: **So you're just going to fight them for the sake of a fight?

**Stephan: **Well, they threatened us, so we must bite back.

**Carlisle:** Well, can't we just settle this…peacefully? (_everyone laughs at him_) Yeah, that's just what expected. Everyone to laugh at me.

**Roger: **Oh come on now, Carlisle! If they want their war, just give them their war!

**Carlisle:** Dad! What are you doing here! You're not supposed to be in this scene!

**Roger: **Yes I am! And now that we're all here, I've got something that I want to say to you…(_to the Volturi_) I always knew that you three were nothing more than a bunch of demons, but you have taken this too far! Now, I'm going to do what I should have done during the first Christmas special! (_tosses Holy Water and fire at the Volturi_)

**Aro: **Eeeeeeeekkkk! I knew you'd do something like that, you pribbling beef-witted malt-worm!

**Roger: **That's no less than what you deserve, you stupid demon! (_Volturi shriek and curse and they are burned up_)

**Jacquel: **Well, that's kind of how it should have happened. But this is what really happened…

**Stephan: **So, they all want a fight? Well, let's give them a battle to remember!

**Vladimir: **Agreed!

**Carlisle: **Well, if it's a fight they want, then I guess I have no choice. (_Cullens and allies charge into battle. Just then, a woman shows up_)

**Stephenie Meyer****: **Hold it right there, all of you! (_everything skids to a halt_)

**All: **Stephenie Meyer?

**Stephenie: **Yes. Me. Now what is going on here? Don't tell me, I already know. But I will ***NOT*** have any fighting in this story!

**Emmett:** But we've fought before.

**Stephenie: **Indeed you have. In Twilight, Edward and James fought in the ballet studio…

**James: **Stupid jerkface didn't let me bang Bella!

**Bella:** Oh shut up, you Cruel Sacred bastard child of a worm-hating goblin!

**Stephenie:** And then there was that fight between Edward and Demetri in New Moon…

**Demetri: **Well, I wanted Edward, but he just ***HAD*** to want Bella!

**Edward: **I'm still kicking your butt!

**Stephenie: **No, you won't! And in Eclipse, it was the Cullens and Quileutes against Victoria's army.

**Jasper: **(_shows up with Alice, Nahuel, and Huilen_) I told y'all we weren't playin' no dang game!

**Emmett: **Yeah! They turned our fight scene into a joke!

**Stephenie: **And don't even get me started on that fight scene in the last movie!

**Jacob: **OMG! She's really gotta bring that one up!

**Stephenie: **Now, I'm going to give you all to the count of 10 to end this now! (_Volturi takes off, leaving Cullens and allies behind_) Good. Now I can safely promote the movie based on my novel "_The Host_".

**All: **The Host?

**Jace Wayland: **And let's not forget my movie!

**Edward: **Ugh! That Molten bastard child of a worm-eating demon is cramping our style!

**Jacob:** You said it!

**Jace: **Everybody Gangnam Style! (_busts out Gangnam style dance moves. everyone stares at him_)

**Jacquel: **How's about…not. (scene turns off)

**Jacob: **So what do we do now that the Volturi have been essentially scared off?

**Jacquel: **The second part of the grand finale, which I like to call the "_I Got Twilighted Wedding_"!

**Jacob: **The "_I Got Twilighted Wedding_"? That's interest…wait, WHAT?

* * *

Well, this is the beginning of the end of the story!

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	74. The I Got Twilighted Wedding, part 1

So here we have a finale that is so big, we had to break it into two parts! Here's part one of the story's finale!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

**Jacquel:** Well, this is it, guys. The LAST Twilight special in this story as well as the final chapter…

**Emmett:** Oh no!

**Bella:** Not yet, Emmett! We're going to be doing the 2-part finale! Uh, why exactly are we doing the 2-part finale to begin with?

**Jacquel:** I don't know.

_The "I Got Twilighted" Series Finale_  
_"I Got Twilighted" the Wedding, Part 1_  
_a movie written by Jacquel C. on 11/30/2012_  
_rated for mature viewers only_

*_cue Game of Thrones theme song_*

**Carlisle**: I don't think you're going to be able to do it, Father.

**Roger**: Of course I can, Carlisle! After all, I'm the pastor and I'm doing this wedding whether you like it or not!

**Carlisle**: But still, I don't think Jacquelyn likes you very much.

**Roger**: Why shouldn't she? You refused to let her marry that wolf boy!

**Carlisle**: I just wanted to keep her…respectable.

**Roger**: Yeah right!

**Esme**: Now, now, you two. I thought we all agreed to be civil about this for Jacquelyn's sake.

**Roger**: I am being civil! It's my son who's being unreasonable!

**Esme**: OK…

**Carlisle**: I still don't think he'll be able to do the wedding.

**Alice**: I have foreseen him being hit by a car and not being able to see the end of part 1 of the finale.

**Roger**: Say what? You better take that back, you crazy!

**Alice**: Say that again and I'll break your neck!

**Jasper**: Calm down, Alice. I'm sure he's just kidding.

**Alice**: I hope so too…for his sake.

* * *

**Jacob**: And why have you decided to show up here?

**Rebecca**: Well, this little boy who Mala and I have adopted doesn't seem to relate to us at all.

**Jacob**: And why not?

**Mala**: Well, I don't understand this "_autism_" thing. We try to talk to him, but he would rather spend his time playing with his iPad than talking to us.

**Billy**: Well, that kind of sounds like the season finale of "St. Elsewhere."

**Jacob**: Oh come on, dad! Why'd you have to bring that up? I'm still trying to get over the fact that they killed off the MTM cat!

**Rebecca**: Well, the cat did die at the same time as the finale.

**Jacob**: So, why do I have the feeling that this is going to be happening again?

**Leah**: I don't know. But now, we're going to get ready for the La Push Show special.

**Jacob**: Yeah…and Embry's taking over the show because he's marrying Jacquel…why couldn't it be me?

**Leah**: You married me, remember?

**Jacob**: Yeah. That was 3 seasons and a few episodes ago.

**Leah**: Of course. Now come on, they're waiting for you at the studio.

* * *

(_The La Push Show_)

**Jacob**: Live from Washington State, it's the La Push Show! Here, we have Leah, Seth, Embry, Quil, Colin, Brady, Jared, Paul, Sam, and me, Jacob! (_wolves show up as audience cheers_) And today is a special episode, as one of our own cast members is getting married! (_wedding theme plays as audience cheers_) That's right, folks! Embry Call is getting mariied! (_audience cheers_) But who is he marrying, you ask? Why, it's none other than Jacquelyn Cullen! (_Jacquel shows up as everyone cheers_) So, let's get ready to start the show!

(_at Harry Potter's house_)

**James II**: Man, I hate these wedding specials! They always bore me to tears!

**Albus-Severus**: You and me both!

**James II**: How's about we watch Annoying Orange?

**Lily Luna**: NO! Not until we see Jacquel and Embry!

**Albus-Severus**: OK then.

**Jacob**: So, how did you propose to her?

**Embry**: It was right after I took her to see that scary movie and she clung to me the whole time.

**Quil**: Embry, stop.

**Embry**: Quil…anyway, did you think I was going to propose to her when I took her to see _Skyfall_?

**Emily**: Well, you should have.

**Jacob**: I see. Now, what shall we do about this unexpected turn of events?

**Quil**: Bachelor party!

**Embry**: QUIL!

**Paul**: He's right! We throw a bachelor party for Embry!

**Embry**: But we will not be getting drunk and making out with random girls.

**Jared**: Edward, you stupid prude!

**Sam**: I know! Can you believe that guy? He wouldn't even let us have any fun at his bachelor party!

**Paul**: Talk about being cool and not letting us make him get drunk and make out with random girls? What kind of parents raised him?

**Edward**: I heard that!

**Quil**: And I suppose that Jacquel's not getting drunk and making out with random guys, isn't she? (_Jacquel slaps him_) OW! Hey! What'd I say?

**Jacquel**: Are you freaking nuts, Quil? I'm not going to get drunk and make out with random guys! You wolves are still so freaking horny!

**Paul**: Only for you.

**Harry**: Hey, what are you kids watching?

**Albus-Severus**: The La Push Show.

**Lily Luna**: The one where Jacquel's marrying Embry.

**Harry**: I see. Well, pack your bags, kids! We're off to Seattle!

**James II**: Why?

**Harry**: Because she's making a huge mistake! I'm going to stop the wedding and get her to remember that she loves me.

**Albus-Severus**: Something tells me that this isn't going to go right…

* * *

(_Embry's bachelor party_)

**Emmett**: And we like to dedicate this song to this guy, who's getting married this week! (_everyone cheers. Embry glares at him_)

**Jasper**: I would appreciate it if you didn't air out his dirty laundry.

**Emmett**: Awww, come on, Jas! Or else they'll see me rape you!

**Jasper**: You would dare!

**Emmett**: I would!

**Embry**: That's enough, guys! You're ruining my special night!

* * *

(_at Jacquel's bachelorette party_)

**Jacquel**: Well, they could do a bit better with the entertainment, you know.

**Alice**: I agree. Let's kick this up a notch!

**Bella**: Look, here comes some dancers! (_just then, some dancers show up and begin to dance for the girls_)

**Jacquel**: I don't like this, girls. This reminds me of my old bachelorette party.

**Leah**: What happened at your old bachelorette party?

**Jacquel**: Well…

(_flashback_)

**Young Jacquel**: Hermione, are you sure you picked the right club?

**Young Hermione**: Of course I did, Jacquel! You always said that you cared about the less fortunate people!

**Young Jacquel**: But I never said that they should be dancing for cash! It's stupid, pointless, and barbaric! I want to go home!

**Young Hermione**: Oh come on, Jacquel! Really?

**Young Jacquel**: This is what Nichollo warned me about when he said that some people I feel sorry for don't live good lives!

(_end flashback_)

**Jacquel**: Well, I saw to it that Hermione would never throw another party for me again.

**Rosalie**: Sounds like this Hermione person needs a serious lesson in respect and whatnot.

**Leah**: Indeed.

* * *

(_in Forks, where Roger is causing trouble for gay couples_)

**Carlisle**: Father, would it kill you to stop causing trouble for everyone?

**Roger**: But Carlisle! These people don't think our Jacquelyn should be allowed to marry if they themselves can't get married! It's a matter of principle!

**Carlisle**: But still, can you tone it down a bit? Society itself is already coming down on gay people, so don't throw religion into the mix!

**Roger**: Hah! What do you know?

**Carlisle**: All I'm saying is, would it kill you just to be…you know…nice?

**Roger**: You think it's going to kill me if I was being nice to someone? You know nothing, Carlisle Cullen!

**Carlisle**: I do know something! What I'm trying to say is that…(_just then, a car runs them both over_) Ow. Something just tried to squish me!

**Roger**: Of course it can't squish you! You're a vampire!

**Carlisle**: Indeed. (_notices Roger's injuries_) Oh my God, you're hurt!

**Roger**: T'is but a scratch!

**Carlisle**: A scratch, Father? Really? You're badly hurt!

**Roger**: And you're not even hurt at all!

**Carlisle**: That's because you're human and I'm not. Now, let's get you to the hospital.

* * *

(_in the car_)

**James II**: Dad, you just ran over someone!

**Harry**: I what?

**James II**: Didn't you hear me? You just ran over someone!

**Harry**: Oh my God!

Albus-Severus and Lily Luna: Turn around and make sure they're OK!

**Harry**: All right! (_just then a police car pulls up behind the car_) Oh crap. Busted by the cops. Pay it cool, Harry Potter. Play it cool.

**Charlie**: You're under arrest for a hit and run.

**James II**: What's that?

**Charlie**: He ran over two people and drove off.

**James II**: Oh.

**Lily Luna**: Will dad have to go to jail?

**Harry**: Who knows?

**Charlie**: I think I do. Now, out of the car, bucky. And you better pray that the old man is still alive, as his son is a very prominent doctor who has a powerful lawyer, and the lawyer will rip you apart.

**Harry**: What?

* * *

(_at the hospital_)

**Esme**: I can't believe your father was hit by a car.

**Carlisle**: I can't believe I never got a scratch on me. I guess we're back to being vampires.

**Esme**: Good, because I was beginning to miss it.

**Carlisle**: I know. Now we better tell the kids.

**Edward**: I can't believe this! Who would want to hurt grandpa?

**Emmett**: Tell me who did it and I'll beat them to a pulp!

**Jacquel**: I think I know who might have done it…(_she leaves_)

**Alice**: I knew something bad was going to happen to him. I just knew it!

**Bella**: Don't worry, Alice. I'm sure that with today's advance in medicine, Carlisle's father will get better…somehow.

* * *

(_A few hours later. The entire Cullen family is gathered in Roger's room_)

**Doctor**: I hate to break this to you, Carlisle, but I think that your father isn't going to…make it…

**Carlisle**: Oh.

**Doctor**: I suggest that you all say your goodbyes now. (_he leaves. children burst into tears_)

**Roger**: Oh quit your blubbering, you little rugrats! We all gotta face the great big curtain sometime!

**Emmett**: But grandpa, you can't just leave us like this! It's not fair.

**Jacquel**: Yeah, and you also haven't apologized for the way you acted during the season 1 Christmas special.

**Roger**: Do I have to?

**All**: YES!

**Roger**: Not in this life! Hah! You're all gone back to being vampires, so I don't have to apologize to any of you demons! Hahahahahaha!

**Edward**: Oh god!

**Bree**: I can't believe that he's…dying! This is so unfair!

**Roger**: Like is unfair, little vampire. Get used to it! It's not fair that you all get to live long happy lives and I don't! What did I ever do wrong?

**Edward**: Maybe if you weren't such a jerkface, then we'd care.

**Carlisle**: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you apologize to your grandfather right now!

**Roger**: No, Carlisle. He's right. Your whole life, I was nothing more than a jerk. But when I lost you, it was just as if the fire went out of my life. You should have been the thing that I treasured more than life itself and I was a fool to ignore it.

**Carlisle**: Well, I never really knew that at all. I guess I didn't know the real you.

**Jacquel**: Well, I did write that story about when you died and your father giving up on life because he lost his only son. So there you have it.

**Carlisle**: I see.

**Roger**: Now you understand.

**Bella**: Well, I don't know much about bereavement, but you're going through the three stages of parental bereavement.

**All**: Such as…

**Bella**: #1, you're upset because you never cleared up anything with your parents.

**Roger**: Uh, that already happened.

**Bella**: #2, you try to make amends.

**Roger**: Well, it's a little late for that, so what's number three?

**Jacquel**: Your final confession: _you really do love Carlisle_.

**Roger**: Yes, I most certainly…wait, WHAT?

**Embry**: Maybe you reworded that wrong.

**Roger**: You little witch! I never said that I was "_in love_" with Carlisle!

**Seth**: Yeah. That's kind of gross, man.

**Roger**: Well, I never did say how much I loved him.

**All**: Why not?

**Roger**: Well, in those days, love wasn't something that you can buy in a store. It had some come from within. I will admit that he and I clashed over various things, but who hasn't fought with their parents at some point in their lives?

**Edward**: Well, at some point in my life, I did kind of rebelled against Carlisle's teachings and ate people. (_everyone gasps_)

**Roger**: And why did you do that?

**Edward**: I thought maybe if I went after the worst scum in the world, the world would be a better place. But I wasn't happy. I eventually returned home.

**Roger**: Just like the prodigal son. Now, what have we learned today?

**Carlisle**: It's OK, Father. I forgive everything and I love you.

**Roger**: There are some things that you really need to hear, but I don't have enough time to say them. Perhaps if I could just sa—(_just then, the machine flatlines. everyone stares at Roger. Carlisle stares at everyone for a few moments, but then he realizes that his father is dead. He breaks down and begins crying_)

**Renesmee**: Mom? Is he…you know…dead? (_Bella nods her head_) Oh.

**Jacquel**: How sad is it that we don't have the time to say what really needs to be said. (_Embry hugs her. The entire Cullen family all start crying, knowing that Roger Cullen was dead._)

* * *

(_At the police station. Harry is in a holding cell while James II, Albus-Severus, and Lily Luna are in the waiting area. They are on the La Push Show website_)

**Albus-Severus**: Well, this is sad.

**All**: What?

**Albus-Severus**: Carlisle Cullen's father is dead. (_everyone groans. Jacquel shows up_)

**Jacquel**: Where is the man who killed Roger Cullen? I'm here to kick his butt.

**Charlie**: Why?

**Jacquel**: Because Carlisle's father is dead, that's why! (_sees Harry_) I knew it was too good to be true! ***YOU*** killed Carlisle's father because you couldn't handle the news that I was getting married to someone who really loves me!

**Harry**: But Jacquel…

**Jacquel**: Oh, shut up, Harry! You knew that this day would happen! Now I'm going to make sure that you wish you were never born!

**Random criminal**: Yeah, way to go, bub! You killed the doctor's dad! How are you gonna live with yourself?

**Jacquel**: He won't, because I'm going to kill him! He ruined everything! And thanks to him…THERE IS NO WEDDING!

_To be continued…_

* * *

Awww...what a sad moment! Carlisle's father is dead and Harry Potter is the main culprit! Will Jacquel and Embry EVER get married?

Do you love it? Hate it? Then review! And Subscribe! You'll never know when I may write another chapter!


	75. The I Got Twilighted Wedding, part 2

So here we have a finale that is so big, we had to break it into two parts! Here's part one of the story's finale!

* * *

My warning: This fic is rated PG-13. Why? Because it may contain some sexually oriented content, anything sorcery, mature language, and all kinds of other mature crap that is unsuitable for children under 13 or those who can't take a joke.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

* * *

_where we last left off…_

_**Alice**: I have foreseen him being hit by a car and not being able to see the end of part 1 of the finale._

_**Roger**: Say what? You better take that back, you crazy!_

_**Harry**: She's making a huge mistake! I'm going to stop the wedding and get her to remember that she loves me._

_**Albus-Severus**: But dad, can't you just let her go? She's made her choice, she should be allowed to live with it._

_**Harry**: Jacquel belongs with me, Albus-Severus Potter! And if I have to find a way to destroy her wedding, then I will!_

_**Jacquel**: Carlisle's father is dead because you couldn't handle the news that I was getting married to someone who really loves me!_

_**Harry**: But Jacquel…_

_**Jacquel**: Oh, shut up, Harry! You knew that this day would happen!_

_**Random criminal**: Yeah, way to go, bub! You killed the doctor's dad! How are you gonna live with yourself?_

_**Jacquel**: He won't, because I'm going to kill him! And thanks to him…THERE IS NO WEDDING!_

_The "I Got Twilighted" Series Finale_  
_"I Got Twilighted" the Wedding, Part 2_  
_a movie written by Jacquel C. on 11/30/2012_  
_rated for mature viewers only_

**Supernatural Times Blog Article**: It looks like the Jacquel Cullen / Embry Call wedding is on hold.

Last night, Jacquel's grandfather, Roger Cullen, was killed in a hit-and-run incident when he and her father, Carlisle Cullen (renowned Forks doctor) were struck down by a car that just kept going. At this time, Chief of Police Charlie Swan isn't revealing much, only the facts that we really need to know.

Anyway, the Cullen family is accepting donations and sympathy cards. Let's hope that the wedding is back on for our favorite heroine!

* * *

(_the Cullen house is crowded with vampires and many well-wishers_)

**Eleazar**: Well, I'm not one for bereavement, but I'm sorry to hear about your father, Carlisle.

**Carlisle**: Thank you, Eleazar.

**Carmen**: I know it's not easy to lose a father. Believe me, I did weep when they told me that my father was dead. How's everyone else holding up?

**Carlisle**: (_sees various vampires chatting with the Cullens_) Well, save for Jacquelyn, they all seem to be doing OK.

**Tanya**: I know. Who does that guy think he is, running over the old man just to get back into Jacquelyn's good graces?

**Kate**: He deserves to die!

**Carlisle**: I know. But let's not deal with it right now. We still have a wedding to plan, if the bride-to-be is up for it…

* * *

(_at the police station_)

**Jacquel**: I'm going to kill that guy.

**Sameth**: Why?

**Jacquel**: Uh, he killed my grandfather! I'm going to make him pay for it…in cash, or credit card!

**Saphira**: Can I come with…

**Jacquel**: Sure. I'm going to need all the help I can get. He has no right!

**Sameth**: Or balls. The jerk.

* * *

(_back in the Cullen house_)

**Aro**: Oh, Carlisle! It's so good to see you again!

**Carlisle**: Aro…

**Aro**: When I heard about your father, I just ***HAD*** to come! I'm so sorry to hear about his untimely death! (_hugs Carlisle_)

**Carlisle**: You do realize that he didn't like you.

**Aro**: I'll ignore that in favor of a kiss…(_Caius and Marcus glare at him_) Oh. Now, where's the unhappy bride?

**Emmett**: Yeah…where is Jacquel?

* * *

(_at the police station, where Jacquel is beating Harry up_)

**Jacquel**: Oh shut up, you surly onion-eyed maggot-pie! You killed my grandfather!

**Harry**: But it was an accident!

**Jacquel**: Yeah right! You didn't want me to marry Embry, so you killed him!

**Sameth**: You call yourself a wizard? More like a monster!

**Saphira**: So, you're the asshole who knock up my sister and then left her!

**Harry**: I what?

**Jacquel**: You heard her. You knocked me up and left me! Now Delicia doesn't want to have anything to do with you and now everyone in the world knows why!

**Harry**: (_stares at Saphira_) Safie? Is that you?

**Saphira**: I remember you…you're the fool who left me because I wasn't Jacquel!

**Jacquel**: (_gets really angry_) YOU KNOCKED MY SISTER UP AND LEFT HER? (_launches herself at Harry. explosion is seen nearby_)

**Billy**: Well, this isn't going to end well…

**Charlie**: I'm sure a judge will want to hear this.

* * *

(_at the Cullen house_)

**Jacquel**: Can you believe the nerve of that asshole? He tricked me and he tricked Saphira! Is there any other girl in the world who he hasn't tricked?

**Embry**: Don't worry, Jacquel. That man isn't going near you ever again.

**Sam**: If he does, we'll crush him.

**Jacquel**: I just want to have my wedding and live happily ever after! Why can't I have that? (_starts crying_)

**Carlisle**: (_sees everything_) Why can't you, Jacquelyn?

(_cue montage as scores of vampires crowd the church and attend the funeral of Roger Cullen_)

**Old Quil**: Well, I never saw that coming.

**Sue**: I know. Whenever there's a high profile public figure getting married, the crazies always seem to come out of the woodwork.

**Billy**: Yeah. What a shame.

* * *

(_a few days later_)

**Jacquel**: Well, do I even want to go on with this wedding?

**Seth**: Of course you do! I mean, that's what he would have wanted!

**Leah**: We don't know that, Seth!

**Jacob**: Let's get this wedding thing started!

* * *

(_Meanwhile_)

**James**: We are NOT annoying!

**Laurent**: In fact, we are normal!

**Victoria**: And to prove that we are normal, we're going to crash the wedding!

**James**: Indeed.

**Riley**: Yeah right. They'll never let you in!

**James**: How sad. We'll show them!

* * *

(_Alice plans the wedding_)

**Alice**: Yay! I can't tell you how many episodes it has been since I've helped to plan a wedding!

**Leah**: Yeah. Mine.

**Alice**: Exactly. Now, we've got less than 24 hours to get this place ready for a real white wedding…

**Emmett**: Can we do the "_White Wedding_" song?

**Jacob**: Of course.

**Carlisle**: Well, while you're doing that, I'd like to see your nephew.

**Jacob**: OK.

* * *

(_in Carlisle's office_)

**Carlisle**: So let me get this straight: little Keoni here doesn't do anything except play with his iPad all day?

**Mala**: Yes.

**Rebecca**: We try talking to him, but he never responds to anything we say.

**Mala**: it's driving us crazy.

**Carlisle**: I see. Now, let's see what's going on in his subconsious.

* * *

(_Meanwhile_)

**Renee**: I hope you've got enough room in your place for your mother, Bella!

**Bella**: Well, you're kind of out of luck, mom.

**Renee**: What?

**Bella**: First off, the kids took the only rooms available, and then Kate and Garrett took our bedroom, meaning that Edward and I have to stay in the living room.

**Edward**: Which we don't mind.

**Renee**: But where will we stay?

**Edward**: In my old room…unless its already occupied.

**Emmett**: Too late! Jasper's friends stole your room, Ed!

**Renee**: Now what?

* * *

(_Back in Carlisle's office_)

**Carlisle**: Well, I can't rule out his autism, but there's a good chance that he's probably shy and doesn't have good social skills. The upside to this is that we have Emmett here.

**Mala**: Right. The Lovable Jester, that's what they call him on that La Push Show.

**Rebecca**: Or else he just likes Emmett, but doesn't know the right words to describe him.

**Keoni**: Hahaha he funny! (_watches Emmett fall down in a YouTube video_)

**Emmett**: Hey, you think I'm funny? (_looks at video_) Oh my God! You're dead, Jacob!

**Jacob**: What?

**Emmett**: I thought I told you no to upload the video of when I fell down and broke Alice's sewing machine and we had to buy her a new one!

* * *

(_the night before_)

**Embry**: Darn. I can't see her before the wedding.

**Quil**: Yeah, man. It's bad luck.

**Jacquel**: I'm not feeling so well.

**Saphira**: Yeah.

**Jacquel**: What I really don't understand is why people have to die.

**Saphira**: I know.

**Jacquel**: And why Harry played a trick on us.

**Saphira**: Don't worry; we'll make him pay for it.

* * *

(_the big day_)

**Alice**: WHAT DID I JUST SAY? GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP! NOW YOU LOOK ALL PUFFY AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT AT ALL!

**Jacquel**: I'm sorry, Alice. I couldn't sleep last night.

**Alice**: You're not getting cold feet today! Now, let's get you dressed! (_within an hour, Alice and Rosalie had Jacquel wearing a huge white dress with a long veil and train_) OK, you're ready!

**Esme**: She's not! (_She and Carlisle walk into the room_) She needs her something old, which was her mother's wolf pendant on a necklace, something new, which are these earrings. Plus, she needs to borrow something, like Alice's ring…

**Alice**: Hey, that's mine! (_Esme gives Jacquel the ring_)

**Carlisle**: And something blue. (_hands Jacquel a hair ribbon_) Now she's ready.

* * *

(_at the pavilion_)

**Bella**: Doesn't this place look great?

**Angela**: Yes it does. I was more than pleased when Alice asked me to take pictures of the wedding. Can you believe the drama that's been going down the last few weeks?

**Bella**: Yeah. We've got a funeral and a wedding all in the same month.

**Jessica**: Plus, we heard that you have three kids. THREE! Don't you think you and Edward were rushing it a bit?

**Edward**: Seriously!

**Laurent**: Attention everyone: the bride is here!

**Edward**: All right! (_plays "Bridal March". Carlisle and Jacquel walk down the aisle. the guests stand and acknowledge Jacquel. The minister approaches the pulpit and begins his sermon_)

**Emmett**: Uh, evil ex-boyfriend is coming!

**Jace**: Who? Him? I've got some words for that pathetic son of an unmuzzled rough-hewn flap-dragon!

**Minister**: And if there's anyone out there who objects to this marriage, please speak now or forever hold your peace…

**Harry**: (_rushes into the church_) I OBJECT! (_everyone stares at him_)

**Jacquel**: Harry Potter? What the hell are you doing here?

**Harry**: Jacquel, I love you. Please, don't do this!

**Jacquel**: Oh my God. Really? Then explain to me why you knocked up my sister and ditched her!

**Harry**: So Safie's your sister?

**Saphira**: Yeah, you Scarred child of a gorbellied ill-nurtured minnow! And in fact, you didn't even let me name my kids! Dobby and Hedwig? Really? Even my sister did so much better with Delicia!

**Jacquel**: So if you want me back, you can just forget it! I hope you die ugly and alone and no one will ever like you!

**Harry**: How can you be so mean, Jacquel? I thought we were friends!

**Jacob**: Bahahaha, how many years have you been a son of a bitch? (_wolves laugh_)

**Minister**: Well, you have proven that you are unworthy of her; please remove yourself from this place. (_Harry is unceremoniously tossed out the Cullen's backyard as the minister continues his sermon_)

**Emily**: Well, at least it wasn't like our wedding.

**Sam**: Yeah, it wasn't, thank goodness.

**Jared**: This drama sucks.

**Paul**: At least we can kick him around if he messes with Jacquel

**Minister**: I now present to you…Mr. and Mrs. Embry and Jacquelyn Call! (_guests cheer and Edward plays the "Wedding March"_)

**Katniss**: Darn. Looks like we'll have to wait until it's Quil's turn to marry.

**Percy**: I know, right?

**Tyrion**: At least he'll have plenty of time to hang out with us.

**Joffrey**: (_crying_) I always cry at weddings.

**Cersei**: Tyrion, why did you bring us here? We don't know anyone!

**Bella**: Oh, shut it, you! Your whole family is a joke! No offense, Tyrion.

**Tyrion**: None taken.

**Jacquel**: I can't believe it! We're finally married!

**Embry**: Now I can bang you like tomorrow doesn't exit and no one can yell at us!

**Carlisle**: Oh dear God.

**Aro**: Well, if you do want to come back to Volterra, the door is always open.

**Carlisle**: No. My place is here.

**Caius**: Oh well. Your loss. We'll be seeing you around.

**Marcus**: Can somebody please kill me? I can't stand the happy couple!

**Jane**: Shut up, Marcus. (_guests spill outside to the courtyard, where Alice has decorated the entire place_. _There, Jacquel and Embry greet the scores of guests who came to the wedding_)

**Jace**: May I offer you congrats on your marriage to that bastard son of a wayward sheep-biting haggard?

**Jacquel**: Well, would you like me to slap you, you errant flap-mouthed scut?

**Jace**: Don't be so stubborn. But you will be seeing my movie, right?

**Jacquel**: Perhaps. (_to Emmett_) You know what to do…

**Emmett**: Ready? (_he has his drums, Jasper has the bass guitar, and Carlisle has the lead guitar_) All right, let's do this shit! (_crowd cheers as Billy Idol's __White Wedding_ starts playing)

**Jacob**: Jace Wayland, you have officially overstayed your welcome. Now leave.

**Leah**: Yes. Please leave, or I'll slap you for calling me uglier than Ugly Betty!

**Embry**: Why are you here?

**Jace**: Your little friend here invited me.

**Jacob**: I never invited him!

**Jacquel**: Calm down, Jake. He's being an idiot, as usual.

**James II**: Well, this freaking blows! Our dad's going to jail, possibly for life, and now we're stuck here. And not even our relatives are coming to bail us out!

**Albus-Severus**: Maybe we should quit complaining and just be thankful that Jacquel and Saphira aren't being mean to us.

**Lily Luna**: Or maybe we can use this as an opportunity to start over.

**Jacquel**: Indeed. And since both your parents are in jail and no one is coming to get you for a while, why don't you stay with us?

**James II**: Mayhaps.

**Embry**: Maybe they can start over now that this is all over. But as for us, let's slip away while no one's looking…(_just then, everyone else shows up and cheers as Jacquel and Embry hop into Jacquel's Mini Cooper and drives off towards a brighter future_)

**Esme**: Don't worry, Carlisle. She'll be fine.

**Carlisle**: I hope so. (_everyone is dancing long into the night_)

* * *

And that's how this story ends. I must admit that it has been a very long journey into the world of Twilight as well as the end of my very first Twilight Fan Fiction story. But not to worry, there will be others and the spinoffs of "I Got Twilighted" that are to come.

So, I must say "THE END" and thank you all for this great three-year journey that this fic has taken us on. I'll be back with the Christmas special soon!


End file.
